The Girls Only
by FromScratch413
Summary: <html><head></head>When the strain of raising four daughters takes its toll on April, will Jackson be able to handle the pressure? Will their marriage ever feel right again?</html>
1. Prologue: Paris

**Hi guys! I'm really excited to start "The Girls Only" multi-chapter fic! If you don't know the background of this, read "The Bellie Stories" first. There's also a Tenley story on my tumblr (16confessions), that will give you even more background for where this is going. I don't want to put it up here, yet, because that might end up as part of this fic. This is just a short prologue, for now. I know where this is going, but I don't quite know Chapter 1, yet. Hold on tight, this is going to be a tough one. **

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><p><em>Do you remember Paris, mon amour? You had to talk me into it, because Tenley was only 10 months old. <em>

_We never had a honeymoon. We just made a baby on our wedding night and went back to work after three days of sex. _

_Romantic. You wanted to do something romantic with me, you said. We had two baby girls, and hardly had time for romance, anymore. Did we ever?_

_We entrusted the girls to our parents for a week each, and went to Paris. The first week, we did a lot of sightseeing. The Eiffel Tower, the Notre-Dame de Paris Cathedral, L'arc de Triomphe, Champs-Élysées_,_ we saw it all. And you let me call them every night. But the second week, oh, that second week. _

_We spent three whole days in bed in the penthouse suite at Le Hôtel Fouquet. You spoke French to me as we made love. We ordered room service if we were hungry, and if I wanted an éclair from the little café across the street you'd walk there. _

_It was right outside our bedroom window. One day I watched you walk back. I was sitting on the windowsill wearing a sheet and you blew kisses up at me from the street. I caught them and laughed, and laughed and laughed; it was so unlike you. So gloriously unlike you. _

_When you returned, you threw the bag on the table and unwrapped me slowly, leading me to bed. I escaped the sheet and danced away from you with a twirl. But you caught me and whispered that you were the boss, as you carried back, and threw me on the mattress. _

_You devoured me completely. I never thought I'd feel more pleasure than my wedding night, but in bed in Paris, I realized that even after three years of marriage, you still had things to teach me. _

_And we still had dreams to share. Between orgasms, we whispered them to each other; places we wanted to go, people we wanted to see, surgeries we wanted to watch. _

_For hours, I forget about them, my beautiful girls. Their spit up. And temper tantrums. And picky eating habits. And screaming, And dirty diapers. And the crayon on the walls. _

_For hours, I was just April. Just your wife. Nothing else to anyone. I forgot I wanted to call, forgot there was anyone to call. _

_Get me out of here, Jackson. Take me back to Paris. _


	2. Chapter 1: Lost

**So, here is chapter one. Not much to say about it. Except I already started chapter 2;). This was going to be longer, but I thought it flowed better this way. I actually put a bit of a Bellie story at the end here, and I think that worked well. I don't know if I'll keep that up, though. Again, with the kid's voices, I try. But they've gotta be smart to make this work. Please R&R, it makes me happy:) **

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><p>"Daddy, don't put nanas in Tenley's ce-real. Don't." Arabella put her tiny hand over mine, to stop me from cutting over the cereal bowl. Immediately, I dropped the knife, turning her so she was looking in my eyes.<p>

"Hey! You don't touch daddy's hand when I have a knife, do you understand me, Arabella?"

She looked down, pouting. "It just a knife fer pea-butter, dad. I uses it all da time."

"Not anymore, Ok? Only daddy or Nikki uses any knife. You scared me."

"So-ree, dad. Or mommy can use a knife, right?"

"Yeah, diva, but mommy went to go rest last night, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Mommy restin'." The sadness in her eyes broke my heart.

"She'll be back soon, though." I gave my oldest daughter a half-smile, knowing I was probably telling a lie.

"Just don't put da nanas in Tee's ce-real."

I raised my eyebrows at Bellie. "I'm not putting nana in her cereal, silly girl. I'm gonna put a banana though."

"No! Trus me dad pease just cut da ba-nana, cut it, cut it, cut it up fer her and put it down nexa da ce-real."

I shrugged, not sure what the big deal was, but not looking for a fight. Not after last night. "You gonna be daddy's helper, Bellie girl? I'm gonna need a lotta help with your sisters." I finished cutting the banana and put it on Tenley's favorite sectioned plate for her. Next to her bowl of cereal, currently milk-less, waiting for her to come sit in front of it.

Arabella rolled her eyes at me as I put a plate of crushed peaches in front of Braelyn. "I is you helper, dad. Das why I say cut da nana."

"Dada, da, da, da." Braelyn smiled at me, mouth full of peaches. Then she picked up a handful and threw them right at my brand new tie. I groaned. I had a board meeting first thing this morning.

Bellie giggled, watching as she ate her Cheerios. "Oh yeah, Brae dos dat wif her food ebery time."

"Thanks for letting me know, now, diva. Hey, where's your sister? I woke her up and we picked out her clothes right after I woke you up."

Bellie shrugged. "Oh, she wake up and go baka sleep all da time, dad. Sometime, you gotta tickle moster her ta get her up."

I sighed. "Daddy's already running very late and I gotta drop you all off at daycare before work, why's she still sleepin', Bellie? You to sit tight, don't destroy anything, OK?"

Arabella nodded. "We no goesa daycare, I goesa pee-scool. And Tene sad 'acause mommy." She screamed as I ran toward the foyer and upstairs to Tenley's room.

_It's Saturday, but Nikki is only helping with Laidy, today. So you're going to daycare. And I'm probably sad 'acuause mommy, too. But there's no time to think about that, because for some reason, everyone else's day goes on as usual. And daddy has to work," _I thought, as I ran upstairs to wake Tee, taking off my peach-stained tie and throwing it over the banister as I went.

"Tee, come on, wake up, please, daddy's really late for…" I stopped mid-sentence, realizing she wasn't in bed. "TENLEY JUSTINE!" I screamed, racing down the hallway.

"Shhhh, you make Laidy cry louder an' louder, my dad!" Tenley's little head poked out from the nursery door. The baby. Oh my god, I forgot my baby.

I kissed the top of Tenley's head, thankful she was dressed. "I was just comin' up here to get her, but I made you breakfast, first." I was telling a lot of white lies today, it seemed. "Please go down and eat it while I change her. And tell your sister to put her shoes on. I'll be down to help Braelyn in a sec. Daddy's sooo late for work. And Nikki will be here soon to stay with Laidy."

"Where my mommy? My mommy no work."

"Your mom's away resting angel, she's not home." I had to remind myself that she was not even three, yet. So, even though she was there, even though she saw everything, because they would not let each other go until I ripped Tenley from April's arms in the hospital. Even though, she still didn't fully understand yet. It hadn't been 24 hours since I found them both.

Technically, I guess, her life should freeze right now. But mine couldn't. I didn't know how to make that happen. But I knew how to work. Work, I could do.

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><p>"MY DAD STAY HERE!" Tenley was screaming, crying, and somehow throwing herself all over the place without letting go of my leg. We were doing so well, too. Nikki was there when I finished changing Laidy, helping the girls with their coats. I kissed the baby, handing her over as we whisked out the door and into the hideous minivan I'd hardly driven before. I got three girls in the car, and turned on some sing-along CD that seemed to make everyone happy. If I dropped off quickly, I could race upstairs and to the boardroom with 30 seconds to spare for a cup of coffee. <em>Please let there be coffee on the table," <em>I'd begged the universe as I walked through the doors, two girls at my side, one in my arms. But then, Mount Tenley erupted, and what a sight it was.

"Maybe you should… take her with you?" Cassandra, the daycare director, didn't bother to hide the pretension in her whisper.

I raised my eyebrow at her, but picked Tenley up. "We'll be back," I spit, in warning, walking out to the hallway.

"My Tenley doesn't act like this, where's my sweet girl? You can't cry like that, in public. It's not acceptable. Do you think you behaved in there?" Tee shook her head. "Daddy has a meeting and a surgery, today. I will be back later. But until then, you have to stay with your sisters and play with Cassie and Jen."

"I go wif you, my dad." She sniffled through tears, clinging to my chest, and I melted.

"If you go to the meeting with me, you have to be quiet, OK? And afterwards, you have to come back here. Only grown-ups are allowed in operation rooms. Do you understand me?" She nodded into my chest again. "What did I say?"

"Ony grown-ups do 'peration."

"Where are we going after the meeting?"

"Here, 'acause sissy miss me."

I chuckled at that last part, as we re-entered the room. "That's right, they both will." Bellie was already busy bossing Bailey around, playing house. Braelyn stayed close, with blocks. "We'll be back in an hour," I called to Cassie, who just rolled her eyes at me. Didn't she know I owned the place?

"I love you, my dad."

"I love you too, sweetie." I kissed the top of her head as we entered the room, and just as I was afraid, everyone froze, staring at us in disbelief. Meredith, who had been mid-sentence, stuffed a cookie in her face.

"Jackson, you're, you're here. With Tenley. Hi Tee, how are you?" Arizona flashed us a fake smile.

"Good. I jus' go to meetin' wif my dad. No 'peration."I laughed, pulling up an extra chair and placing her in it. I took out my phone and put it on silent, handing it to her. She knew what to do.

"What do you mean, Tee, you're not gonna assist me and your dad, today?" Dr. Bailey laughed.

"No yet, my dad say ony growed ups go." Tenley climbed off her chair and into my lap. She smiled as I sliced a watermelon in her Fruit Ninja game.

"Ok, sorry for the interruption, where were you guys…" They still just stared. "What? Is her shirt on backwards or something?"

"It not, my dad. I dos right way."

"So why are they all staring at us, Tee?" She just shrugged.

"Right, OK…So Meredith, you were saying…about the M &M…" Bailey refocused everyone and I felt myself relax, just a little bit. I knew the Grey-Sloan gossip mill was quick, I just didn't expect…Well, I didn't know what to expect, but the judgment in my colleagues' eyes was certainly hard to swallow.

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><p>"Jackson, you shouldn't be here. Why are you…" Arizona started, an hour later, as I made my way to the operating room after dropping Tee off again. This time went a lot smoother. Maybe because I promised that when I returned, I'd bring pizza with me. Because, lunch. I forgot lunch. "You should be home with them, Jackson…Miller could've…"<p>

I cut her off, furious. "How about 'How are you Jackson? Marge in billing told me the news. How is April? How are the girls? Do you need anything?' How about you don't start off by telling me where I should be, right now, Arizona?"

She blinked, moved her body away from me. "It wasn't Marge in…" Was she serious? "Right, right, of course, Jackson. Of course we're here if you need us. All of us. We always have been, you know that, right?"

In other words, she wished I'd told her my wife was slowly loosing her mind, earlier. So, they could all whisper more, about the look I gave Dr. Kerrigan when I passed her in the hallway.

_ "Oh, he was extra gruff today, must have had a bad night." _

_ "Was that a wink I saw? Is he cheating with her? Oh, poor April. With a newborn and everything. She was such a good doctor, too. It was the fourth. Getting pregnant with Adalaide just as her leave for Braelyn was about to end sent her over the edge." _

I could only imagine what the reaction would be if I told them that I had no idea my wife had been slowly unraveling during the past six weeks. I had no idea, because she was the best mommy in the world. I believed she could handle three kids under five and a newborn.

I had no idea. Even though there were signs, during the pregnancy. Even though my four-year-old daughter had warned me. I had no idea.

_"What kind of father is he? What kind of husband?" _

_ "How could someone miss those signs? You have to be pretty self-absorbed not to realize your child is screaming for help when she tells you mommy couldn't get out of bed." _

_ "How do you believe it when it's your wife who swears it only happened once? He should have made sure. Why didn't he make sure? Does he even love them?" _

I knew how it worked around here, and I was already beating myself up. So, no. I couldn't have told anyone. And I wasn't going to. Owen was the only person in this hospital who put much effort into maintaining a friendship with April. If he asked, I would tell. But he wouldn't ask. Owen Hunt had class.

"Yeah, Arizona. I know." As much as I wanted to tell her what was really on my mind, that would be unprofessional. Not to mention it would just feed the gossip mill fire.

"Have you…have you gone to…" Arizona cleared her throat. "How is she?"

I walked a little faster, putting my surgical mask on. "I don't know. I'm going to see April after surgery." April, goddamnit, her name is April. "But if you don't mind, I'd like to focus on my surgery. Bailey will kill me if I ruin Devin Zolack's face, no matter where my wife is, and my girls need me alive right now."

"Right, right, of course, Jackson. Just let me know…" Her voice trailed behind me as I entered the scrub room, disgusted. I knew Arizona meant well enough, but the truth was, she'd never tried to be a real friend to April. A work friend, maybe. But she was always too wrapped up in her own relationship drama to actually support April, even before she decided to stay at home.

"Whoa there, Jackson, calm down. Just scrub in, don't scrub your skin off." I was so angry, so lost in thought, that I didn't realize I was scrubbing a little extra hard. I nodded and then quickly looked away from Bailey, embarrassed. I hadn't even noticed her beside me. I should've noticed her.

"You good, Dr. Avery? Mind clear? I've known the Zolack's for a very long time. Devin's been waiting for this for years."

"I know, Bailey. I'm ready." I nodded, confidently. I knew I was ready for this surgery. Everything else in my future, maybe not so much. But Devin Zolack's skin grafts, I was ready for.

Bailey put her hand on my shoulder, before I entered the operating room. "Thank you, Dr. Avery. Thank you for coming in today. I will not forget this." I nodded again. Bailey. Maybe Bailey would be here, for me, too.

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><p>I scrubbed out of surgery, quickly and rushed to the elevator, head down, hoping nobody was following me. Once inside, I held down the "Door Close" button, and pushed 12 only when the doors were shut. The psychiatric floor.<p>

"Hi Dr. Avery." Beth, the head nurse on the floor, was young and kind. She stayed with Tenley all night last night, as I dealt with…things.

"Hi Beth, how are you, today?"

"I'm doing well. . .Oh no, Dr. Craven told me you don't have to sign in," she whispered, pulling the sign-in sheet away from me. "We all know how word gets around, here," she gave me a knowing wink. "But, I think she's sleeping. Dr. Craven wanted to talk to you, though. Let me call him."

"Great, thank you." When she hung up, I remembered my pizza promise. The girls were probably starving. "Beth, would you do me a favor and order a pizza for me, while I'm in with him…I promised the girls, but I had a surgery and I forgot and…"

"Don't worry about it. I got it covered." I handed her a 20 and nodded in thanks as Dr. Craven came out of his office.

"Dr. Avery. Hi. Follow me." He didn't seem encouraged as we entered his office, and I felt the tension I'd forgotten about in surgery re-enter my body again.

"She had a psychotic episode, triggered by exhaustion, we think," he said, as he closed the door to his office. It was nothing I couldn't guess, so far. I nodded, not saying a word. "We put her on Prozac and woke her up to take her first dose, but other than that for today, I'd prefer she just rest. Because the….the child was in the room with her and self-harm and hallucinations were involved, it's…it's hard to say how long this will take to treat." I looked down, unable to meet the doctor's eyes, ashamed.

"Dr. Avery this…"

"Jackson, please call me Jackson." I finally found the courage to meet his eyes.

"Jackson, this happens. Especially if she had symptoms that went untreated last time, and your newborn is only two months. It happens. It isn't your fault. And we are going to make sure she is well enough to care for the children, with help, of course, before she comes home."

I nodded. "What do you need from me?"

"Mostly, your children need you, right now. But April will, too. This won't be easy. You might want to think about taking some time…"

"All respect, I can't do that right now. I've got surgeries coming up that have been planned for months. Of course I will care for my girls, and my…and my wife, the best that I can, but I can't stop working. I run a hospital. I get three surgeries a week, if I'm lucky. I can't…I don't want to stop working."

Dr. Craven cleared his throat, trying, and failing, to hide his disapproval. "Of course, Jackson. But your girls were…are very close to their mother. "This will affect them in ways you have to be aware of…"

"I will, I will be aware of daughters' needs, Dr. Craven, I assure you of that." I balled my hand in a fist, started hitting the armrest of my chair for no reason.

"OK. But I must warn you…especially the one who was locked in the room at the time of the episode…"

"TENLEY!" I cleared my throat, surprised at the anger. "Tenley. Her name is Tenley," I whispered, once again avoiding Dr. Craven's eyes.

"Of course, Jackson. Especially Tenley. Keep an eye on her, for me. And if she exhibits any symptoms of…"

"You know what doctor, I actually have to go, soon. I have a lunch date, with my girls so…when do you need me, back here?"

"Tonight and tomorrow we are going to do individual therapy. Monday we'll try a session with you. Does that work?"

"Yeah. I'm here seven to seven. It's mostly my paperwork day."

"Great. So let's say one, after lunch?"

"Yeah. Yeah." I shook his hand hastily and got up from the chair. I rushed to the door, but turned back before leaving. "Dr. Craven?"

He looked up from the paperwork he was already doing, raised an eyebrow at me. "Can they….the older ones…Can they visit her?"

"Tenley and…"

"Arabella…"

"…Arabella can visit as soon as April is ready. It's hard to say when that will be. But I am not opposed to the children visiting their mother. If she's ready. Supervised, maybe by you and a doctor. It depends. I've seen mother's in this situation ready for visits in as early as a week."

"Thank you." I nodded and left, hand still in a fist. I deliberately took the stairs, so I could pass by April's room on my way down. The lights were off. I unclenched my hand and put my palm to the window. _"I'm sorry I didn't find you, April," _I thought, remembering a promise I made years earlier, when she was laying in another hospital bed.

_"I know us, Jackson. Whether we have three or freaking seven, they're going to come quick. And I wanna be there to raise my babies. With strict morals. And good schooling. And I want to see every homework page. But I don't want to stop being a surgeon. But as soon as we have this baby…" _Even then, she knew. She felt how fast our family would grow. And I didn't listen.

_"We're gonna love her, April. As soon as you have this baby we're going to love her to pieces, and take care of her. And I have two whole months to work mostly from home and you can come back whenever you want. Whenever you want. And you can screen new daycare teachers if you want. I own majority of this hospital, something like that is easy to get done. But you have to take care of her, first. And you should tell me when you're scared, instead of lying to me and putting our baby in distress." _How did I not see this coming, from the moment she drove herself and Arabella to exhaustion from working so hard? Because she felt this, even then. And I just blew her off.

_"I just don't want to lose myself, Jackson. I'm a trauma surgeon."_

_"A brilliant, gorgeous one. And if you lose yourself, I will find you and carry you back home. But we named this child when you were mid-panic attack in a powerless elevator. And this was her begging for you to slow down. Please, babe. For Arabella? Just deal with the bed rest. Please. And no more half-truths or whatever you've been telling."_

_"Fine. Bed rest and whole truths. For Bellie. But please, Jackson…"_

_"I will find you, April. I will." _I'd tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, and kissed her carefully. And I'd lied to her._ "I gotta work now, babe. I'll be back tonight to get you home and tucked in bed."_

_"No. Take a nap with us, Jacks. Please just be here for a few minutes."_

_"Ok, sweetheart. I'm here, I'll be here til you close your eyes." _I kissed her forehead, tickling her arm like he always did to relax her, not leaving until I heard her light snore. I found an extra blanket on a corner chair and draped it over her, sending out a wish into the universe as I did.

_"Please, don't let her get lost."  
><em>

Because, with her lost, who would find me?


	3. Chapter 2: Learning

**Writing fic is the only thing making The Japril Blackout bearable. I hope you like this, let me know :)**

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><p>The rest of the day passed by smoothly enough. After I left Dr. Craven's office, I went to wait for the pizza outside, desperately needing fresh air. Beth could keep the $20. I ate it with the girls in the middle of the daycare floor, between the dollhouse and the play kitchen. After lunch was naptime, so I left them there and checked up on my post-ops. I treated some burn victims in the ER and did some paperwork. I'd been planning to pick the girls up early, and finish it while they played in the castle I kept in the office, but I was so engrossed, I only realized the time when Meredith came knocking on my door at five, my girls in tow.<p>

"Cassandra was going to bring them up, but something about her stank face as she said it told me you'd probably rather I do it," she said, handing over Braelyn.

"Shi…shoot. I'm so sorry, Mer. I'm sorry girls, daddy's so sorry. Here. I'm done. We're gonna go home and…" Fuck, dinner. "We're gonna go home and hope Nikki was nice enough to make us dinner. "

"I can make pea-butter dad," Bellie laughed. I was so thankful at least one of my children was laughing right now.

"Thanks but no thanks, diva. Remember the new rules."

"Oh yeah, no more knife Tee, OK? Jus daddy or Nikki or mommy uses it."

Tenley nodded, seriously, taking in the information. I gulped. "Where my mommy?"

"I'm sorry Jackson, Derek's downstairs waiting for me with the kids. I'm just gonna…" She nodded toward the door. "Hey…I have tequila. If you ever need to come over and, you know, chill out," she added, stopping at the door frame. It was an effort, at least.

"Your mommy is away, resting Tee," I said for at least the tenth time that day, kneeling down on her level as the door shut. I wondered how many more times I was going to be saying that, in the next few weeks.

"I goes home to rest wif my mommy."

"She's not at home sweetheart." And there were the tears. "Do you want a hug to make you feel better, Tee? Use words."

"Yeah, pease." I hugged her for the 5th time that day. At least I was hugging my children more, because of this.

"Dad, my tummy's hungee," Bellie pulled me out of the moment.

"Yeah, mine too Bellz. It's growlin. What about yours Tee?"

"I no hear it." Oh, my sweet, serious Tenley.

"What about you Brae? Is yours roarin'? What sound does a lion make?" She let out a giant roar as I locked the office door behind me, really hoping my troop and I didn't run into anyone on the way out.

I called Nikki to let her know we were on our way home. She told me she tried to make dinner but that we literally had no food. Not even peanut butter. She said, "even your peanut butter jar is empty," and I felt like I wanted to cry.

Instead, I turned to the girls. "Who wants McDonalds?" and was answered with gleeful "meeee"s, that made me smile again. _"One second at a time," _I reminded myself.

"Dad, I gettin' soda," Bellie informed me, and I grinned at her moxy. That's my girl.

"Oh, no you're not, diva." I might be a little green at this, but I was her father. "No soda allowed in Avery bellies."

"You gets it."

"I do not." I thought I was getting away with sneaking those sodas, since April was the enforcer of the dietary rules. Guess not.

"Why Braelyn lookin' odder way, my dad? It silly."

"It's safe, Tee, not silly."

"I WANT SODA!" Bellie screamed, suddenly.

"You can scream all you want, it's not happening."

"You a mean dad! I want my mom."

"That's alright," I said. Deep breath in. "Your mom's away, resting." Three sobbing babies drowned my whisper out, just like that. But I knew I had to tell them. Every single time they asked, I had to tell them. _"One second at a time."_

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><p>I let Nikki leave as soon as we get home, but I wanted to beg her to stay. She helped when we went to Paris, two years ago, and had given me her schedule for the entire week, but she wasn't a live in. I had to do this by myself.<p>

Dinner, dinner would be easy, I thought. Just pass out the chicken nuggets and French fries. Except, it had to be Barbie month. And every Barbie in each meal just had to be different.

But after a quick lesson on sharing, we made it through that, and dinner was yummy, they told me, juice and all. I was nervous about bath time, but even though Bellie "hates bathies," all it took to get that done was a promise she could hold baby Laidy, once she was clean and had pajamas on.

"Hey you girls were so good today, for me. Thank you," I said, when we were all clean and on the couch, taking turns holding Laidy.

Bellie shook her head. "I wasn't dad, I wasn't good," she looked down at her sister, kissing her tiny newborn cheek.

I shrugged. "You tried, I know you tried, big girl. Why do you say you weren't good?"

"You try Bellie," Tenley agreed, patting her sister's hand.

"'Acause I say you mean, but you not, dad. You not. Don't go away restin'. Pease!'

"Hey look at me. I'm not going anywhere, OK? What do you say, when you make a mistake, Bellz?"

"Say so-ree and gib hug and kissies. I so-ree, dad," she kissed my cheek.

"Hugs later, we're holdin' Laidy right now. Gotta keep our hands right here. We're all staying right here."

"Yea, hugs lader."

"You girls were so good, today, how bout we have a sleepover in dad's room?" I knew it was a risk, but I had to get answers about pea-butter knives and my bed was the only one big enough to fit the three of us. Unfortunately, only the half of my brood that slept in big girl beds was eligible for this slumber party.

Tenley got up and ran toward the foyer. "My mom seep dare!" She giggled, heading up the stairs.

I sighed, yawning as I got up from the couch with the baby in my arms and motioned for Brae and Bellie to follow me.

"Mommy restin' right dad?" Bellie said, trailing behind me.

"Yeah, let's go remind your sister that mommy's away, resting."

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><p>"Alright, so we gotta talk about this peanut butter knife before bed, ladies." We were all snuggled in my bed, the girls all comfy in their matching heart feetie pajamas.<p>

"No we don't, dad, we don't!" Bellie shook her head against her pillow, giving me a sly grin.

"We have to though, sorry. When did you use knives, baby?"

"I nodda baby. I uses jus' a pea-butter knifea make pea-butter, duh. Can we read da Bears now?"

"No, read 'Melia. My mommy say!"

Bellie sighed, frustrated. "Mommy's not here, Tee, member? We check _and_ gib you huggies."

"I'll read them both in a few minutes. When did you make peanut butter, Bella?"

"Oh, ebryday afer pre-school, dad. We hafta eat lunch."

"Of course you do. Mommy didn't make you it?"

Bellie shook her head again, her wavy light brown hair moving wildly against the pillows. "Mommies hafta nap, dad."

I was officially horrified. "Did mommy go nap alone?"

Tenley giggled at the apparent absurdity of my question, judging from her sister's answer. "Don't be a silly dad. I can't takes carea baby Laidy."

"Where was Brae, girls?"

"Gib Brae Cheer-Os. 'Acause mom say no gib baby pea-butter."

Tenley nodded in agreement. "Pea-butter a big girls ony, my dad."

"What'd you do after lunch?"

"Oh easy, dad. Just colorin' or watch silly baby show fer Brae, no big deal!" That was Bellie's favorite phrase lately. Her voice would raise an octave when she said it, almost convincing you it was true. "Atil mom say time for bathie and den do langies an mom cooks a dinner fer dad, sometime."

She did always cook dinner, every night. And when I walked through the door she'd have a huge smile on her face. And when I asked how her day was, she'd say, "Great, honey! Just great." And when I asked how the girls' days were she'd always answer for them. "Great, tell dad what words we learned today." Or, "Bellie, tell dad what you did in school, today." I'd never known that the hours between 12 and 5 were unaccounted for. I should've known.

Sure, she wasn't breastfeeding Laidy, even though she'd been determined to make it work with the other three. Sure, sometimes she slept late when I was off and waved me away with instructions to "Deal with them." But, she was always up by eleven, at the latest. And she always had a great plan in mind for family day, especially when she was pregnant. I should've known. How could I have known?

"What about when daddy worked late at night?"

"Mom cooks fer girls ony, silly," Arabella laughed. Right, how silly of me.

"Sometimes, when you came home from pre-school did mom cook lunch?"

Both girls nodded. "Sometimes she no nap and den we eatsa turkey and do numbies an letters an langies. Like more pre-school." Bellie rolled her eyes. Those must have been good days.

I let myself laugh. "You ate a whole turkey? What about when you told me…remember you told me you said to mom 'bad dream go away' one time and cuddled with her?"

"I don't know dad. I don't know. I don't." She was suddenly shaking her head back and forth, on the verge of tears, and I knew this was all the information I was getting tonight. And that was fine. I had to remember they were only little girls.

"Ok, Ok. Daddy's sorry. No more questions tonight. We're gonna start with Amelia Bedelia for Tee, and then we'll read the Bears, sound good?"

"Yeah, no more askin' dad."

"No more." Tenley agreed.

I sighed. "No more askin'." For now.

* * *

><p>"Alright, prayers girls, how does this work?" I asked 20 minutes later, when we were done with both books.<p>

"What you mean? You just sayin' danks a God fer eberyding."

"Show me, baby. What does mommy say? Dad hasn't done this before."

Tenley wrinkled her nose from the far side of the bed. I needed to be on the end to get up for the baby. The monitor was right at my fingertips. I was petrified of sleeping through one second of crying on my first night really alone. "My dad nevee dood dis afore?"

"No, your dad never did this before." She laughed at the ridiculousness of it.

"I go firs. Eberyone close you eyes." Bellie gave my hand a reassuring pat under the covers. I kept my eyes open. "Dear God, I say danks fer my daddy. An' sissys. And 'acause we hab chicken nuggies fer dinner," She opened her eyes. "You aposed to keep you eyes closed dad. Now we says who fer God to watch fer us 'cause we don't see dem."

I was unable to contain my laughter. "Because we don't see them?"

"Yea 'acause us closed our eyes. Close you eyes, dad."

She appeared to be waiting for me to listen, so I obliged. "I needs God ta watch my dad and my sissys an my nana and my pop pop and gamma, gampa and fambly das in 'hio."

She opened her eyes, done with the memorized prayer list. "Who else, baby, who else do we need God to watch tonight?" If someone was listening to her, I wanted to make sure she covered all bases.

"Oh yeah. God, I need you a watch my mommy fer me, really really long time 'acause she restin' but she hafta come back, OK? A-Men."

I took a deep breath, gathering myself. I wasn't expecting that to make me so emotional. Tenley said her prayers next, and included her mommy first. When she was done, they both looked at me. "You turn, dad. You hafta try."

I didn't believe in God, but something in me decided that if someone out there was listening to my children's payers tonight, they might as well hear mine too.

"Dear God, I wanna say thanks for my four baby girls who are such good listeners."

"Dad, Laidy don't hears." Oh Bellie, always with a comment.

"Shhhhh!" And Tenley, always with the best response.

"Yes she does. Let me have my turn, diva….And I wanna say thank you for…" I paused, thinking of her caused a lump in my throat. "For their mommy, because she's the best mommy ever, and we hope your watching over her for us tonight." I opened my eyes. Short and sweet. My mom and Harper wouldn't want to be included.

"A-Man," Tenley finished for me, and I hastily closed my eyes again.

"Right, sorry, Amen." I reached over and tickled my girls, and sat up to give them goodnight kisses before shutting the lamp on the bedside table, all the while sending an extra wish into the universe. "_Please, let tonight be a quiet one_."

* * *

><p>At ten thirty, while I was watching the baseball game after getting up to feed Adalaide, my phone rang.<p>

"Hello?" I whispered. My TV was at exactly seven. I wanted nothing waking up the girls.

"Jackson Harper, how come I had to hear from Richard Webber who heard from Meredith Grey that 'something' happened to my daughter-in-law? He wouldn't tell me what or he didn't know or…that man infuriates me…and he's the LAST person I want to hear from right now."

"Mom lower your voice, the girls are sleeping next to me, calm down. And you should be speaking to him, if you ask me…"

"Well I didn't ask you anything about that, I asked you what happened to April? And why are my grandbabies in bed with you? You shouldn't do that, you know, they'll never be able to sleep independently if you…"

"Ma, the last thing I need from you right now is a parenting lesson." Maybe I needed one, but _not _from Catherine Avery, thank you very much. She'd turn a lesson into a mandate and be lugging my children to Boston before I knew it if I let her come here. There was no way I was letting that happen. No. Way. April was in the hospital because of me, in part. I was going to be the one to step up, for my daughters. Plus, I didn't need her judgy eyes. No matter what she said, they were judgy eyes.

"Oh, and why is that, Jackson, why is it the last thing you need from me?"

"No reason, ma."

"…So April is sound asleep right next to you, piled in there with three of your kids? I hope it's only three, Jackson, the baby can't…"

"Two. It's two ma." Laidy started crying over the baby monitor and I had never been so happy to hear one of my children cry. "Gotta go, Ma. The baby's crying."

"Jackson Harper, I will be there for my grandbaby's birthday…don't you think I'll…" I hung up on her. Of course I knew Tenley's birthday was coming up. But parties were April's thing. I had no idea what I was going to do, for it.

I changed Laidy and was desperately trying to get her back to sleep, but she just would not stop crying. "Shhhh Shhh Laidy, what's wrong girl? You've gotta do dad a solid and sleep, now. I can't be away from your sisters too long." I didn't want to be away from them. I didn't want them to wake up for any reason and find me gone.

Suddenly, the look on Tenley's face when I'd opened the door flashed through my mind and I froze, remembering.

_I scrubbed out of surgery and checked my phone to find I had eight missed calls from April's cell. She knew today was a surgery day. ""What in the hell warrants eight missed calls?" I wondered, dialing her back. _

_ "April, what…" I said, when someone answered the phone. _

_ "Dad, I can't reacha Cheer-Os." There was a slight quiver in her voice._

_ "Arabella, ask mommy to reach them for you. Did you call daddy all those times?" _

_ "Brae need dem an I can't reach dem." She started to cry. My sassy, tough girl didn't cry often. _

_ "Arabella where's mommy?" _

_ "Wit Tee…" _

_ "With Tee where, baby?" _

_ "I nodda baby dad." _

_ "Arabella Catherine, where are mommy and Tee." _

_ I did not raise my voice, but the sternness of my tone frightened her. She started to cry harder. _

_ "I'm sorry, sweetie, where's mommy? Can you please tell me where mommy is?" _

_ "Yeah, she in her room but door not openin'." _

_ I started running down the hallway. "Is she napping, napping with Tee and baby Laidy?" _

_ "No. Laidy in da carry nexa me, seepin.' But dad, when she no seepin' I can't maka boddle, I can't." _

_ Shit. "I know that. I know. Daddy's coming." I was in the attending's lounge. I grabbed my keys from my locker. Nothing else. "Bellie, I want you to go tell mommy I'm on the phone, can you do that for me? Tell her daddy wants to talk to her." _

_ I entered the elevator, hoping the connection didn't break as I heard the muffled sound of my baby's feet climbing up the stairs. Bellie was obviously more frantic when she got back on the phone. "She say no. They comin' a take me away. Don't open da door Bellie, dey comin'." Bellie burst into hysterical tears. _

_ Who was coming, what? "OK, Bellie you listen to me carefully. I know you're scared, but I need you to try to stop crying, OK?" _

_ I had reached my car without running into anyone, without letting anyone know I was gone. "Arabella Catherine, I need you to go downstairs and be with your baby sisters, OK? Is Tenley talking to you?" _

_ "She just cryin' and cryin' an say dey comin' too. Who comin' Dad?" _

_ "OK, listen to me Bella, go downstairs and be with the babies OK? Can you be a big girl and do that for me?" Something told me it was safer, down there. _

_ "Ye-ye-ye-ah. I i-s-s-s-s a bi-bi-bi-big girl." _

_ "I know you are. I know. Listen, Nikki's coming. I'm gonna call Nikki, and she's coming. And daddy. Daddy's coming. But I have to hang up so I can drive fast to you, OK? Listen to me, Nikki might get to the house before daddy. I want you to ask 'Who is it?' and then she's gonna tell you and open the door, OK?" _

_ "Ye-ye-yeah." _

_ "What did I say?" _

_ "Ask who is an when it Nikki she gon' come in. She gonna help my mom?" _

_ "She's gonna help you get the Cherrios, sweetheart." _

_ This made her a little bit happier. "OK, dad." _

_ "Daddy's coming." _

_ I quickly dialed Nikki and let out a sigh of relief when she answered. I explained what I knew, and told her what I told Bellie she'd do before she came in. "I'm sorry, Nik. I'm so sorry, but if you could just get her to unlock the door or at least talk to Tee. I'm sorry." _

_ I entered my house and my oldest daughter immediately grabbed on to my leg, without saying a word. Nikki was holding the baby, giving her a bottle. "Sorry, I just came down to make a bottle for her. April won't open the door, but Tee knows you're coming. But April's whispering to her. I don't know what." _

_ I picked up Bellie, kissing her cheek. "You're such a big girl, Bella. I love you. But I gotta go take care of mommy and Tee. I need to put you down now. But you did such a good job." Bellie nodded as I put her down. _

_ I bolted up the stairs. "April, hi. April, who is talking to you?" _

_ "JACKSON, THEY'RE HERE. THEY'RE GONNA TAKE HER FROM ME." At least she knew me.  
><em>

_ "April, no one's here. No one wants to take her away. It's just me. I just want you to open the door. I just want to kiss you hello."_

_ "My dad." Her tiny little voice whispered from behind the door. _

_ "Hi baby. Hi Tenley. Can you open the door for daddy?" _

_ "No leavee my mom." _

_ "But I wanna see your pretty face. I bet you have a pretty outfit on, Tee, do you?" _

_ "Yeah, preddy dress." _

_ "April, babe. I missed you today. I want a kiss." _

_ "They're gonna take her away because my house is a mess. They're gonna take her." _

_ "No, babe. The house is immaculate. No one's gonna take her." _

_ "They're here! THEY'RE GONNA TAKE HER!"_

_ Frantic, I realized I was going to have to go at this from a different angle. "Baby, let me in so I can fight them, April, please." I contemplated kicking down the door, but didn't want to further traumatize my daughter. _

_ "You…you're gonna fight them?" _

_ "Of course, babe. I'm always going to protect you. Please, babe…Open the door." I waited. Finally, the door gave. When I saw what was behind it, I wished I had kicked it in..._

"My daddy, dares a monster. You were not dare and dares a monster uner you bed." Tenley grabbed my leg, pulling me from my thoughts. I was afraid of this.

"I'm right here, sweetie. Laidy just needed a diaper change and now she won't go to sleep. I'm sorry, Tenley. I'm right here. Daddy's here. I'm sorry. Do you wanna help me rock Adalaide? You know how to rock her right, you're so good at it."

"Yea, I knows how, my dad."

"Alright, come on. Help your dad."

I sat on the rocking chair and she climbed next to me. We were rocking the baby for five minutes before Tenley said, "We hafa sing a song."

"Alright, sweetie, you sing. You sing a song. Daddy doesn't know any."

After two modified versions of "You Are My Sunshine," Laidy finally fell asleep. I was quickly learning to listen to my daughters. They were going to be the ones to help me through this. They were all I needed.

"Alright, sweet girl, are you ready to go back to bed? I'm gonna show you there's no monster. I don't let any monsters in my house."

"He dare, my dad."

"No he's not. Come on." But she wouldn't follow me through the door.

"I don' wanna go dare, my dad."

I knew it was probably best not to push it. It had only been a day. I don't know what I'd been thinking, with this sleepover, but it was the biggest bed in the house.

"OK, you don't have to. Come on. I'm gonna tuck you in to your bed."

"I wanna seep wit my dad."

"Okay, you know what? Come follow me. I promise, we're not going there."

I grabbed our sleeping bags and sheets and comforters from the hall closet, and made a makeshift bed on Tenley's floor. I placed her in a sleeping bag and kissed her forehead. "I've gotta go get pillows and Bellie, I'm coming right back." Tenley nodded.

So, I grabbed Bellie (who was out like a light, thankfully) and a bunch of pillows, and brought them to bed. Our sleepover turned into more of a camp-out, but that was fine with me. We were all where we needed to be.


	4. Chapter 3: Breaking

**If you read my other stuff, you know that I usually don't work at this speed (sorry). This is coming to me faster than anything I've done before, but I don't know if that speed will continue or not. I never know. I'm dealing with what actually happened that night very slowly because...well I'll be honest, I don't even really know right now. Stick with me. Hope you like this! PS: To the anon who mentioned Alex, you are genius!**

* * *

><p>"Daddy, why is we on da floor in here?" Bellie stirred me from a restless sleep. The baby had been up every hour last night, just about.<p>

"Because Tenley didn't want to sleep in my room, so I carried you in here." I yawned and groaned, rolling over.

"Oh yeah. I don't likes dat room eder, dad. I don't."

"OK, Bellie, can you go back to sleep now? It's Sunday. We sleep late, today." It was only seven.

I heard something about getting dressed and "bekfast," and felt two small kisses on each one of my cheeks before I drifted back to sleep, only semi-unwillingly. My tired, hazy mind knew what they were going to do, but thought it would be harmless. Even before I realized anything was wrong, I'd stand in the kitchen on Sundays sometimes, and watch them get cereal, with a smile on my face. My big girls.

A sudden, distant crash woke me up completely. I raced downstairs as fast as I could. "Fuck," I whispered, taking them two at a time. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." I should've known better. I should be doing better.

Bellie and Tenley stood frozen in the kitchen, in hysterics as they looked down at a broken glass. Then up at each other. Then down at the glass again, crying harder. It was too soon for me to have let this happen.

"Alright, it's alright, daddy's here girls. Come on." I scooped both of them up in my arms as they cried, kissing them. "It's alright. I'm here. I'm sorry. Daddy's so sorry."

When we began heading upstairs, Tenley went absolutely berserk, and Bellie followed her lead. "NO GO DARE, NO GO IN DARE, PEASE WE DON'T GO DARE!"

"NO GO DARE DAD. WE SORRY. NO GO DARE PEASE, DAD! WE BE GOOD."

"Look at me, Tenley Justine. We are not going in there. Daddy's not mad," but I was furious, with myself. "Do you understand, Arabella, we're not going into my room. We're going in to Tee's room and then yours. We're going to get dressed."

For me, this nightmare started when I heard the fear in my oldest daughter's voice on the phone. My girls' nightmare started a few hours before, from what I could guess, when Tenley dropped a glass plate on the kitchen floor, shattering it to pieces. What kind of father was I, to even let it be a possibility they could live any part of this again? And two days later, at that.

"I MAKE PEE PEE!" Tenley screamed, head in my chest.

"I know, you both did. That's Ok, it was an accident. It was just an accident. Shhh!" They'd wet themselves from terror, probably as soon as the glass hit the floor.

Upstairs in Tenley's room, I held them both in my lap, desperately trying to calm them down. "Shhh! It's Ok, girls. It was just an accident. Shhh…hey we gotta go wake the babies up, soon, are you gonna help dad?"

This seemed to calm them both, as they sniffled and nodded their heads. "Ok, well we have to be all dressed and ready when we do it, right?" They nodded again, quietly. "Alright, so lets stop crying and get ready. Forget about that stupid cup," I made a funny voice as I said it, and waved it away with my hand.

"Stupid cup." Tenley gigged as I tickled her neck.

"Stupid, stupid stupid." Arabella agreed.

"Yeah. Hey Bellie, you have to get in the shower, real quick to wash your body because of the accident, Ok?" She was fully potty trained, except in times when her dad allowed her to be terrorized, as could be expected. Tenley was on her way, still covered at night.

I was expecting a fight, but I didn't get one. All I got was more tears. "I so-ree, dad. I don't mean it happened…"

"I know, sweet girl that's OK. It's just, we all have to be clean for when we go out for waffles." That brought the smiles back. Waffles and grocery shopping, that was on the itinerary today. The baby cried over the monitor reminding me we had a long way to go before the waffles.

By 9:30, after a few more minor meltdowns, we were all ready to go. Everyone was packed in the van, car seats and all, and pretty pumped for waffles. It had been a long morning already. My phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey man, sorry it's so early on a Sunday."

"It's really not that early Alex, what's up?"

"I just…it's none of my…but, listen Mer told me about April being in…and Tenley and…I just thought, well…If you don't want to treat your kid at Grey-Sloan, my practice has a really good child psychiatrist…I just…."

"Thanks, really…" I jumped into the driver's seat.

"Put CD on, daddy!"

"Shhh daddy's on the phone….Sorry, I….the kids, we had a rough morning and, but anyway, we were talking about having them come to you anyway, before… so, yeah…maybe I'll…"

"Don't think it's a business thing, Jackson, please. I just…it's one thing to treat your kid there when she breaks her arm, a whole other when…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I mean, why else would you know if not for the Grey-Sloan gossip mill?" Alex Karev and I were friends. As much as I was friends with anyone. We lived together when the house was Meredith's of course, and then for a little while before April and I started hooking up. When he left Grey-Sloan for private practice, we started going out for beers every once in awhile. It worked because we both didn't talk much. We came from families that handled their business before anyone had anything to talk about. Our friendship worked because we met sometimes to watch the game at Joe's and grumble about not understanding women on commercial breaks. We never asked questions.

"Sorry. I…I waited a day, I…"

"I appreciate it, I do, man."

"Yeah no problem. Oh and Jo wanted me to tell you that if you need anything, we're around. You know my hours aren't as crazy over there and she's nesting but…she'd love to have some practice if…"

Suddenly, I had an idea. "Hey Alex? Are you home today? I just, we're going to get waffles but I just, I just need to go to the supermarket for an hour afterwards and if you could just…If you could meet me at the diner, and take them, just an hour. I'll buy you breakfast." It just sort of came out. I didn't ask people for favors, but then I started thinking of the potential fits that could be had in the middle of the candy aisle and figured I'd give it a shot. Just an hour.

"Oh uhh…all four?" And there it was. The problem with babysitting the Averys. It had been this way for about a year and a half now, ever since Braelyn was born. My wife and I, well April, lately I guess, were raising very kind, loving, respectful little girls. But they were all still very young, and I was quickly learning, a handful, even when they weren't trying to be.

"I can…I can take the baby if…"

"Jackson, of course we'll take them. All four of them. For as long as you need. Sorry my husband is being an asswipe."

I chuckled at Jo, but then realized the gravity of what I was asking. "Jo, you're seven months pregnant. He's right, I shouldn'tve…"

"All that means is I need all the practice I can get. And I will take you up on those waffles. He had the phone on speaker."

"We had a rough morning Jo, are you sure…."

"Jackson, please stop making excuses to take help. Do me a favor, pack a toy bag. Can you pack a toy bag and a diaper bag? And just stay out. Or go to the store and then come here and have a beer Jackson. Have a beer."

"Alex isn't drinking…"

"Today, he is and he's going to love you for it. Pack the bags. Goodbye."

"Alright, divas. Who wants to go meet Aunt Jo and Uncle Alex for waffles?" Thankfully, they seemed excited. "And then you're gonna go play with them while daddy runs an errand. So, we have to all go pick out two toys each, can we go do that as fast as we can?"

"Yeah."

"Fast."

"Yeah, fast Brae Brae, or else daddy doesn't know if he can make it to the waffles."

"But I want waffles dad."

"Yeah me too, lovie, so hurry…"

* * *

><p>Somehow, we got to the diner, all of us, in five whole pieces. Jo helped me make a grocery list on a napkin. The girls loved it, because it was silly to write on a napkin. And because they each got to pick a snack. Bellie tried to sneak soda in there, but I shut that down real quick.<p>

Alex was so good with the girls; they didn't even notice the swap of keys in the parking lot. They danced right into their car seats for us, and were laughing so much they didn't even care that I wasn't the one to jump in the driver's seat. Jo had to shoo me away. It was harder for me than it was for them.

I was searching the grocery shelves, looking for all the mommy-approved meals Jo had detailed for me, side dishes and all. Her baby girl wasn't born yet, but she was a mommy, and she knew better than me, for sure.

I was trying to decide whether I had the energy to cook fresh peas over frozen ones when my phone rang. Thinking it was Alex or Jo with a question about the girls, I picked up without checking the screen.

"Hello?"

"I miss you." I dropped a bag of peas and watched them fall to the ground. In my mind, their crash sounded like the glass that broke this morning. Her.

I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "I miss you."

"Are you still in love with me?"

"Yes. Very much."

"Do you want to cheat on me?"

"NO! No! Why are you…"

"How come you haven't visited me?"

"April…"

"Did I hurt my babies?"

I fell back against the shelf opposite the freezer. The casualness of her tone didn't erase the weight of her question. I hung up on her, because there was no right answer to that question. I hung up on my wife, wiped the tears from my eyes and stood up in the middle of aisle five.

My phone rang again. Dr. Craven. "Jackson, you shouldn't hang up on her like that."

"Dr. Craven, why is she calling me?"

"She is not in prison. She is lucid, she has been. She misses you."

"Great. She's lucid so it's totally fine for her to ask complicated questions, probably unsupervised. What if I answered her? What if I didn't hang up and then…"

"Jackson, she can't hurt herself here, you know that."

"Do I? Do I really?"

"Yes. I think you do. She misses you. You need to be here for her, too."

"It's been a day. One full day. And I had to work. And take care of my children."

"She hasn't seen your face. She needs to see your face. I know we said Monday, but I think you should come in, today."

I sighed, trying to think of an excuse, but I couldn't. My children weren't with me. Jo had begged me to stay out for longer than an hour. I should go see my wife.

"Let me check with my friends. I'm only supposed to be out for an hour. Thankfully they weren't here when…"

"Jackson, just call me when you're on your way."

In the store parking lot, I dialed Jo. As expected, she was fine with keeping the girls for as long as I needed. Even though I was expecting her answer, I felt my stomach drop when she said it. I was officially going to visit April.

"Can I talk to the girls?"

"Let me see, their in the middle of a hair appointment, but maybe they'll stop putting bows in Alex's hair to talk to their dad…"

"Dad! Uncle Alex braided our hair an now we doin' his wit lotta bows an' he look funny." Bellie laughed.

"Glad your having fun, diva, where's Tee?"

"She puttin' listick on him." More giggles.

"Can you put her on, I wanna talk to her." I also figured Alex would welcome the interruption. "I love you."

"My dad! You gonna learns howa put braids in my hair like my mom dos."

"I am?"

"Yeah. Unc Alex gon' teachie you."

"He's gonna teachie me?"

"Yeah, my dad. And we gon' havee a dance party lader."

"You are?"

"Yeah, I missie da dance party." Oh, those dance parties. She loved them. I wondered when she had one last.

"So, you're having a good day?"

"Yeah, my dad. I's havin' a good day. Wansa talk to Brae? She colorin'."

"Yeah, please."

"Here Brae, say hi to your dada." I heard Jo say, before handing over the phone.

"Dada. Hi dada."

"Hi baby, what're you doing? Are you coloring?"

"Brae color! Horsie!"

"Are you happy?"

"Brae hap!"

"Love you, baby."

"Lovie!"

"See, all your kids are fine, Jackson. Alex just gave Adalaide a bottle and she's breaking in the crib for Lilly. She's fine. Stop stalling. Go see your w-i-f-e."

I hung up, putting my head on the steering wheel, ashamed that I was hoping for some kind of emergency. But there was none. I had to go visit my wife.

* * *

><p>"Hi." I said, nervously looking down at my feet as Dr. Craven went to shut the door. I sat on the chair opposite the couch that April had gotten up from.<p>

"Hi." She sat back down when she saw me sit, playing with her fingers in her lap. Her face was drawn and pale, her lips dry. She pulled her favorite strawberry chapstick tin from her pocket, concentrating hard on applying it. "You might wanna…" She couldn't look me in the eye.

"Jackson, thank you for coming, but if we're going to do therapy, I'm going to need my seat, if you don't mind."

"Oh right, sorry so…" I stood up awkwardly, motioning to the couch.

"Yes, you can sit anywhere on the couch you'd like."

I sat, making sure there was space between us, but not too much. April dropped her hand between us, there for the taking. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I loved her. I was in love with her. And I realized she was sick, and that she needed me. I understood. I wanted to be there for her. Part of me wanted to grab her and hold her. I missed kissing her. But couldn't bring myself to take her hand.

"Jackson," she pleaded, whispering. I pretended not to hear.

"So, let's start, then shall we? April, you're already crying, what are you feeling?"

"He can't even look at me. He won't even take my…what did I do? I just want to know what I did. Why won't anybody tell me what I did? Are they…are they…?" she cried, unable to finish her sentence.

"April, remember yesterday? We told you your children are fine."

I snickered, the terror in their faces from this morning flashing through my mind. I wouldn't say they were fine.

"I saw that reaction, Jackson. Do you have something to say?"

"No, nothing. She's not…nothing."

"Can you tell her why you can't look at her? Why can't you hold her hand? What are you feeling, Jackson? This is the place to say." This was my first visit to a therapist's office. I was an Avery. We didn't talk about feelings.

"I feel. . ." How did I feel? I didn't even know. "I feel upset. I wish we…I wish we didn't have to be here. I don't understand how it…how it came to this."

"Are you angry, Jackson? Is that why you can't touch your wife? You can be angry."

"No! No." I grabbed April's hand to make a point. It felt cold, foreign. "I'm not angry…it's not her…"

"Talk to her, she's right there…"

"I'm not angry," I said, making an effort to look in her eyes. "You're sick."

"I don't…I don't know what to…why won't he…" She looked away from me, wiping a continuous stream of tears from her eyes, to no avail.

"Alright. So, what this is coming down to is…she doesn't know what happened. I know it's hard, so I tried to start somewhere else but, we are not going to make any progress until you tell her what happened. Can you do that, Jackson?"

_Crash!_ I hear the sound of the broken glass from this morning, the one that's still on my floor, for the third time that day. Suddenly, almost violently, I let go of April's hand and walked toward the door. "No! No. I'm not doing this, this isn't…no…I shouldn't be…I'm not doing this."

Head down, I walked out of the room and quickly to the elevator, but Dr. Craven ran in front of me to block me.

"She needs you, Jackson. She needs you, too. And she needs you to be honest."

"I honestly want to leave, so…do you mind?"

"You're angry. Why are you angry?"

"I mean, I know it's just day two, but what have you been doing here, huh? Why do I have to be the one to…" I looked to the floor, unable to finish my sentence. "I should…I should transfer her to Seattle Community…"

"Really? You don't trust the doctors in the hospital you part own to…"

"No! No I don't…because you, you're…she doesn't know what happened? Are you kidding me? What have you been doing, discussing the weather?"

"Well, sessions are confidential…" I rolled my eyes at what I considered a lame excuse. "…But I will tell you that we've been dealing with her depression, which she hasn't ever addressed before. She's so in love with you that she tried to ignore all of her other feelings."

"Oh bullshit. Don't start blaming me for…don't make me feel guilty for…"

"I wasn't, I didn't say much about you at all…Do you though, do you feel guilty, Jackson?"

"What are you…" I looked down at the little man in front of me. I could easily toss him aside and just get on the elevator. But that wouldn't be productive at all. I loved her, and I wanted my family back. "Of course I feel guilty." I wiped a tear from my eye, hoping he thought it was dust.

"And angry. You seem very angry."

"I'm not…just at myself…she didn't…she's…"

"It's OK to be angry at her."

"I love her."

"That's OK. You can love her and be angry at her. I bet she's pretty angry at you, too."

"What does she…" I stopped myself. He wouldn't tell me that. "Fine! I'm angry. I'm angry at her. And I want her to come home. I need her back." There was no point in hiding the tears, anymore.

"You know that probably won't happen for a couple of weeks, at least Jackson. But the first step to April's coming home…to getting her back, is to tell her what happened. And I'm sorry, but it's not…Only you know what you saw. We know from the medical perspective. You didn't even tell us much, beyond what we needed to know. Which is fine. But if you want her to come home healthy, she needs to know the whole story. And you need to tell her while she's here. Because we have the tools to help her deal with it."

"Is she…is she even ready?"

"I think so. I don't know the whole story. But she's not…she never was suicidal, Jackson. It might hurt, but she'll be here, she'll work through it. She can't exactly…well, she can't exactly acknowledge the newborn, yet, but she loves her children."

I pushed this new, disturbing bit of information aside, not able to deal with it yet, myself. "So what? How does this work? Do you want me to tell you first, just in case she can't…"

"We can do it however you want. However you want."

"Fine." I paused a second, thinking. "I don't want you in there."

"Jackson, you can't…I really don't want you to use this to hurt her in any way. I know you're angry. But this is, this is…"

"I won't. I don't want to hurt her, on purpose. But you said this is my story, that I have to tell it."

"I did, but…"

"So I just want it to be us. And then she can process it however she needs to. I just…I can't…I just want to tell my wife."

"Alright fine. That's fine. Let me just make sure she's OK with that. You can go in 1211. She'll be in in a few minutes."

* * *

><p>That was fine with me. I needed a few minutes to process what I was about to do. Room 1211 was empty, literally empty, and I wondered for a second what the psych budget was used for, that they couldn't even put a couch in every room. I shook the thought away, sitting on the carpet, against the off-white wall, in a corner, head in my hands.<p>

I wasn't certain this was the right thing to do, but Dr. Craven had a point; he had several good points, actually. She had to know what happened if she was ever going to get out. And of course I was going to be the one to tell her. I'd always known that, on some level. But, I hadn't told anybody, yet. Nikki and I were the two adults that saw anything, and she didn't see much. Only one tiny human experienced every second of terror. I didn't want to re-live what I knew even once if I could help it. That night was strictly need-to-know. And telling her was going to be the most difficult thing I ever did in my life, I knew it.

April walked in and peeked at me anxiously, before walking across the room and sitting in the corner diagonal from me, curling herself into a ball. Despite the seriousness of what we were about to do, I couldn't help but smile.

When we were first married, before we even knew April was pregnant with Arabella, we used to play a game. I didn't have an office in my apartment. I wasn't anticipating being the representative for the majority owners of a hospital when I bought it. And once I was on the board, it never even occurred to me to furnish an office. I lived alone, and was more concerned with drafting budgets than anything else.

But, April hated when I worked in bed. And I did have one spare room with nothing in it. So, I would sit in there with my laptop and work. And when April got home, or when she got annoyed waiting for me to come to bed, she'd come into the room and sit in the opposite corner from where I was. Slowly, we'd both start moving toward the center of the room. My speed usually depended on how much work I had left to finish. But April's. April's speed depended on how horny she was. Sometimes, she'd take an article of clothing off each time she moved forward, and if she was really…frustrated, she didn't even bother to play the game at all and just took off her clothes and stood in the middle of the room, waiting. She never had to wait long.

But then, Arabella was born, and the spare room turned into a nursery. Soon after Tenley was born, we moved into the 1.5 million dollar home I bought while April was sleeping, and even though it was huge, we had enough kids now (and enough stuff) to fill every room.

It had been awhile since we sat across from each other in an empty room, with nothing but time. Of course, the nature of this moment was very different than all the others, but it was comforting, relying on a good memory to somehow help us get through this, the most difficult moment in five years of marriage. I scooted a few inches forward. April did the same.

I reached the center first, motivated by the fact that the faster I got through this, the sooner I could hug my girls. I put out my hands, offering support. It occurred to me that this is the first time I've actually thought about helping her, and I feel ashamed. I didn't blame her for hesitating. "Come on babe, I'm here."

She shook her head back and forth, like a child. Like Arabella when it's her turn to help set the table. "No, no, no, no, no, don't make me. Don't." Our four year old will scream, shaking her wild mane, until we're so hungry we leave her in the kitchen, and eat off paper plates with plastic utensils in the dining room.

"You're mad at me." She found words.

"But I love you."

"I'm scared."

_"I was, too,"_ I thought. And I wanted to snap. But I didn't. "Me too," I offered, instead.

"Why are you scared?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you."

"But I need to know."

"I know," I whispered playing with the shag of the rug. Finally, she took my hands, lacing her fingers with mine.

"Ready?"

"No."

"What do you need?"

"Will you kiss me, please?" I felt my breath catch in my throat, a mixture of fear and that shame that was apparently the theme of the day. I felt shame because of the fear. But I felt fear because, if I kissed her, what did it mean? Forgiveness? Acceptance? Or, maybe it just meant love.

Love, I was realizing, in the past two days more than ever before, was complicated. Subconsciously, a little piece of me was expecting my love for April to go away, because of that night. But it didn't. It wasn't. In fact, it might've been growing stronger with every second I was away from her.

"_She is sick," _I reminded myself. "_She did not do this on purpose." _

Finally, I nodded, slowly lifting my hands to frame her face. We kissed, and I tasted the strawberry wax on her lips. I missed that.

We missed each other so much we keep kissing. But then I remembered and pulled away. The expression on April's face looked like I'd just slapped her. This is why I was afraid.

"Are you ready?" April shrugged. Maybe Dr. Craven was right; maybe he should be here. It seemed like April wanted that kiss to fix everything. But I knew we had a lot more breaking to do, first. "I'm here and I love you and I am ready to tell you what happened. That's all I've got for you, right now. What've you got for me?"

"I'm ready," she whispered after a minute, so softly that at first I thought it was just her voice in my head. I put my finger under her chin so she is looking me in the eyes, and I started with the broken glass.


	5. Chapter 4: Fragile

"Tenley dropped a glass plate."

"Tenley?"

"Tenley." April loved all of our daughters. But she and Tenley, they had the same soul. It was quiet and fragile and happy. They used to be happy. Sometimes, they would lock themselves in our room at night, when April was too exhausted to fight with Arabella about homework, I realized now. April and Tenley would laugh and laugh as they cuddled and watched movies, oblivious to the fireworks happening on the other side of the door.

"Why dey laughin'?" Bellie would huff, indignantly. Arabella resented listening to others' joy when she was suffering.

"Because they don't have to wait for you to write your name five times in a row," I'd answer, rolling my eyes. But the truth was, they were always laughing, together. They needed each other to deal with all the rest of us crazy, stubborn Avery souls. So that it was Tenley hurt her heart a little more.

"And you…you cleaned it up but you…you must have snapped because, you put a piece of glass in your pocket and you…"

"No."

"…And you picked her up, took her into our bedroom and locked the door."

"No, no…I did hurt her. I did! They lied, they lied to me!"

"Listen. Listen." Somehow, I was getting through, detaching myself, pretending I was passing along information to a patient. "I don't know what went on in that room before I came in, but…you thought you were fighting people who wanted to take her away from you and…when you finally opened the door…I found you both curled up in bed. Her hand was over yours as you…as you cut into your thighs…"

_There were four lines of cuts across her leg from her upper thigh to just above her knee. Four cuts in each line. Deep, jagged messy cuts. My two-year-old daughter's hand was over her mother's. She was paralyzed with fear, watching as her hand slid across her mother's leg, leaving behind a trail of blood. _

_ My first instinct was to grab the glass from April's hand, but I knew better. "Hi April, hi babe, give me the glass so I can help you fight. Can I have the glass, please?"_

_ "Jackson, hi. Dinner's not, dinner's not ready…I…they came in, they broke the window and…" Her eyes were wide, empty. She was in some sort of trance. _

_ "That's OK, April, we'll heat up leftovers. Can you hand me the glass, please, babe?" She obliged, in slow motion. As soon as it left her hand and dropped into mine, Tenley's free hand clutched April's neck, tightly. They were curled in a ball, April's leg gushing out blood. _

_ "Tee, it's daddy. Come to daddy. I want to take you downstairs to play with Bellie and Brae. C'mon, let me take you down to the dollhouse." My next goal was to get my child out of this scene, safely. But she wouldn't budge. _

_ "Dey gonna take me away from my mommy. Can't leave my mommy." _

_ "No, no sweetie, no one's going to take you away from your mommy. She has boo boos, we just have to go make them better." I was lying and we all knew it. _

_ "DON'T TAKE HER, DON'T LET THEM TAKE HER FROM ME!" Tenley burst into hysterical tears as April screamed, and clung to her even tighter. I took them both, or none at all, it seemed. I did not want to pry Tenley from April's arms, afraid of the panic that would cause. _

_ I took out my cell phone and dialed Nikki. "Please get the girls down in the basement, now!" There would be no emergency vehicles visiting the Avery residence tonight. I knew that while April's cuts were deep, they weren't life threatening. Her mental state was the issue here, and I wasn't about to make her worse or frighten the girls by allowing strangers in my home. "April, let's go. Let's get out of here, babe."_

_ "Chase them?" _

_ I had no idea what was going on in her head, in that moment. "Yeah, yeah sure. Chase them." Somehow, I got an ace bandage around her leg, with Tenley attached to her neck. When I was sure my other girls were downstairs, I carried my wife and daughter to the car, all the while whispering. "No one's coming. No one's coming." _

"NO! NO! THAT WASN'T ME, THAT WASN'T ME, THAT WASN'T ME!" April screamed, as soon as I got to the point in the story where I was on the stairs. Through everything else, she'd been quiet, staring at me in a trance. It was like the weight of the situation hit her all at once, in that moment.

On a certain level, she was right. That person wasn't her. But she had hid her pain from me long enough to become someone else, someone we both didn't know, and suddenly, it was all too much for me to take.

I knew a good husband would've said, "I know, sweetheart," and at least given her a hug. A good husband would've followed her out of the room when she got up and started to cry. A good husband would've gone over to her and tried to help the nurses calm her panic attack. But I walked out of the room, saw her shaking and crying in Beth's arms, and headed straight for the elevator.

Of course, Dr. Craven was there to greet me once again. "I can't…I'll be here tomorrow. I will. I'll be here tomorrow. I…I gave her what I could, Dr. Craven."

Something in him knew not to challenge me. "OK. OK, Jackson. But you can't keep…leaving her. You made a promise. She remembers that promise. That's why you had to come here today. You made a promise."

"I didn't break it. I didn't leave her. I'm here. I'll be here." He let me go.

* * *

><p>I knew I couldn't go pick up the girls in the mood I was in. So I drove. I drove all the way to Mark and Lexie's grave site, my thinking place. I didn't know what I believed in, but everyone needs something, right?<p>

I didn't talk to them out loud. But I came to their graves and felt my mind clear. It's not like my marriage had always been a fairytale. We conceived Arabella on our wedding night, so haven't had much time to catch our breath, literally.

There was the fight. And then April left. And I couldn't sleep for two days. And she told me she was pregnant over the phone. And then she came home and we had to work at everything. We didn't necessarily have to learn about each other, we had to learn how to respect each other. And how to love; we had to learn how to be in love. Because neither of us really knew how to do that. And it was fun, but it was hard work. So sometimes, I visited my friends to think.

There was the panic attack in the elevator when she was six months, and that time she overworked herself so much she put Arabella in distress and the doctor put her on bed rest. A warning sign I missed. She had to have an EVC before she pushed, and wouldn't let me in the room until the last hour of labor, so that was a mess.

Once the baby was born, April became pretty obsessed with everything she did. When she ate, when she slept, when she pooped, what faces she made, what noises she made, what she played with. It got pretty exhausting. And, I loved my baby, but I felt forgotten, for nearly a year. So I came to his grave and asked, "what would Mark do?"

The answer was ask. Mark would just ask for what he needed. So, I did. And she gave it to me, and then Tenley came 9 months later. And April relaxed a little bit, but we were driving ourselves crazy raising two kids, and I started to miss my wife again. I visited Mark and Lexie to think, and realized we never had a proper honeymoon.

And then came Paris and Braelyn. And I thought April had it all down with three kids. She did, because she was on maternity leave. We were happy. I thought we were happy. We had a lot of sex. But we were also just happy. April got pregnant with Adalaide and she seemed fine. It was definitely a tough decision to stay home with the kids. She cried, but _she _made it. I never suggested she stay home.

Eleven months later, after ignoring some big, and small warning signs along the way, I was back at Mark's grave, wracking my brain for answers. "What would Mark do?"

With this anger. I was so fucking angry with my wife. She hurt my baby. Tenley might not have physical scars, but even I couldn't deny the emotional ones that were already apparent. And all April had to do was tell me. I would've helped her. I would've helped her and held her and sat in therapy rooms and talked and screamed and cried and fixed it. She knew. She knew that sometimes, I needed her to ask for help.

Instead, she let herself fall deeper and deeper down a black hole. Now, she was so far down, I couldn't reach her. So far gone, I didn't recognize the woman in that room. Her kiss tasted the same, but she was a shell of the woman I married. April had always been fragile. The woman I saw today was broken, and her eyes were dead. All she had to do was ask.

* * *

><p>"You did it good, my dad, da braid," Tenley said later, removing a pacifier from her mouth to brush her teeth. When I picked up the kids, we stayed to eat the pizza they made with Jo and Alex, and I got my beer. Jo was right, even after giving myself an hour to think, I needed a beer. And then, at the girls' insistence, I learned how to braid their hair.<p>

They were good; Braelyn throwing a juice box was the only incident of the day. But they both expressed concerns about Tenley. All they could say, though, was she seemed "anxious" all day, and they gave me the name of a Dr. Woodall, a woman in Alex's practice.

"Thank you baby. You look pretty." She smiled in the mirror and nodded at me, moving her toothbrush back and forth. "You need to get in the back, too Tee. And stick out your tongue, say 'ahh' and brush your tongue." She giggled and rinsed.

"Watch t.v. wit me, my dad."

"Oh no, sneaky girl that's not happening, you're already the last one awake. Come on, time for bed."

"Seep on floor wit you?" she asked, when we got to her room.

"No, that was just for last night."

"Yes pease, stay here." She was talking with a pacifier in her mouth. We'd ended that habit months ago from what I knew.

"Tenley Justine, I can't understand you with that passi in your mouth. That's not yours is it?" I asked, sitting her down on her bed and removing it for her.

"No. Tooked it from Brae 'acause she gaved it to me when I ask her."

"You don't need that, Tee, you're a big girl."

"But I want it, my dad."

"But that's for babies."

"I you baby."

"No you're not. You're a big girl now. You know what happens next week?" She shook her head no.

"It's your birthday and we're having a party for you, Tee. How old are you gonna be?"

"Two."

"No silly. You know you're turning three. Three year olds don't use passis."

"Yes. I want to, pease!" She started to cry.

"Alright, what's wrong? What is this Tenley? Tell dad, what are you feelin'?"

"Sad. I want to seep wit my dad."

I knew that was just the surface, but it was a start. Eventually we'd deal with why I was cutting up pizza slices and chicken nuggets into little pieces before she would eat them. "Dad's too tall for your bed, Tenley."

"Do like dis." She lie down on the bed and curled her feet up really tight, not unlike the way I found her Friday evening. She stopped crying, happy thinking it was just my height keeping me from snuggling.

"Tee, you slept in your bed the night before the sleepover, remember?"

She shook her head back and forth, but I wasn't interested in figuring out what she actually remembered from that night, yet. Also, I might've put her in bed while she was sleeping, now that I thought about it.

"No be alone." The tears were back.

"Tee, you won't be alone. I'm just down the hall." Her crying was just escalating, and wearing me down with every second. "Alright. Shhh. If daddy and Tee go sleep in the guest room, no passis allowed in there. Do you want the passi?"

"No. Want to seep wit my dad so no monster."

Oh, the monster was back. But I was too tired for that conversation right now. I sighed, putting her on my shoulders so she could reach her bookshelf. "Alright, pick a book, sweetheart."

_ "Just one night," _I tried lying to myself.

"Two," she said, knowing she'd won for the night. We left her room.

I knew I was enabling, babying, doing a lot of things wrong. But none of it mattered as she snuggled next to me after prayers and whispered "I love my dad." I was just trying to hold us all together.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I might get some things wrong, as I write this. I research what I can, but rely a lot on my own instinct. I just want to make clear that cutting is a serious issue (if you struggle with it, get help!), but self-harming behavior is often a side effect of anxiety and depression. April is NOT suicidal (but anyone who has suicidal thoughts should also get help!). Stick with me, guys! I'm interested in how someone works through these issues and comes out on the other side, but I'm trying to write it as realistically as I can. <strong>


	6. Chapter 5: Shame

**Hello lovely readers! Just wanted to take some time to say thank you for all of the support I'm getting with this story, on Tumblr and on here! It's not easy to write so every bit of support means so much! Every R&R makes me smile so keep them coming :) I want those who have mentioned concern with the girls' voices to know that I see you, and tried to improve it. But my heart can't write them "normal," that isn't how I hear them. If it helps to understand her, Bellie might never have her "V," it's a B...And IDK what I have Tenley doing, it's no pattern. But, I did take those comments into consideration. Anyway, I hope you like this, let me know! :)**

* * *

><p>"Hi," I said to her, walking into our first scheduled joint session Monday afternoon. I sat on the couch. She placed a pillow between us and crossed her arms. It was my turn to put my hand between us, hers to take if she wanted it. She looked down at it, but quickly looked away.<p>

"April, you look pissed, why don't you start." Dr. Craven sat in his chair.

"I am pissed. He owes me an apology."

"Tell him. You guys are never going to get anywhere if you don't start talking to each other. And tell him why."

"You owe me an apology for leaving yesterday. You knew I was upset and you left and it made me feel sad."

"Jackson?" Dr. Craven raised his eyebrows at me.

I cleared my throat. "Wait, I have a…a question. How does this work, do I have to apologize or can I…defend myself?" I asked the therapist, sincerely.

"She wasn't accusing you."

"'Owe' feels like a strong word right now."

"I would like an apology, please."

"Good, good April. Nice job, reframing."

"I'm sorry that you felt sad when I left. But I was very angry. I left because I knew that was best for both of us."

"Good Jackson. Nice start." I appreciated him trying to reassure me, but all of this formal 'feeling' language sounded very robotic to me. And it was certainly awkward, evident in our silence.

"Tell her why, why did you feel angry?"

"Remembering that night, seeing Tenley's face in my head, made me feel very angry at you."

"Because…"

"Because I wish you would have told me that you were hurting before it got to this. I would've told you, April. If it were me. I would've told you." I looked away from her, trying to fight the tears forming behind my eyes. But once they started, they wouldn't stop.

"OK, it's OK Jackson. It's OK to cry, here. Stay with us, yeah? Stay here. I know you're fighting the urge to leave. Stay here." I nodded and Dr. Craven handed me a tissue box. "Tell us, tell us why those tears came."

"It's just…overwhelming. Everything."

"What's everything?"

"Her health, I want her healthy. But we have…so far to go and the kids. I'm all alone and they miss her…they ask me ten times a day for their mommy and it's day, day three. Day three."

"Alright, well let's pause a second because, if you are overwhelmed, that's not good for the children so…what can you do? To feel less pressure, so you are happier, and the girls are?"

"He can call his mom." April whispered, shrinking away from me as she said it.

"No. Absolutely not. No way. She'll take them to Boston. She will do it. I'd rather call…"

"No. Please no. You didn't call her, did you? I…I don't want her to know."

"Alright, well. I can see why you broke, April. Honestly, I can see very easily how you got to this point. Do either of you ever ask anyone for help?"

"Her. All the time. I ask her for help."

"April?"

"He's right. I don't. I should've…I just…if he's disappointed in me than I have…No one."

"OK, we'll get back to that April. I promise. But right now, we need to help Jackson feel good about a plan for the kids, do you think you can try to…figure that out, together?"

"What about Nikki?"

"She's been…she's not…she can't be a live in right now, " I stumbled, not sure how to tell them that she was helping with the infant my wife couldn't acknowledge, until 6 pm every day.

"You are doing something, now Jackson. It might not be the best plan but for the weekend, it worked. Where were the girls this weekend?"

"In the daycare here, and a friend helped, but I don't know if that's the best answer for summer. Arabella's done with preschool, Friday…and then next week is…"

"Tenley's birthday." She whispered it. She sounded frightened, almost.

"Alright. Well…Jackson, you're the one parenting, at the moment." I heard April gulp. "What would you like to do?"

"I'd like to…I'd like to call her mother. I think her mother deserves to know. And she could stay here. She would stay here, with them."

April turned a shade lighter, but said nothing. "And what's so bad about them spending the first few weeks of summer with one of their grandmothers? Wouldn't that be best even? They'd get to have some fun, be away from this intense situation?"

"No. No. Not at all. I'll, we'll….when this is over we'll go away but I'm not sending my children away from me right now. From her. From you April. She can see them when she's ready, right?"

"Yes. OK, so…Call…your mother-in-law, that's what you want to do?"

"Yes."

Suddenly, April's breath quickened, and she started crying, rocking back and forth, and slid off the couch and on to the floor. I'd never seen her do anything like this before. Earnestly, I turned to Dr. Craven for help. "Wh-Wh-What is this?"

"April. April. Look at me. You have to talk through this." He turned to me. "Jackson, are you going to leave right now?"

"What? No. No! Why does she constantly think…"

Dr. Craven cut me off. "Why don't you get down on the floor with her. Sit with her, right in front of her." I did what he asked. "April, open your eyes, open your eyes and look at your husband." She took a deep breath and obeyed.

"April, I'm here. I'm here to fix this, to help you. I'm here. I'm sorry I left…twice. I'm sorry. But I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Please believe me." She nodded and accepted my hands.

"Good, good. April, what did you feel when Jackson said he wanted to call your mother? Tell him."

"I f-felt SHAME. I feel so much shame." She was sobbing, trembling. She fell into my arms, and, not knowing what else to do, I rubbed her back like I did Adalaide's when I was trying to get her to sleep. I soothed my wife as I soothed my infant daughter.

Shame. I could relate. I felt so much shame for my ignorance. "Why? Tell him why. I know it's going to be hard, April. But I'm right here for support. Tell Jackson what thoughts and behavior you are ashamed for people to know about."

She backed away from me, suddenly, addressing the doctor. "I c-c-c-an't. He'll leave me."

"Jackson, I'm going to ask you a very difficult question right now, but I need you to answer honestly. Can you please look at your wife and tell her under what circumstances would you consider leaving her? Any circumstance at all that pops into your mind."

I took a deep breath. "If she…"

"Her. Please look at her."

Right. I reached for her hands, and waited until she was looking at me. She was more frightened than I'd ever seen her before. "If you…If you cheated on me, we'd really have a lot of work to do. I might leave you if you cheated on me."

"April, did you cheat on Jackson?" She shook her head and Dr. Craven motioned for me to continue.

"If you killed one of my daughters. I don't…I don't think I could…" Tears escaped my eyes.

"I know this is hard. You both are doing great. That is exactly what I need you to do, Jackson. April…did you kill one of your children?" Obviously, we all knew the answer to that question. Still, when he said it, I felt the bile rise in my throat.

"NO! NO OF COURSE NOT!"

"That's right. Of course you didn't. Go on, Jackson."

"If you…if you murdered somebody I'd want you to tell me why, and I might…I might leave you if you murdered someone." We'd laughed about this, in the past. We'd promised if one of us murdered someone, as long as the other had a respectable enough motive, we would stay. In this room, nothing felt funny.

"I didn't." April bypassed the middleman.

I took a deep breath, before saying the next one, and closed my eyes. I'd saved it for last, knowing it was going to be the hardest.

"Look at her. As hard as it might be, look into her eyes, Jackson…"

I listened, but knew there was a tear in them already. "If you had…" I looked away for a second, trying to control my tears. "If you had hurt her, this would…this would be a lot harder to…I might not know if I could stay." April silently exploded. Her trembles became more like violent shivers. Dr. Craven met us on the floor and took her body in his arms to steady it. I felt sick.

"April…April…You can do this. Look at your husband, and tell him. Did you hurt Tenley, physically and on purpose, that night?"

"N-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o." She was still shaking and hiccuping. "He told me I didn't…" So why was she….

"April, do you ever remember an instance where you thought about, possibly hurting one of your children?" She nodded, tears streaming down her face. Oh. That's why.

"Did you ever act on those thoughts?"

"NO! NO! I promise, Jackson, no! I just…I spanked Arabella once, even though we both promised not to I…But it wasn't…nothing more, I swear!" I got up to sit on the couch, and she started shrieking.

"HE'S GONNA…HE'S GONNA LEAVE…"

"He's on the couch April. He's right on the couch. Go sit next to him if you want to."

She did. And offered her hand. I took it.

"Jackson, what are you feeling right now?"

"Sad. I feel sad. And ashamed."

"The shame. Talk about the shame. Tell her why you feel shame right now."

"I'm ashamed because obviously you don't feel safe, with me, if you feared telling me that much. I would've helped you, April. I swear. I would've helped you."

"Do you feel any anger, right now, Jackson?"

"Some, yes." April looked away from me.

"April, look at him. You're both doing so well today. You just got past something very hard. Look at him. He's here, and he wants to tell you why he's angry."

"I'm angry because you didn't tell me the day it happened, why you did it. Everyday, I came home and you pretended you had a wonderful day. You could've said 'Bellie wouldn't behave, tonight, and I got so overwhelmed,' and then we would've talked about it and it would've been over."

"But we had such a fight about discipline…"

"Yeah, because I didn't have a problem with spanking my kid every once in awhile and you did. So I respected your wishes. I would've understood. When did you start fearing me? Why do you think I'll leave you for not being perfect?"

"We'll get to those questions, Jackson. But right now, I'd like to know if what April just told you made you angry for any other reason?"

"You mean her thoughts? No. They're scary to think about, and it's just sad. But I'm not angry about thoughts that she fought against. I know who she is when she's…sane." I whispered the last word, and let it trail off.

"Ok. Good. That's good April, right?"

She nodded. "Thank you. I love you."

I couldn't right now. I just couldn't say it. "I'm here, April. I'm not evil."

"I don't…I never said…"

"Alright, guys. You just did great work. But we still have Jackson's childcare issue to think about. So…those are the reasons she doesn't want you to call her mother. What are your thoughts on them?"

"They're the same reasons I don't want to call my mother, to be honest. She's worried about being judged and I want to protect her from my mother's judgment. I know my mother. She will judge. But, her mother shouldn't…Karen wouldn't…April. No one is perfect. No family is. We have to stop pretending ours is. Both of us do. We have to ask people for help. We have to let people in. I'd rather start with Karen than Catherine. Please…April, I'm not the only person you need in your life right now. You need your mother. Please…Bird…"

"Fine. I will call her. Can it be me? I don't want her blaming…I don't want her to blame him for not…"

"It can be you, April. That's a big step. I'm proud of you for making that decision. That's all the time we have for today. But before you leave, April decided she wanted to call you once a day at a particular time. What time is best for you, Jackson? Just you, not the kids, yet."

"Ummm…like 11 at night, maybe…it might be hard with the baby but…" April looked down and nodded. "So me and you? At 11…tonight?"

"Me and you, at 11 tonight." She nodded and smiled. I kissed her cheek and left. She must've had individual therapy next because they stayed in the room. The thought of an hour and a half more therapy after that made my head spin. My wife was strong.

* * *

><p>"Hi, my name is Mary-Kate, and I'll be your server today. Can I start you off with something to drink?"<p>

"Hi Mary-Kate. I think I'll have an orange soda, please. Arabella, go ahead, tell Mary-Kate what you're having to drink." She giggled and blushed with excitement. "Go ahead, sweetheart, tell her."

"I'm allowed to have an or-ange soda 'acause to-day a special day wit my dad." She giggled again, smiling from ear-to-ear.

"Well, you are a lucky girl, that's for sure. Just give me a minute and I'll be right back with those."

"But dad, mom gon' be mad 'acause she say no soda allowed in my tummy."

"A little birdie told me she'd understand, because orange soda doesn't have caffeine in it."

A little birdie named April. We'd talked every day at 11 p.m. since Monday, and it'd been going well. She'd called Karen right after our talk and then Karen called me, and my girls were hugging their grandmother by Tuesday night. But she could only stay until the day after Tenley's birthday. About two weeks.

I already missed her. It had only been two days, but it was nice to know I was leaving the girls with someone they loved while I worked. I tried not to stay too late, though, to keep a normal routine at night. And I wouldn't let her get up with Adalaide at night. Still, it felt nice, getting work done and going to my Wednesday therapy session with April without feeling guilty that the girls were in day care.

"Dad, birdies don't talk."

"I know that sweetie. I'm just bein' silly."

"Dad, what's caf-ine?"

"It's a drug, but one that doesn't hurt you. And it's in some soda. And it makes little kids hyper so I think that's why mama didn't want to let you have it."

"It not gonna make me hyper, dad," she told me, as Mary-Kate put a plastic cup of orange soda in front of her.

"I know, because it's not in the orange kind, diva."

"Thank you so much, Mary-Kate."

"You're welcome so much…"

"My name's Arabella."

"Arabella. You are so welcome. That is such a pretty name."

"Thanks. My mom picked it out and my dad said that's pretty." Mary-Kate and I laughed. But I was proud that I had even a small hand in raising such a kind, respectful and smart little girl.

"Are you ready to order?"

"Can you just give us a few more minutes?"

"No problem."

"Hey, silly girl can you stop drinking a sec and look at me? Daddy has to tell you something." She was busy giggling about the sweet bubbles on her tongue.

"Oh no, are you gon' do askin' dad? That's so annoying!" Bellie blew bubbles with her straw.

"No no. Not right now. I just want to tell you that Grandma Karen's gonna pick you up from your last day of pre-school so daddy can take Tee out for a special day tomorrow, is that OK with you?" Pre-school drop-off and pick up was my thing. I dropped Bellie off before work yesterday, picked her up on my lunch hour, ate a quick lunch with the girls, and went back to work. I told her it would be our thing. I didn't want her to feel abandoned.

"Oh yeah, no big deal, dad. Why Tee didn't come to museum?"

"Daddy took two days off. One to spend with you, and one to spend with Tee because grandma's here."

"Oh, ok. Tee miss eberyone all day dad. She will like a special day."

"What do you mean?"

"Eberyday after you eat lunch wit us she say where's my mom where's my dad and I tells her and I say no big deal and she don't listen, she don't."

"Well, I'll try to help her understand, tomorrow." Bellie nodded her approval of my plan. "Daddy's sorry I missed your show, last week."

"Mommy put it on the bideo for you, dad. But then Tee dropped a plate and she gotted mad and she ripped it out, the bideo guts." Arabella laughed at her made up phrase, video guts. But each piece of new information I got about that day made me sick.

"I know, Bella. Hey let's pick our dinner so when Mary-Kate comes, we know what we want. Do you want chicken nuggets, a cheeseburger, a pizza, or grilled cheese?"

"Uhhhh…I want a grilled cheesy dad. I will tell her. But you didn't know about the bideo guts 'acause I jus' told you, dad. You wasn't there."

"You're right baby, I didn't know about the video camera, do you want to tell me what happened?"

Bellie shrugged. "Mama broked it and me and Tee and Brae sawed her."

Mary-Kate interrupted us. "What can I get for you guys?"

"I'll have a bacon cheeseburger, medium rare please?"

"I want a grilled cheesy, please!" Arabella announced, excited.

"Comin' right up, Arabella. Are fries OK with that, dad?"

"Absolutely," I said, handing over our menus.

"Dad member I was inside a bubble today?" Bellie laughed.

"Of course I remember, silly. I put you in there." We'd gone to the Seattle Children's Museum. Bellie had a blast becoming the girl in the bubble, doing the weather report on camera, and showing me all the body parts she knew on the human skeleton. "Hey Bellie, do you wanna tell me more about what happened to the video camera?"

"It go smash and then mom stepped on it and stepped on it and then she cleaned up da glass and then she tooked Tee into you room. They in there long time, mommy screamed sometime and I called you 'acause I need the Cheer-Os and I knows how dad. I knows."

"I know you know how to call me. You did so good baby, you saved your mommy."

"Someone was comin' to get her like she say?" Bellie's eyes widened.

"No, sweetie no one was comin'. Mommy needed to go rest and because you called daddy I came home and helped her."

"I know mama in the hosital wit doctors to help her rest 'acause she sick."

"Who told you that, Bellie?"

"Oh Tenley telled me, dad. 'Acause she went to hosital too."

"I know she went there, sweetie, what'd she tell you?"

"Nothin' else daddy. Look Mary-Kate hab my grilled cheesy." Mary-Kate came with our food. I filed what I'd learned in the back of my mind. I'd have to ask Tee about the hospital on our day.

"Hey Bellie, daddy has one more hard question for you and then no more all night, I promise," I said, when we were halfway through our meal. Bellie sighed, but looked up at me.

"Do you get in trouble a lot, from mommy?"

"Yeah dad, I naughty lotsa times," she laughed.

"That's not funny Arabella, it's not funny to be naughty."

"I know dad. I sorry. I try my best."

"Bellie, what happens when you're naughty and mommy's home?"

Bellie took a bite of a French fry and tilted her head, thinking. "I goes into time out for fibe minutes, not fair dad. I not eben fibe."

"You are almost five, Bellie. It's very fair. Just like Tee goes in for three minutes because she's almost three." I knew how the time out worked. "Was there ever a time when something else happened, not just a time out?" Bellie took a deep breath in, it was almost a gasp.

"Not tellin' dad. I not. That's a girls only."

"Remember Bellie, mommy said you shouldn't make the girls only anymore. You remember when we were having ice cream when mommy had Laidy in the pop she told you I'm the best secret keeper? She's right baby. I need you to tell me girls only."

Bellie took a big bite of grilled cheese. "One time I got outta the bathie 'acause I didn't want it and I runned all around and wouldn't let mommy catch me. And first she say 'Bellie come right now and after bathie no time out."

"And what happened?"

"I didn't come and mama say 'Ok diba, come now please? You have time out after, but I'm not mad, come on."

"And then?"

"I was naughty, dad." Arabella looked down, ashamed at the memory.

"I know, it doesn't make me happy but I'd like you to tell me what happened."

"I hided in the basement," Arabella whispered, not able to meet my eye. "And when mama found me she say strike three acause I made her tireder den baby Laidy dos. And she spanked my butt."

"What did she have in her hand, Bellie?"

"Nothin, she jus' hit it three times and I cried and then I went into the bathie and mommy cried when I gotted out and she say she sorry and gib hug and kissies and she say please don't be naughty Bellie, it makes me sad. So I tried dad. I tried. That's why she restin' Dad? 'Acause I too naughty?" She started to cry.

"No baby, it's not. Stop crying sweetie. Thank you for tellin' me. It just happened one time?"

Bellie nodded at the table. "Only one time dad, I promise."

"Hey shhh, no cryin' today Bellie. Today's a fun day. Look here comes Mary-Kate to check on us, how are you on orange soda Bellz? Should we ask for just one more cup?"

Bellie cracked a smile and looked at me, but was still whispering. "Yeah please. 'Acause to-day a special day, daddy."

"That's right, Arabella."

"Lader we get sperry ice cream 'cause I always get it wit you, dad?"

"Yeah if you can eat up all your food, we'll ask Mary-Kate for strawberry ice cream. You're silly, I know you can say strawberry, Bellie."

Bellie shrugged. "But I always say sperry for my whole life."

"You have, you're right."

"And no more askin' Dad? Whole night?"

"I promise. No more askin' the whole night."

And so my oldest daughter and I got some more orange soda, and ate up all our food. And then we got strawberry ice cream in waffle bowls and laughed because I was too tall to fit inside the bubble today, and I kept getting stuck in the obstacle course. And we left Mary Kate a "Big thank you" at Bellie's request, because she gave us soda. Bellie requested to leave the restaurant on my shoulders.

"Daddy, look at all the stars so close to me."

I couldn't help but laugh. "So close, Arabella."

"Mama likesa look at stars always."

"I know she does baby." It was a lie. The truth was, I used to know she loved to look at stars. I'd forgotten.

"You think mama can see these same ones, dad? Where she's restin'?"

"I know she's looking right now, baby. I know she's looking at the same ones."

"You think she miss me same like I miss her?"

"Yeah. I know she does, even more than you do." It was only half a lie. The only child she'd asked for by name was Tenley.

"I had a fun day, dad. But I can't wait for my mom to come home from her restin'."

"I had fun too, sweetie. But I miss your mama too." Even though I'd visited every day since Monday, therapy or not, keeping my promise; even though I spoke to her every night, it was the truth.


	7. Chapter 6: Tapes

**Happy Day After Halloween, everyone! I just write this as it comes to me, and it's been coming pretty quickly. I hardly ever just sit on a chapter, either. It pretty much goes up as soon as I'm done. Anyway, I guess this chapter is a little bit more "M" than others, so I wanted to warn about that. Also, I almost did the whole thing from April's POV but then decided not to. I structured it a little differently though, so there's a lot more of April's POV in here than any other chapter. Also, I got this question I really wanted to clear up! April had Postpartum Depression/a psychotic episode and issues that will come up. They are complicated. But she loves every single one of her children, equally but for different reasons. Tenley is just the most like her so they've always been very close. **

* * *

><p>"I want to see my babies."<p>

"No." I said, arms crossed, my back against the arm of the couch furthest from her.

"Dr. Craven said I could. He said I was ready one at a time and…"

"No."

"Jackson, I didn't smash the camera. I ruined the tapes. The two tapes. Not Harper's surgeries, I swear. She was confused or something…she's a little girl. I didn't break the camera."

"Guys, what's wrong? Monday and Wednesday you made such progress. It's Tenley's day with Jackson so we're meeting early and I thought we would maybe end early so…" Dr. Craven sat in his chair, looking perplexed.

"He's mad at me because that night, I smashed a tape of Arabella's graduation show and…" I gave her the look. The one that said to shut up. I didn't use it as a threat, exactly, just to let her know I'd rather she be quiet. She usually listened. She was a traditionalist when it came to the vow she took to "obey" me, even though I told her I thought that was ridiculous.

"Alright, let's back up, what started this?"

"Last night, during our talk. He told me he was mad because I ruined Arabella's graduation tape."

"And, did you follow the rules we set up for the calls?"

"Kind of. I mean, I didn't ask questions about that. I told him about my day and he told me about his but…"

"But…"

"But I hung up early, I was upset. I didn't stay on for 15 minutes." I rolled my eyes.

"And now he doesn't want me to see the girls yet, doctor, he's not being fair." She started crying, but I was out of sympathy, today.

"How did you find out she smashed the tapes, Jackson?"

"My daughter told me."

"And why did that make you so angry?"

"Because now I don't know when she snapped. Smashing those tapes seems pretty intentional to me."

"You guys keep saying tapes, there's two?"

April looked to me for help, but I wasn't going to give it. If she was going to go there, she was going alone. "The night before I…We had a fight about Bellie's graduation show and then we…he got out his video camera to show me how to use it and we had sex and we…we made a tape…" I put my head in my hands. I couldn't believe she went there.

"Alright, so there's a lot going on here. April, why don't you start at the beginning, start from the fight and tell us what you were feeling as best you can, through all of it, April."

"He came home, and I reminded him about Bellie's graduation show, but he'd forgotten and it was his 'surgery day', " She huffed and put "surgery day" in air quotes, but told her story.

_"I can't April, I have surgeries scheduled."_

_ "Jackson, this is why I told you two months ago. Two months. I was pregnant when I asked you to take off." _

_ "I'm sorry, babe. I forgot." _

_ "Or you just don't care."_

_ "Hey, don't make me feel like a bad dad. I wish I could babe, really." _

_ "Oh 'cause wishing makes you a good dad." _

_ "April, Love!" _

_ "Don't try to make me feel bad to excuse yourself. What makes you a good dad?""_

_ "I provide for my family and I love my children and I'm there. I'm there for them."_

_ "There for them? You know what Bellie's going to ask me tomorrow? She's going to say 'Where's my daddy, he's my best friend.' What am I supposed to say to that? 'Oh, he's there for you, baby. He's making a rich bitch's ass smaller. But he's there for you.' Jackson, this is the first time I'm taking the baby out. You were supposed to help. _

_ "Babe. I'm sorry. You're super mom, you'll do it." _

_ "Jackson, just because you make the money doesn't mean you get a pass." _

_ "That's a low blow April…come on," he held me. He tried to hold me and whisper in my ear. I pulled away. _

_ "No. No. FUCK YOU. Fuck you. You don't get to hold me and whisper to make it better tonight." _

_ I ran into my room, threw my head into a pillow, and cried. But he came to me, 15 minutes later, with the camera in his hand. "Hey babe. Babe, I hear you. I hear you and I found something to help us out, just for this one time. Then the next recital, I'm there right next to you, throwing roses on to the stage." I didn't tell him that I cancelled dance classes._

"You cancelled their dance lessons? But they love that, why?"

"Don't make me feel guilty for trying to do what I could to raise four kids and keep myself sane. I know I failed, Jackson, But I was trying."

"Go on, April, finish your story."

_"What's that?" _

_ "Well see, in the old days, like the 90s, they had these things called video cameras…you put tapes in them to record hours and hours of memories. You weren't the mercy of a cell phone's battery life." _

_ "Ha. Ha. Ha." I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and he kissed me. _

_ "Babe, I'm sorry. I'll do better. I'll be better from now on. But for tomorrow, can I just teach you how to use this so I don't miss one second? And then, I'll be better, I swear." _

_ "Oh, you're gonna teach me, huh?" _

_ "Yeah, babe, I'm gonna teach you how to do close ups on all the pretty faces," he zoomed in on my face and I blushed, placing my palm over it. "And zoom out so I can see the scenery." He zoomed out and I knew my entire body was in his viewfinder right at that moment. _

_ "Babe, stop! You're being so cheesy right now."_

_ "It's a new tape, babe. I think you should show me how you use the toys I bought you for when I'm away on business trips…" _

"STOP!" STOP. We made a sex tape….that's our business, plus it's destroyed now so it doesn't even matter."

"Does it matter to you, April?" the doctor asked her, concerned. "Does what was on that tape matter to you?" She nodded, and then gasped, surprised at her own reaction.

_"I don't use those babe. I only want you to make me come. No one else. Nothing else." _

_ "Mmmm…that's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me, April…Are you ready? Are you ready to come again? I'll be right here, watching. Show me. I want you to show me what you would do if I was gone and you just couldn't contain yourself." _

"So, this was your first time after the baby?" She nodded and the doctor motioned for her to continue.

"So I did it. I let him film me while I…even though I don't believe that anything should make me…Except him…"

"Wait, wait. Stop! Don't make this seem like it wasn't consensual, like I raped you or something…Like you weren't enjoying everything we did on that…"

"I did. I was. But that doesn't mean…it felt…"

"Oh and what usually happens when it doesn't feel right? When you TELL me you want to stop? Do you think I would force you to give me a blowjob while I filmed you if you weren't smiling all the way through it?"

"Jackson, that doesn't mean I…Sometimes I do things to make you…and I like them and I want to but sometimes, the main reason I do things in bed is to please you…And that's my choice, but…"

"I can't sit here and listen to this much longer. All she had to do, any time she felt that way was say no…I can't listen to her essentially accuse me of abuse or whatever, throughout our whole marriage when she never said no…"

She started to cry again. "I wasn't accusing you of abuse I…"

"Alright, April. Just tell the story. Just get the story out."

_So we made the tape and, even though I was uncomfortable at first, I liked it after awhile it was fun and I felt proud of myself that even after four kids he wanted me…_

"Why do you think we have four babies under five in the first place? Not because I find you repulsive…"

"Jackson, now you are just being hurtful for the sake of it…Go on, April."

_And I fell asleep thinking he would try, from that point forward. And also worried I might be pregnant because we didn't use..._

"Oh God, what if I'm…"

"We'll take your blood and worry about it then, if we need to, right? One step at a time, April."

_And so…I woke up fragile but hopeful and then he…he wasn't in bed, or at home, and he didn't leave a note or a flower or… _

"I forgot, Love. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forgot."

"He always leaves me a note or a flower or he's in bed next to me or helping with the girls, after we have sex. I always hear his voice or know he's missing me or…He's never forgotten, in over five years…Never…"

"Alright, so you were a little extra shaken…"

_But I called him, and I had my coffee. He didn't answer. I got the girls ready and even though Braelyn had a fit, we got through it. _

_We got to the show and we sat down and Tee and Brae were good, and the baby slept…and I was very comfortable using the video camera. But then it ended. And all the little girls ran to their daddies and they got flowers and hugs and I realized that I should've gotten her flowers, and told her they were from her dad. _

_But instead I said, "Mommy's sorry, baby. I forgot your flowers."_

_And our sweet diva said "That's OK, mom. I don't eben like them. They smell gross."_

_And then she looked around and saw her friend Anna with her daddy and she said "Where's my dad?" I told her and she nodded and sighed. And I wiped a tear from my eye before she could see it. _

_ And I watched the dad's helping their kids with their coats and backpacks, and admiring art work and my girl, she said, "Mama, can we please go get pizza for a celebrate?'"_

_ I thought about it. I really did. I wanted to say yes. But I had four car seats to load and unload and load again. And she always fought about the soda, always. And I didn't want them having any sugar that day, and I couldn't fight, and I started getting dizzy and overwhelmed and so I said "Not today, but me and Bellie and daddy will have a special pizza party soon, the three of us."_

_I knew it was a lie and my head was pounding, and I had to take deep breaths on the ride home, thinking of all the kids with their dad's celebrating at the pizza place. And the mom's with the help and…_

"I'm starting to feel attacked here. I'm not against pizza parties. That can happen, still. And if I had known…"

"Damnit Jackson, just feel attacked for a few minutes and be quiet."

"I guess I'm not as good at quiet as you are."

"This story will get told in full, today. I have all day. Jackson, you don't." Dr. Craven really knew how to stare a man down.

_And so I got home and my head was throbbing, but I changed the…_

"Oh this is ridiculous, now…say her name. SAY IT! ASK FOR YOUR CHILDREN BY NAME AND MAYBE I'LL LET YOU SEE THEM!"

_The baby. I fed her and changed her and put her in the carrier next to Bellie and I told them mommy had a headache…The next thing I remember is hearing the glass break…and I remember going to the video camera and taking out the tape of Bellie's show and I think before I left the room I took the other tape off of the bedside table…I remember that I just smashed the tapes and ripped the film out but then everything gets….I don't remember cleaning up the glass. And if you didn't see the destroyed tapes in the living room then Arabella must have…But I don't know. I don't remember…_

* * *

><p>She'd been holding it together to tell the story, but when it was over, she fell apart. She slid off of the couch and did the rocking back and forth thing and I knew I was expected to go to her but I just, didn't want to. I could've. I just didn't want to.<p>

Dr. Craven eyed me, but I guess he considered me just staying a victory because he got on the floor with her. "Good job, April. Very good job acknowledging your baby girl, and explaining all the complicated emotions you felt after the fight and the sex and not having Jackson there at the show when he was all you and the girls wanted. Very good work."

I scoffed. "A week later, thanks so much."

"Jackson, I sat in our bed with your daughter, put her hand over mine and slid a piece of glass over my thighs multiple times as she watched and….this is what you're, you're madder about this?"

"Not madder…April…I don't even know. You can't even say your daughter's name. You knew all of that for a whole week and you've been acting like…" I felt my eyebrow twitch like it does when I'm stressed.

"I have not been acting! Don't you dare insinuate that…"

"Jackson, we've been doing a lot of hypnotherapy outside of couples sessions to help April access emotions and memories and confront behaviors so don't disregard her progress…"

"Great, just great…thanks for keeping me updated on all that progress."

"She's telling you in her own time and she's doing very well. So why don't we focus on you for a while, so you both feel comfortable with April seeing the children. That's what you want, yes?"

"Of course. Of course I want to feel comfortable with you seeing the kids, April. But you can't…you can't say her name." I looked at my feet.

"And before last night, before the video tapes came to your attention, you were fine with that? Even though she hadn't said the baby's name?"

"Yes but…"

"It's just his stupid pride. He's mad about the sex stuff."

I ignored her accusation. "That morning, after Braelyn's fit, did you call me?"

"No, what are you gonna do, when you're at work? Yell at your 17-month-old from the operating room?"

"When you wished I was there, at the school, when Bellie asked to have pizza did you call to see if I was on a lunch break?"

"Did _you _call your daughter to see how her show went on the lunch hour that you obviously had free if you're mad I didn't call you during it?"

"We've established that April doesn't ask for help, and you aren't the best at giving it if she doesn't ask. So, we're here, because of that. You're here with me. What else made you mad?"

"The sex thing. Made me a little mad." I mumbled, embarrassed to admit she was right. "It was good, she was having fun. After she got over the awkwardness, she was having fun. And then she comes in here and makes it sound like borderline rape."

"Have you ever done anything for April that made you feel uncomfortable?"

"Yes. Church. I take my family to church."

"You're taking them to church Sundays?" Her eyes softened and suddenly her hand was between us.

"No, no. I don't feel comfortable taking them alone." And the hand returned to the lap, just like that. "I'm the one parenting right now and…I feel like a break is good…But I…I pray with them every night. That's very uncomfortable. But, they're teaching me. I say it and everything."

"You say their prayers with them?" And there was the hand again.

"Yup. Yup. That's weird."

"Is it as weird now as it was the first time?"

"What? No. I guess, I guess not."

"What else, what else have you done for your wife, Jackson? I know we've been hard on you today, I know you've done a lot of things that felt uncomfortable to you, for your wife."

"Umm well…to get her in the first place, I had to stand up at her wedding to Matthew. That was awkward."

"Are you happy, though? Are you happy you stood up?"

"Of course. She gave me my family. She gave me everything when she took my hand and walked out of that church, without a word…without even too much hesitation. You gave me everything, April." I turned to her and brushed the hair out of her eyes, really looking at her for the first time that day.

"So, you understand, then…how something that feels uncomfortable at first can turn out to be amazing?"

"Yeah. I get it. I do. I get it."

"Jackson, all I meant was…It was weird for me at first and I don't know if I want to do that again. And we probably shouldn'tve been doing anything…"

I threw up my hands in frustration. "I hated it. I liked it. We should never have done it. Geez, make up your mind."

April bit her lip. "We…you use sex to avoid our issues. You totally just came in there with that video camera and your apologies and your sexy eyes and you had no intention of fixing anything. Of listening to me…"

"April, I really don't have time for this. I have reservations for something with Tee at 10 and…I really can't…honestly, this is a huge conversation I can't have with you right now."

April turned away from me, trying to hide the tears in her eyes. "OK, in all fairness our time is almost up and he did warn us, April. He is picking a very convenient time to leave but he is not walking away from it completely. We'll have this talk."

"Wait, but…"

"Oh, right. Jackson, the girls. I really think it'd be great for her to see them, soon. Supervised, of course. You will be there."

I stood up and walked toward thee door without a word. April ran after me, tears streaming down her face. "Jackson, please. Please don't leave me right now. Just tell me what I need to do. Please! Just tell me what I need to do to see my babies! Please!" She grabbed my wrist and begged me with her eyes.

"Say their names. Your daughters. What are their names?"

"What?" She whispered, looking down at the floor, hand still on my wrist.

"I can pull away, April. And I have to go, now."

"Arabella Catherine," she said it loud, almost screaming at me. "Tenley Justine." A little bit softer. "Braelyn Audrey." Softer, still. She looked down at the floor. Then up at me. And down again, and up, and down. And I ripped my wrist from her grip and took a step away before I heard her whisper, barely audibly, "Adalaide Reese."

I looked into her eyes and gave her a small nod, but walked out the door and to the elevator without a word. I was late for a date with my daughter.


	8. Chapter 7: Smiles

**Hello! There is sadness here but I hope you also see the progress...dare I even say happiness? Hope you enjoy. And review. Those make me smile :) It is VERY based off of the first (and only, I think) Tenley story I did on Tumblr, but it is expanded, obviously. **

* * *

><p>"Mix the batter, angel! I know you can do it."<p>

She looked at me nervously with those green eyes, one of the very few things she inherited from me. "Oh no, dad, mama dos this." Her tone was soft, matter of fact, and it broke my heart.

"I've seen you mixing cupcake batter Ten, go ahead so we can put it in the cups and Miss Marlane can bake them. Daddy will help, here. Put your hand on top of mine, you gotta show me what to do, Tee, daddy 's never baked before. Only with you." She smiled, but didn't say anything. We were at Miss Marlane's Cupcakery getting a baking lesson.

I knew Tenley loved to bake, so I thought this would be fun. I didn't think it through enough. She bakes with her mommy. They are best friends. April is probably all Tenley was thinking about. Daddy messed up, again.

Her third birthday is next week, but April won't be there. That kills me, but I'm sure it hurts April more. Although she made strides today, acknowledging Adelaide, and she can talk about the others, Tenley is the only one she inquires about. The only one.

That's part of the reason why I was hesitant about the visiting in therapy that morning. Why, even though she'd said Adelaide's name, I was still hesitant. Because on the phone, or when I visited this week, the only child she asked for was "sweet Tenley." I understood, as much as I could, why that might be, but it worried me.

We mixed the batter and poured the cupcakes in the cups together. Tenley doesn't spill one bit of batter. "These look perfect, Tenley," Miss Marlane came and took our tray from us, and Tee smiled, but I thought I saw a tear fall into one of the cups before she took them away. I hoped was my imagination.

Tenley and Bellie know their mother is in the hospital. I didn't think they did, but my daughters are very mature for their ages. I should've given them more credit. Tenley knew, but still asked where her mom was, and always ran to the bedroom, just to check, in case I was wrong.

I'm trying to take care of Tenley. But I'm failing, everyday. I've been failing for a whole year; just by letting the nightmare get to the point where I had to rip her from her mother's arms.

_I got them in the car, and thankfully was able to convince Tee just to hold April's hand from her car seat. I didn't want to have to rely on April to hold her steady in the car. I didn't know who this woman was, whom I was carrying to my car, but she wasn't my wife. _

"_Dad, where we goin'? Is they comin' to get us?" _

_Who? Who did she think was coming to get her? It was all I wanted to know, as I sat at another red light, drumming my fingers against the steering wheel in frustration. "We are going to get mommy help for her booboos. Who do you think is comin'? No one is coming." _

"_I broked a plate. They comin' a take me away 'acause I broked a plate an made a mess." _

"_No, baby. It was an accident. No one is coming." I pulled into my spot and ran around the side of the car, to get Tenley out. As soon as I unstrapped her, she clung to April again. I didn't fight it, just wanting to get them inside. _

_Dr. Kerrigan was the doctor on call. "My wife is, she's in the middle of a psychotic episode, she was hallucinating, before. I don't know what's going on at the moment, she hasn't spoken in awhile." Her eyes were wide, empty. She looked permanently petrified. "Lacerations on her thighs, I think that's it. Pretty nasty but not life threatening. I'm the plastic surgeon on call but you might want to…" _

"_Dr. Avery, we'll handle it. Here. Let's get her in a wheelchair and we'll take a look at your daughter, too…but…" _

"_Tee, Mama's gonna get help for her booboos right now. Time to let go, OK? We have to let Dr. Kerrigan help her." I whispered in my daughter's ear, trying to ever so slowly pull her away, but as soon as I'd gone too far they both started screaming, crying, clinging tighter. _

_The whole ER froze, and Meredith Grey met my eyes for two seconds. "Tenley, I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. But you have to let go now. April, look at me." I knelt down to meet her eyes, but they were still empty. "April, you have to let go." _

_Something in April gave up, but I don't think my words were registering, she was screaming as she let go. Tenley was still attached. I had to pry her tiny little fingers off of April's neck slowly, almost one purple-painted fingernail at a time. _

_When she was in my arms, she didn't fight me. She just began to wail harder. "I'll be back, April. I'm not leaving you. I won't leave you." _ _It was the last time I'd see her, that night. _

_But my main focus was Tenley. "Dadd-ddy I-I have to make pee pee." She stuttered, between sobs. _

"_Ok, Ok we're going right now. We're gonna go by daddy's office. " I began walking, quickly, out of the ER._

"_Dr. Avery! We have to examine your daughter!" I heard Dr. Kerrigan call after me, but ignored her. _

"_Jackson! You know she has to be looked at!" Meredith. _

"_Mer, we're just going to the potty. We're almost done potty training and we just need a little break, right?" Tee nodded into my neck, clinging tightly._

_It was selfish. There were bathrooms I could get to quicker. But I craved the silence of the elevator. "Shhh, you're such a good girl. You're safe baby. We're gonna go use the bathroom and then daddy's gonna check you for booboos, OK?"_

"_Ony mommy haves booboos, not me. Mommy haves lotta booboos, dad." _

"_Yeah, I know baby. The doctors will make her all better soon." _

"_Tee, did you eat breakfast, today?" I asked, as we made our way back to the ER. I was trying to figure out how long she'd been locked in my room. She hadn't had an accident, but from what she told me, her body seemed to be frozen fear of making any type of mess before she reached my arms. _

"_Have a toast and a fruit 'afore see Bellie singin." _

"_And then what, sweetie?"_

"_Den I dropped a plate afore eatin' pea butter." She hadn't eaten since this morning. _

_I made a beeline for the vending machines. I was thankful I'd left my wallet in my office earlier and grabbed it before we came downstairs. The only thing I'd thought to take out of the house besides my keys, April and Tenley was a random sweatshirt. _

"_I'm gonna get you some pretzels for while I check your booboos and then I probably have to do some paperwork upstairs, but after that daddy and Tee are gonna go to the diner and eat whatever we want." _

"_I don't haves booboos, my dad!" _

"_Ok baby I believe you. But I just want to see for myself, OK? Let's go check you out." _

* * *

><p>"Now we put them in the oven," miss Marlane said, and Tenley jumped off my lap. I followed, concerned.<p>

"Tee, that's hot, we don't go near…" But she stayed far away until Miss Marlane shut the oven door.

"Tenley do?" she asked before Marlane could push the timer.

"Sure, can you push the 1 and the 4?"

Tenley shook her head vigorously. "No. One, three."

Miss Marlane chuckled, allowing it. "We have a very picky baker on our hands here, huh dad? You weren't kidding."

"Nope, she knows what she's doing, don't you sweet Tee?" I wondered exactly how many times she'd done this with her mother. 20? 30? 50? More? April baked a lot. I never considered it a problem until now. How many batches were thrown out because of imperfections? How many times has she pushed the 1 and the 3 on our oven timer? I knew there was something else wrong with my wife. Something she and Dr. Craven were keeping from me. Something, that had somehow affected my sweet baby Tenley. It was becoming clearer, as I watched her today. This was a very bad idea. But I couldn't put my finger on what was going on, exactly.

Tenley nodded as I took her back to the table to wait. Miss Marlane usually had other cupcakes made and ready to decorate, but Tenley was a professional. We wait to decorate our own batch. "Hey Tenley, where do you want to go, after this? Daddy's going to hang out with you all day. You want to go to the park?"

"My Mommy cuppie," she said, and I hated myself for a second.

"We can't bring mommy a cuppie, she's away, resting."

She rested her head on my chest, sad. I kiss her chestnut brown hair, the same color as her mom's, before she dyed it. I wondered what Bellie's reaction would be, if she didn't understand well enough. She'd probably have punched me so many times in the stomach, by this point that I'd have a black and blue. Tenley just always wanted a hug. I've never hugged her as much as I have this week.

"_Jackson, let me check her for you, you can stay right there, you can watch." Meredith pleaded with me, but I ignored her, placing my stethoscope to the middle of Tenley's back. "Breathe in sweet girl, take a big deep breath in." Tenley listened to me, but Meredith got pissed off, and lunged forward with the blood pressure cuff. Tenley started to scream. _

"_Mer, come on…you can watch me. You have no idea what…I have no idea what she's been through, just…" I picked my daughter up, hugging her tightly. "Ok baby girl…just daddy's gonna touch you, just daddy but you have to be a big girl and do what I ask, OK?" She nodded and I put her back on the table to continue the examination. "Open wide, day ahhhh…" _

* * *

><p>Miss Marlene brought us coloring books while we waited, and Tenley's face genuinely lit up. "Princessies!" It was a Disney princess coloring book. I breathed a sigh of relief, because she was happy, and also because I had an idea for her party, finally.<p>

"Tenley Justine, who is your favorite princess?"

"Oh, Arelle, dad! We go see Arelle, pease?"

"Ariel lives far away, baby, but maybe one day. Can I color with you, the same page?" Once we get through this, we're going to Disneyland. If we get through this.

"Yes dad. Right colors, pease. Not like Bellie."

"You got it, girlie. What does she, mess up your coloring pages?"

Tenley shrugged. "Sometime she color Arelle geen, on hers. Not nice."

"Yeah, sometimes she's silly, right?"

Tenley laughed. "She let me wears tutu. Us dancies." Every time one of them told me something they did by themselves, it was like a knife in my heart. There's nothing I can do to make up for it, and all my attempts keep failing, anyway. Then I got an idea.

"Hey, you wanna go visit where Ariel's friends live, today, sweetie?" The aquarium, we could go to the aquarium.

Her green eyes widened with excitement. "Pease, yes dad. Pease my mom come?"

"No sweetheart, she can't. I'm sorry, love."

"My mom jus' tired. She take nap in car."

I sighed. This was getting frustrating, and it had only been a week. April was fragile. Of course. How did I not see this coming? I was getting frustrated after only a week. "I have to make a phone call, Tee. Daddy will be right back." I set her on the chair next to me, but she jumped down and grabbed my leg. I wished I could pick her up. But she couldn't hear this conversation.

Marlene came to help, convincing Tenley to come help her countdown the last minute before the cupcakes come out of the oven. "I will be right by the window, angel. I'm coming right back."

The fresh air calmed me and I positioned myself in front of the Miss Marlene's window, purposefully waving at her as I paced. I wanted to help her. I wished I could help her understand. But I think, her mom might be the only one who can do it. She's the one who had cleaned the scrapes, kissed the boo boos, shooed the monsters from under the bed. Maybe she's the only one who can help, now.

I'm not a bad father. I read bedtime stories; tuck her in at night, when I'm home. When she and Bellie were little, I spent days with them while April worked. I punish my kids when they're bad. The most discipline Tenley needed was occasional reminder. Though she'd been acting up a little bit, this week. I'm their father, but I should've been trying harder, been there more.

I dialed Dr. Craven. "How ready do you think she is, really?" I didn't even bother with hello.

"I wouldn't tell you she was if I didn't think so. I wouldn't tell her she was if she wasn't."

"I still don't know if….but Tenley needs to…she needs her."

"What is holding you back? What specifically is scaring you…"

"The baby. She said her name, but…I just don't understand what happened…how could she…she breast fed all of the other girls and, with Laidy she just…gave up and…I saw that there was less of a connection. But what, what happened? Why?"

"I'll put it in my notes that you want to talk about Adalaide on Monday. We can try. We can talk about things that you want to talk about as well, Jackson. It's your therapy too. But, what are you thinking of doing, right now? Bringing Adalaide?"

"No. No. Bringing Tenley for a while. As long as you say she can handle."

"I think she can handle a lunch. Like an hour. I can meet you at one. I will prep April, but you should tell Tee as well. Prep her. Have her call April, maybe. So the initial first few minutes aren't too overwhelming. But I think this is good. It's the right step Jackson. She will feel good, helping you co-parent again."

* * *

><p>"My daddy like a sperry frost," She nodded at Miss Marlene, sure she was right. I kissed the back of her head and she smiled, quickly climbing back on my lap.<p>

"And what does Tenley like?" Miss Marlene asked the room. I wished I could've answered definitively. "My baby girl likes chocolate." But I had no idea what Tenley's favorite frosting was. She answered fast, saving me before the adult in the room noticed my hesitation. "I like a keem cheese frost."

"Woow, sweetie you know that one? I don't know if Miss Marlene…."

"Of course I have it, dad, what cupcake baker doesn't have it, right, Tee?"

Tenley giggled as I tickled her. "Yeah, oh corse." We went through everyone else we're making a cuppie for. "Bellie like a sperry frost like dad, Braelyn like a choco frost," We didn't know what Grandma Karen liked; we decided to give her cream cheese, like Tee. "Baby Laidy too liddle."

"Lady, that's a pretty name."

Tenley laughed. "Her name be Adalaide, Laidy for short."

"Oh, that's so pretty."

"My mommy like a nilla frost," Tenley said, without being prompted. "She just restin'." I didn't stop Marlene from taking out the vanilla frosting.

Once we decided what flavor to frost all the cupcakes, we started. Tenley was great at it, guiding my hand and the knife in a circular motion. She knew just the right amount of frosting to use, every time. "Bees careful, dad," she said, a few times, when I almost messed up. For the millionth time that morning, I realized how hard this must be for her.

We were up to mine, and I had an idea. I handed Tenley a plastic knife. "I want Tenley to make mine, and I will make yours, OK? Do whatever you want, not perfect. And remember, you're only using this knife because it's a kid one." Tenley nodded.

"Want mine bees pretty, pease, dad."

"OK, I'll make it pretty. Trust me."

"Trus." She nodded, frosting my cupcake in a circular motion. I snuck my finger in the frosting, then dabbed a glob on her nose.

"Dat not nice, my dad." She wiped it off with her finger, considered it, then put it in her mouth, smiling. "No play wif food."

"Oh come on girlie, sometimes its fun to play with food, try it, once." Hesitantly, she took some strawberry frosting and smeared it on my face. Seeing how silly I looked, Tenley let out the loudest giggle of the week so far, and went in again, leaving a glob on my nose.

"Dat fun, I nevee do that afore."

"Sometimes, sometimes you can do that. Today's a special day Tenley girl. We're gonna do whatever we want."

"Whatevee we want." I let her lick frosting off of my finger and smiled. I had finally made my daughter truly happy.

"_We're going to get some pizza on a bagel, have you ever had one, Tee?" We were sitting in a corner booth in the back of the local diner. I had purposefully asked that we sit as far away from others as possible. We needed quiet. It was 10 p.m., early for me, and way past Tenley's bedtime. Both of us were exhausted, but she needed to eat. I was finally going to feed her._

_She shook her head no, from her spot in the middle of my lap, but didn't say a word. "Well they are yummy. So yummy. And what else do you want, baby? Chicken nuggies, French fries? A hamburger?" I'd buy her the whole menu if she wanted it. _

"_French fry pease." _

"_You got it." _

"_I want a juice, pease?" She looked up at me, for approval, as if I would say no to anything she asked for, in that moment. _

"_OK, we'll get you some fruit punch but you need to drink this water too, promise? It would make daddy so happy." _

"_OK," she said, and took a big sip from the big girl cup in front of us. I kissed her. "We needs a vegeble," she said, seriously, after she swallowed. _

"_You're probably right, which one is your favorite?" _

"_Geen beans, my dad." _

"_No way! Those are my favorite too, did you know that?" _

"_No." She smiled. It was a small smile. Barely a smile, really. And just as fast as it appeared, it went away. I wondered if she was reliving a horrible moment from her evening. _

_After I examined her and found out that she didn't have any booboos, just like she said, I left her at the nurses' station and filled out the paperwork to admit April. It wasn't a 5150. I didn't want her held for 72 hours in confinement against her will. But I definitely wanted her there. _

_I didn't go to April, when the paperwork was done. They said she was awake, but not in her right mind. And after I'd learned Tenley hadn't eaten for about 12 hours, my only concern was getting her fed. And sitting in the diner booth, waiting for our huge order to come in (I'd gotten some chicken nuggets for her, just in case, and a cheeseburger for me, just in case), my only concern was getting her to truly smile, just once._

"_You know how much I love you, right, sweet girl?" She shook her head no and I felt my heart drop. _

"_To the moon? My mommy love me to da moon." _

"_Yeah, I love you to the moon and back, never forget that, OK? Your daddy loves you to the moon." _

"_Ok. When my mommy comin' back?" _

_I kissed her cheek, thankful the waitress came with our order, interrupting. "You guys were hungry, huh?" _

_Tenley nodded seriously. "Berry hungee." _

_I smiled.. "We've had a long night." _

_We split a pizza bagel. Those other orders were a good idea, too, because the only thing left in front of us when we were finished were half a plate of green beans and some French fries. _

"_Hey Tee, you want a cuppie?" I asked eyes wide. I was still trying for a real smile. Even as she was filling her tummy up, I couldn't get her to laugh at my jokes. _

_She shook her head. "No cuppie. Hot choco." _

"_OK, hot chocolate, with lots of marshmallows, and how about we share a chocolate chip cookie?" _

"_Yeah, I you cookie monter." She kissed my cheek, and her eyes brightened, but still no smile. _

_ I ordered, and we took a potty break. We came back to a huge chocolate chip cookie on our table. _

_ She drank her cocoa, and ate the cookie. She even told me how yummy it was a few times, but there was no huge smile, no big laugh. Thankfully, she fell asleep on the ride home. I'd felt a little guilty for giving her sugar that late, and was worried she'd have trouble sleeping. But her day hadn't left her with enough energy for a restless night, it seemed. _

* * *

><p>We finished frosting our cupcakes, and decorated them with candy, and the letters of people's names. We decided on an "M" for mommy. When we finish, Tenley insisted we help miss Marlane clean before we left, and we packed up our cupcakes to go.<p>

"Hey, Ten, I need to talk to you, OK? I need you to listen, carefully, promise?"

She nodded her head, staring at me intently with those big eyes. "Tenley listen careful."

"We made a cupcake for mommy, right?"

She smiled. "Yeah, for my mommy. A 'nilla frost. "

"Well, she's not going to be home to eat it, because she's resting right?"

"Yeah, she restin'." She looked down. Her sadness was as sudden as her smile, a second before.

"Look at me baby, remember listen carefully."

She looked up again. "Sorry. I listenin'."

"We're gonna go visit mommy where she's resting, to give her the cupcake and eat lunch. But only for a very little bit, OK? And she can't come home with us. Or go see Ariel's friends, she has to stay." She was smiling again until that last part, and I wondered for the millionth time that day if this is a good choice. But the doctor said it was. And that it was good for her to explain this to Tee, to help me co-parent. Conveniently, Tenley was also the best child to do this with, first. She did not demand as much attention as Arabella and Braelyn. And April was having a very hard time dealing with Adalaide. Tenley and April needed each other right now. "What did I just say, how long are we going for?"

"Not long time."

"What happens after we visit?"

"Jus' my daddy and me go to visit Arelle friends."

"Good girl. We're just gonna go eat a sandwich and cuppie with mommy." I hoped this would work. I needed it to work. "Alright, Tee. We're gonna go pick up sandwiches now." Also, I knew I had some "Please forgive me, I messed up" roses to purchase. "Do you want to call mommy and ask what she wants, can you do that for me?"

"Yeah!" Whoa, I officially knew how to make Tenley jump out of her skin with excitement. There was now a huge smile on her face and she would not sit still. But I should've expected this.

"Relax, baby! Calm down." I dialed April. "You have to let daddy talk first."

"Hello?" Tenley could not contain a giggle when she heard her mom's voice. "Hi sweetheart, I'm going to come to you for lunch with a special visitor, and she wants to ask you a question."

"Hi, my mom!" I knew April had been prepared, but I heard her breath catch on the other end of the phone hearing Tenley's voice.

"Hi my girl, how are you?"

"I misses you but I gon' bring you a sandwich. You wantsa turkey or a pea butter? What you wants?"

"Silly girl, there's no peanut butter where we are going. Ask mom if she wants a roast beef. I think that's her favorite." Her secret favorite, sometimes. On dates when we were away from the kids, to treat herself. When we used to date. I even remembered how she ordered it.

"Is that you fave? What my dad said?"

April laughed. "Yeah, that's my fave, baby."

"What else you wants? Cheesy and 'tato chips?"

"Yeah, sure baby. Ask daddy if he remembers what I like on it. That way you don't have to remember."

"You members?" Tenley looked at me.

"I do. Say bye now so we can go get it fast."

"Bye mama."

"Bye Tenley."

"Mom! Don't go!"

"What baby, I'm here."

"I love you."

"I love you too, angel. Hang up now so you can get here fast." She listened to her mama.

* * *

><p>"Why I no giving da flowers?"<p>

"Because you brought the food and the cuppies, Tee. And daddy needs to say sorry. Get that passi outta your mouth. You want mom to understand you, right?" Tenley nodded and took the pacifier out of her mouth, handing it to me. I put it in my pocket, our secret.

"Why you say sorry? You pulled hair?"

I chuckled. I couldn't help it. "No. But you guys have to stop that, for real. Time outs make daddy tired."

"Why you sayin' so-rry?"

"I hurt mommy's feelings, baby," I said, distractedly, as I sent April a text. It was the truth. This whole situation was too complicated to lie about, so I'd essentially been simplifying the truth. It seemed to be working well enough.

"You see my mom?"

"Yeah, we talk to a doctor, sometimes. But it makes mama very tired. That's why we're only going to visit for a little bit, right?"

"Yeah, little bit."

"Look Tenley who is that? Who's comin' down the hall? Is that mama? Should we run? Let's run to her."

"Yeah, fast my dad." So I ran, Tenley in one arm, gifts in the other. And April ran. And when we met in the middle, Tenley's arms immediately stretched out toward her mama.

"Hi, my girl. You look so pretty, today." I could see tears in her eyes, but she wiped them away quickly, and was more convincingly cheerful than I thought she would be. Maybe because she was genuinely happy.

"Thanks. My dad braided my hair. And he broughted you rosies. And I broughted you a sandwich."

"You did huh? You wanna go into the game room and eat with me? I want you to meet my friend Dr. Craven." Tenley nodded and they headed to the rec room. I followed behind with the food. She didn't meet my eyes.

"Tenley, these cuppies are so yummy."

"Thanks. I maded dem. I teached my dad how."

"Wow, you taught your dad how to bake? I never thought I'd see the day." She rolled her eyes, taking a sip of iced tea.

"We didn't burned dem 'acause I pushed the one an the three."

"Good girl, Tee. You are such a good learner."

" My daddy maded mines and I maded his and he putted a frost on my nose."

"You have a silly dad." Tenley nodded and kissed April's cheek.

"Mama, can you pease come an visit Arelle's friends wit me an' my dad, to-day?"

"Tee, what did I tell you?" I interrupted, but Dr. Craven whispered that she could handle it.

"I want to, sweetheart, but I can't. Mommy gets very tired because I'm sick. But soon, I'm gonna come back. And maybe soon we'll be able to talk at night on the phone." This was new information to me, but I wasn't against the idea.

Tenley started to cry, and April closed her eyes, clearly breathing through anxiety. Dr. Craven held me back before I could grab Tee off of her lap.

"Please use your words for mommy, Tee. What do you feel?"

"Sad. I misses my mom so much."

"I miss you too, Tee. But I need to get all better before I come home."

"Is you comin' to my birthday, my daddy said Arelle is comin', mama!" Tenley sniffled, but excitement creeped into her voice.

"She is? You are a lucky girl Tee. What do you think she will do at your party?" April avoided the question.

"We gon' sing da world song."

April laughed. "'Part of Your World' is your favorite, huh?"

Tenley nodded. "My fave." She rested her head on April's chest. "My daddy, give da rosies say you sorry."

I chuckled, uncomfortable. I was hoping to get about five minutes at the end of the visit for an apology. But there was no avoiding it, now. I went into the bag and pulled out the roses. "These are for you. I wanted to say I love you very much. And I am very sorry I hurt your feelings. I was wrong."

"Say you assept da pology," Tenley encouraged April.

"What's the rule in our house, Tee? You know it."

"Don't ha to assept if it not OK, yet. But you hafta have a talk afore seeping an' say 'I assept' and give hug." I didn't know about this rule. "But my daddy give you rosies."

"I know. And they're beautiful. Tell me, what are you going to do today, see the dolphins?"

"Yeah, dolphies."

I let them talk a few more minutes, but Tenley kept asking April to come home and I saw the anxiety building in April. "OK, sweet Tee, it's time to say bye to mama and go see Ariel's friends." Immediately, Tenley burst into tears.

"Sh! Shhh! Shhh! It's OK baby! Calm down Tenley. Mommy will talk to you soon." 'Maybe tonight, for prayers?' she mouthed to me. I shrugged and nodded. "Mommy's gonna talk to you tonight, and say prayers."

Tenley hiccupped. "Sayin' prayers wit my mom?"

"Yeah, baby."

"Good acause my dad don't do dem best." She was right, prayers weren't my strong suit.

"Have fun with the dolphins, Tenley. Mommy loves you sooo much. How much do I love you?"

Tee started crying again as she realized it was time to say goodbye. "T-t-t-t-o da moon."

"That's right. I love you to the moon. Why don't you go visit Beth and see if she has stickers so mommy and daddy can talk?" Tenley nodded and jumped down from April's lap, wiping away tears. "I love my mom."

"I love my girl." April placed one last kiss on her forehead before Tee followed Dr. Craven out of the room.

"They really are beautiful," April whispered, smelling the roses when Tenley left the room.

"April. I'm so sorry. I won't ever hold the kids over you through this again. I just…I didn't know if you were ready. But I see now that you are. And, I am so proud of you for the progress you made this morning. I am so proud."

April bit her lip and blushed, turning away from me. "I forgive you," she whispered, into the air.

"Huh? What was that?" I walked to her and straddled her lap. It was the most physical contact we'd had all week and I felt April tense up, for a second. But she quickly relaxed.

"I assept your pology!" April laughed and screamed in my face.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

I leaned in and kissed her, slowly, carefully. It felt like our first real kiss in forever, because I felt her kiss back, and mean it, and when I pulled away, I was looking at April. She smiled and I was looking at my wife.

"'Gen, gen." Tenley giggled as she ran back into the room.

"Again, huh?" I smirked and we kissed again, making Tenley laugh.

I started walking away but she didn't let go of my hand and pulled me toward her before I could go. "Again!" She whispered in my ear and kissed me one last time . She even placed a few along my jaw.

"Alright, I love you, but I really gotta go, we've got a date with Arelle's friends." I whispered to her, so Tenley couldn't hear. I really had to go. I knew that if we went any further, it would have an effect on me that we couldn't take care of right now. I knew April wasn't ready to handle it, even if our kid wasn't watching. "Coffee, tomorrow?"

"Oh, um, I uhhhh…"

"Just a date. We'll follow the phone call rules. Just check in. Just visit with each other." I walked to the middle of the room, between April and Tenley.

"OK, yeah. That sounds lovely, babe. I can't wait."

"Caramel soy, right?"

April nodded. "Caramel soy. I love you too, Jackson Avery. And tonight?"

"I'll call you at seven thirty for prayers and then 11 for our call, sound good? You ready to talk to three gurlies on the phone?" April nodded. I smiled and turned to Tenley. "And are you ready to go see some fish, sea monkey?"

"I not a sea monkey, Jacksie Avery." Tenley laughed as I threw her over my shoulder and walked out of the room.

"Oh yeah, what are you, then?" I asked, lifting up so she was facing me again.

"I you dau-er."

"You are. You're my sweet girl. I can't wait to see the dolphins with you."

"Dolphies my fave."

"I know. You're my fave, Tee."

"And my sissies?"

"Yes, all my girls are my fave." She kissed me and smiled. She really smiled, and I knew I had made the right choice.


	9. Chapter 8: Mothers

**The Mothers had to be dealt with. I changed this chapter's title from "Conversations" to "Mothers" at the last minute. Because all of the women in this chapter are being the best mothers they can be, at the moment. Also, I know we just met Karen Kepner in 11x06 and I guess they did well enough with her on the surface. But in my head, she is a more complex woman and April's relationship with her is more complex. Just keep that in mind. **

**Quick Tangent: Something about writing TGO right now feels surreal. I only really know where I think it's going. Specifics of chapters are just coming to me as if by magic. I'm telling you that as a way of asking you not to hold any potential writer's block against me in the future, as this continues. I'm having a hard time writing my other stories at the moment, and I know that when I have the block, the struggle is real. For now, enjoy:) And as always, your comments are loved and welcome. **

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><p>"You want a drink, Ma? Some tea or something?" I asked, Friday night, once I had finally convinced Tenley that I wasn't lying when I said I was going to sleep in the guest room bed with her, later.<p>

Over the past five plus years, my relationship with my mother-in-law had grown pretty comfortably. She filled needs I didn't know I had. Ones my own mother couldn't. Sometimes it felt more natural calling her "Ma" than it did to call my mother that. Not that my mother wasn't my mother. Oh, she was my mother all right. She just lacked maternal warmth sometimes that Karen radiated naturally, all the time.

In that same vein, my mother had helped April learn to balance her responsibilities as a mother with her professional responsibilities, in the past. Even if I thought my mother hadn't balanced them equally, she had more experience with it than Karen did. So April looked to my mother to fill that need in her. We kind of had the perfect situation when it came to our in-laws. April would rather deal with my mother than hers, and vice versa. So, we were lucky.

That's not to say that these relationships were perfect. We hardly saw our families. Because even though I could handle Karen and April could handle the tornado that was Catherine Avery, it didn't make our personal issues with our mothers go away. And, since we both understood the complexity of each relationship, we respected each others desires not to see family. So, it's not like I had secret late night phone calls with Karen Kepner. We saw family on holidays, and April and the kids only traveled with me to Boston once a year to take the Avery Foundation pictures.

"Whatever you're having is fine, Jackson."

I took my head out of the fridge and wrinkled my nose. "A beer? Really?" I called to her. "I can make you tea, you know. I might have dropped the ball in the husband department on a lot of things, but I know how Kepners like their tea."

"I'm sure you do, dear. And I'm sure you also know that every once in a while we Kepner girls can put up our feet and throw back a beer, too." I nodded my head in silent agreement, giving in and grabbing her a beer.

I placed it on the coaster in front of her when I was in the family room. Kepner girls could throw back many different types of alcohol, but the glass it was in was always, in no uncertain terms, on a coaster.

I sighed as I collapsed into the recliner across from Karen, exhausted. "Long day, huh?" she eyed me with a knowing smile.

"I'm sure not as long as yours felt, but long nonetheless. Tenley is a quiet one, for sure, but she definitely comes alive when presented with a subject she loves. Those dolphins man, she loved 'em." I smiled, remembering the look in her eyes when she saw the first one. It was like she forgot all of the sadness she'd been dealing with in the past week. She was finally just a little girl again. Just my little two-year-old (I was going to hang on until the last second) girl, seeing something she loved for the first time. It was magical.

"She is so much like April in so many ways it's scary sometimes. We thought April might be a vet, you know."

"Thank you, by the way. For doing this, for allowing me to…she needed today." I skipped the middle of my sentence, not quite sure how to fill it in it. Allowing me to what? I didn't really know.

"Of course, Jackson. Of course. They're my grandkids. You're my son. She's my…She's my daughter. I think." Karen whispered the end of her statement, staring at nothing as she said it.

"She is your daughter. She did really well today. I'm…"

"Why didn't you call, Jackson?" She was still staring off into space. I don't think she'd heard anything I said.

I tilted my head back, massaging my temples as if that would help me come up with an acceptable answer. I took a sip of beer; she took a sip of beer. But the weight of the question was still hanging in the air when we finished swallowing, even though we tried to take our time. "I knew she wouldn't want me to, Karen. As soon as I could discuss calling you with her, I did, I promise. But until then, I was just trying to keep my girls' lives together." Karen nodded. I knew she didn't like my answer, she just accepted it as the truth.

"And your mother?"

"April said she wanted to call her, too. I'll know when she knows."

Karen shook her head at me, eyes filled with sadness, and maybe even some of that disappointment April feared so much. "You are our children. We love you. Why do you both think it's you against the world?"

I chuckled, even though there was nothing to laugh at. "It is."

"I love my daughter, Jackson. All I've ever done is try to help."

I took a breath and another sip from the bottle in my hand. I reminded myself I'd been aiming for the truth, lately and it had been working. "April feels very judged by your delivery, I think. She is not lucky to have me. She chose me. When I stood up, I chose her. And when she took my hand, she chose me. If anyone was lucky, it was me."

Karen blinked at me. "I know that, I've never…"

I shrugged, there was honestly only so much insight I could give regarding this particular topic. I hadn't been on the end of every phone call, hadn't accidentally overheard _every_ conversation. But I knew enough, I had wiped away enough of those tears when she hung up the phone. In hindsight, they were more frequent once she decided to stay home. "She was…is…good to me. She tolerates a lot of lonely nights when I'm working or in Boston for the Foundation. She cared for me in ways I took for granted. I never expected dinner on the table when I got home. But when it was, every night, I didn't always say thank you. I never took half a day to help when one of them was sick. I took her for granted."

"That's your cr…issue to deal with, the two of you."

"But you see it, right? My part in this." For the first time, I was really beginning to understand the judgment April felt, from her mother.

"I suppose. If she asked for help…"

"She did. She asked me. In her own way. I was too self-centered to realize it."

"If she just called me, I would've…"

"What? Quoted a Bible passage at her?" It was the first time Karen had ever heard an edge in my voice.

"No Jackson! I would've offered her some coping strategies…Kimmie or I…"

I smirked, dismissing her by looking away. "Pssh, Kimmie, yeah. OK. Because April really needed to be advised to drown her problems in alcohol."

"Jackson!" Karen stared at me, mouth wide open.

"I don't think you would've come. I don't think you would've come to help her if she called you and said 'Mom, my baby won't eat and I just burned dinner and my one-year-old won't stop hitting…"

"Braelyn does love to throw things…"

I ignored her. "Maybe I'm not being fair. Because I think maybe you would've calmed her down, told her to order out. But she needed more help than that. Help that you never needed."

"Well, I hope she asked the good Lord for it, and maybe now she's getting just the kind she needs. Excuse me for wishin' she needed me." Karen downed the last sip of her beer and stood up abruptly, determinedly starting to walk out of the room, without a glance in my direction.

I groaned. I was already on fragile good terms with one Kepner woman. "Look Ma, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be speaking for her. The only minor point I was trying to make is that April felt some pressure, at times, to be like you, I think and…"

"You really think that came from me, every time she felt it? Because you know, we had so many mother-daughter talks." Karen snickered and rolled her eyes.

"Well no but…"

"My dad. Time fer your bed, pease!" Tenley Justine peaked her head in from the kitchen, stopping our conversation short, and walking into the room.

"Little girl, did you climb down the stairs by yourself?" She nodded at me from her spot in the middle of the den, passi in her mouth. "What's the rule after bed time?"

She removed the pacifier. "No doin' dat 'acause it's time for seeping." She pouted, looking down at her bare feet. Bellie and Tee were masters at navigating around baby-proofing, at this point. "But I haved a bad dream. Too dark fer a time out."

"Well, maybe we take a sticker away, tomorrow. What did I tell you?" I was slowly learning the behavior chart.

"You was comin' but when I woked up you wasn't there."

"I wasn't lying Tee. You need to learn how to listen better at bedtime."

"Jackson, she had a bad dream!" Karen scolded me, looking down at her watch. It was five to 11. "How about this, Ten? How about grandma and Tee go upstairs, and grandma will cuddle with Tee until daddy comes. He has things to do, soon."

"Yeah, come on gramma." Tenley was surprisingly quick to accept the idea.

I sighed and nodded in agreement with it. "Say thank you, grandma K," I reminded my daughter. But Karen waved me away.

"No need to thank your grandma for loving you, baby," she said to Tee. But I knew she was talking to me.

* * *

><p>"Hi."<p>

"Hi babe, how are you feeling?" After I grabbed another beer from the fridge, I dialed April, sinking back down into my recliner.

She hesitated. "Good. I feel good, today was a great day, all things considered. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me."

"How are you feeling?"

"My turn, huh?" We followed very strict rules for these calls. They were for catching up, not for arguing or even much deep conversation. They were check-ins, plain and simple. We weren't at the point where we could deal with our issues alone, although natural progression was welcome, I assumed. The first step was always to be aware of each others feelings, in the moment. After a pause, I finally answered. "Frustrated."

April gasped. "With me? Jackson, I tried. I…"

"No, no! Not with you, sweetheart. Sorry, I should've been clearer. I got into a fight with your mother, just now. Sort of. A little fight, I think."

April was surprised. Karen and I were usually on the same side. "You did?"

"Yeah. I kind of told her that you probably didn't call her for help because quoting Bible verses at you wouldn't have worked. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

But April was laughing. "You're right, it wouldn't have. And also…"

"Neither would telling you that even housewives serve take-out, sometimes?" The other end of the line went quiet, but I thought I heard a sniffle. "Oh Bird. I keep messing up today. I'm sorry. That was mean and I'll apologize…"

"Don't you dare! You stuck up for me, Jackson."

I realized she was crying happy tears, because I was on her side, and it broke my heart. "Of course I did. I'm on your side. I'm sorry it took me awhile to realize that. But you did everything you could to protect Tenley, even when you weren't in control of your own actions and…"

"Jackson, please. You're going too far. Sorry. I just…"

"It's a good thing. It's progress. But I understand why you might not want to talk about it, right now."

"How was the aquarium?"

"Good, good. Tenley girl really loves those dolphins."

"Yeah, she does." I heard the smile return. I heard it in her voice. "She also really loves to sing and dance. All of them do, actually."

"Well, I'll put them back in classes, does that sound alright to you? And maybe swimming too. As much as she loves those fish, she was very afraid when we got in the water with the dolphins. That's not good."

"You took her in the water?"

"Of course I did. Just staring at the fish isn't as fun as touching them. She ended up loving it. Oh, I made a video of her telling you all about it, when we got out. Tomorrow, we can watch it while you drink your caramel soy. If you want."

"Yeah, yeah. That'd be nice. You're the best daddy, babe."

"Well, I don't know if she thinks that, at the moment."

"Why?"

"Oh, we have to take a sticker off of her chart tomorrow." I liked letting April know that I was actively practicing her parenting techniques.

"Tenley? No! Why?"

"She had a nightmare and came downstairs before because I wasn't in bed. I really need to figure out what her deal is, at night. And don't let her fool you, the sweet one can really yank at hair, when she wants to."

"Yeah, but Jackson. Don't punish her for telling you she needed help when she was scared, that's going to set a horrible precedent."

"I told her I would be there, and I wasn't lying. She knows the rule, April. I know she's fragile, and the quietest of all four. But she's a big girl and…"

"Did you tell her what time you were coming to bed?"

"No. Sometimes our call is shorter than 15 minutes, sometimes it's longer. Besides, I was banking on the fact that her eyes would be closed until morning."

"Yeah, but they weren't. She had a nightmare. And I'm not there, and you weren't there and her big sister was sleeping. Do you know if she went into Bellie's room, to try and wake her up?"

"No. Why would she do…"

"Oh, she does it. Because she hates breaking the rules. She gets very ashamed of herself when she breaks the rules. So don't you DARE punish her for being afraid and asking for help. You acting like that is part of the reason I'm…." There was anger in her voice, a ferocious edge that I had never heard before.

"OK, alright. Calm down April. We're going too far. But I get it. I was wrong and I will fix it. I promise. And I'm sorry. I will try to be better at realizing when all of you need help. I'm really trying."

"Yeah I know." Her voice was flat. This conversation was taking a turn. "I called your mother. I told her. She asked me to ask you to please call her when we hung up."

I let out a breath and closed my eyes, silently banging my head against the back cushion of the chair. I knew this was coming. She'd warned me. That didn't mean it was easy. "Ok, I will. How did that go?"

"Fine. But I don't want to talk about it, right now. That's kind of between us."

"Ok, April."

"I feel like we need to end this conversation, now."

"Wait, April. We were doing well until…let's end on something positive, please?"

"Alright." Silence.

"I love you so much. I'm so proud of everything you did today. For the first time all week, I felt 100 percent sure that we would get through this, with minimal scars. We will, babe. I know it."

"You do?" she asked. "Because I don't. All I want to do right now is cuddle with my kid and make her nightmares go away. But I can't. Because I'm the reason she's having them." There were no tears. Her voice was hollow.

"Babe. Your mom's there. And I'm gonna go in there as soon as I get off phone with my mom."

"Great, my mom's mothering my kids because I can't. Comforting."

"It's better than having no help, right? Because I have time now, to focus on each of them. And work…"

"God forbid you stop that."

"Hey, April. Please be fair. I'm going to take a week, when she leaves."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just miss you, desperately. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't breathe, because you're not there."

"Oh April." My voice caught in the back of my throat. "I can be. One night this week, I can be."

"No. You can't leave Tenley at night. Or any of them. I'm gonna go now. I love you, Jackson."

"I love you, April." She hung up and I took a deep breath and a sip of beer before dialing my mom. No reason to put it off, I just wanted to get it over with.

"Why hello, Jackson."

"Mom, I really don't need a lecture right now. I'm not sorry I didn't tell you. I don't have room in my life for your judgment right now."

"Wow, someone's in a mood, tonight. Your call not go well?"

"It was…You know what? That's none of your business, mom."

"Well anyway, who said anything about you. I'm more worried about April. I don't have time to judge you. You were being kind of selfish, don't you think? Not calling me."

"April didn't want…"

"She didn't want you calling her mother. And frankly, I don't blame her." Our parents tolerated each other, but I wouldn't say they got along. "But she asked you to call me, didn't she? And what did you do? You begged her to let you call Karen."

"Mom, Karen's here. Helping with the kids. You would've taken them to Boston."

"Jackson Harper. I swear I could just slap you right now. I wouldn't dream of leaving that woman. Of taking her children away. The children she tried to protect from herself so fiercely while you were lost in your own little world, oblivious to her cries for help."

"It's the world that you built for me, mom. The world you expect me to run."

"Even so! You should've been paying more attention to your wife. I raised you better than this. Missing your child's graduation show for a few surgeries, a few hundred thousand dollars. Were you proud, baby? Proud of being like all other Avery men?"

"Mom!" I whispered it, holding back tears. "No! I told you I didn't want a lecture, right now. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying."

"Jackson…I didn't mean to…you do better than them. A thousand times better. This whole situation makes me mad, though. Because who was on your wife's side? Even now…who is there for her?"

"I am. We are making progress. Slowly, but it's happening."

"As much as she loves you and leans on you, she needs more than you, right now. How much energy does it take from you, talking to her every night? Visiting her?"

"What? It depends on the day I guess. We're making progress. But there's work to do. It is hard, most days. Every call or visit is a little bit of work. But I love her."

"I know you do. But, just think. As difficult as each call or visit is for you, it is ten times as hard for her. Plus she doesn't have work to escape to. And who knows what type of judgment is going on in her head."

"There are doctors there, 24/7 obviously. I'm sure she has support when she needs it. And her mom and her have a therapy session, tomorrow."

"I am not talking about doctors. And I'm certainly not talking about therapy sessions or Karen Kepner. That child just needs someone to watch a movie and laugh with her, to just let her cry without expecting that each tear is a step closer to sanity…"

"I don't know what you're asking me to do here, mom."

"Nothing, Jackson. I'm not expecting you to do anything. But I would like to spend a week in Seattle, after Tenley's birthday party. Is that alright with you?"

I closed my eyes, trying to let the request sink in. "Yeah, yeah. If you…if you talked about it with April…"

"I did…"

"And as long as you don't expect to take them to Boston…"

"I already told you, I wouldn't think of it. If that's really what you were worried about you've gone crazy too because…"

"MOM!"

"Sorry, but it's true. That isn't what's best for April or the girls. They're who I care about most right now."

"Gee thanks."

"Don't pretend like that's not what you were hoping for me to say, Jackie. I have very little intention of meddling in the details of your life, on this visit. I will only meddle when it's for the good of April or one of the kids."

"That means no rolling your eyes when I make a parenting decision you don't agree with."

"I'll roll them behind closed doors, easy enough." That's as good an answer as I could expect, from her.

"And we pray, every night. They pray. And I sort of do too, lately. It's complicated."

"I should hope so. It's what April wants. If you weren't, I'd suggest it."

I rolled my eyes, not quite so sure of that last statement. "Fine. You can come. For a week. After Tenley's party."

"Thank you. You tell Karen she can plan it but Harper is paying."

"Mom, we've got the party under control. It's last minute stuff. But we've got it."

"I'm sure you do, but Harper is paying. I'll see to that."

"Fine mom."

"Goodnight Jackson. I love you and I hope you get a good night's rest."

"Goodnight, Ma."

I hung up with my mom and went straight upstairs to get ready for bed. With Karen around, there wasn't much to get done around the house, lately. I would never take a clean house for granted, again.

Quietly, I knocked on the guest room door before I entered. "She's asleep," Karen whispered. "I can stay here, if you want a night alone."

"No, better do it how we told her we would."

"Fine." She pulled back the covers and sat on the edge of the bed. "How was the call?"

"It was…OK. I called my mom, too…She's coming to Tenley's party and going to stay for a week. Also, I'm going to authorize you on my card for the week because my grandfather wants to pay for…"

"I can pay for…"

"I know you can, but just use your money on presents for her or something. I wanna get an Ariel impersonator and there's this traveling aquarium thing they do for parties. I found it when we went today…So just, let him pay for it all."

"Wow, these are some lucky girls," Karen yawned as she got out of bed.

I shrugged. "In some ways, I guess."

"In a lot of ways, Jackson. You are both great parents. Life happens."

"Thank you…Hey Karen?"

Yes," she was at the door, almost on her way out.

"I'm really sorry for what I said before. I didn't mean to…"

"Jackson, don't worry about it. You are stressed and you were just defending your wife. I suppose April and I will try dealing with all of it tomorrow afternoon. You take care of her, best you can. And you will do even better from now on. I'm glad for that. Sleep tight."

"I'm glad you're here. Goonight."

"Is dat my dad?" Tenley stirred as soon as Karen shut the door.

"Is that my Tenley talking? You should be asleep, young lady."

"Why is you always sayin' sorry today?" She was sneakier than I thought. I wondered how long she'd been awake.

"Because I made a lot of mistakes."

"What miscakes?"

"Nothing for you to worry about angel. But daddy's not going to take a sticker away, tomorrow. You didn't do anything wrong, understand? You are always allowed to find daddy when you are scared."

"I was tryina' make Bellie wake firs' but she sleepin' like rocks."

I laughed, even though part of me was sad as Tenley confirmed April's theory. "Well you don't have to wake Bellie first if you're scared and you want me. I made a mistake. I'm sorry."

Tenley nodded, accepting my apology, and kissed my cheek. "I tired now."

"Close your eyes, then, baby. Close your eyes and go to sleep. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."


	10. Chapter 9: Diagnosis

**Hey guys! Grey's tonight (or the promo, to be more accurate) gave me anxiety. So I wrote tonight to forget it. This is kind of a long chapter. Lots going on. Hope you like it. R&R please! I'm going to need something to make me smile for about a week! ;)**

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><p>"You two look happy." We stopped kissing when Dr. Craven walked in the room, but she stayed on my lap. She started playing with my wedding ring, sliding it up and down my finger, which was gripping her waist.<p>

"Stop that babe. It's never come off. I don't ever want it to come off, even by accident."

"Jackson, please tell me you take it off for the really gross surgeries."

I raised my eyebrows at her, amused. "Nope. We use gloves for a reason sweetheart."

"Ew." She shook the thought of my wedding ring covered in ass fat residue and turned her attention to Dr. Craven. "Sorry, we just had a really good weekend. And he's bringing my babies to visit this week. One tonight and one Wednesday. He can count as the doctor in the room, right? I know you're not here, tonight."

"Beth can count, how does that sound? Your husband is not an objective observer of your mood."

"He's been doing a good job."

"Well, that's great but…Let's just keep it as is, for now. What's Beth getting for dinner, tonight?" We both laughed at the unique way the doctor inquired of our plans. Food was the easiest thing for the girls to understand. "Let's go eat with mommy" was a lot easier to wrap ones tiny head around than "Let's go give mommy some exposure to her children as part of her therapy." It was awkward, eating while a fourth party just watched on, so I'd brought Dr. Craven food.

"Pizza. And maybe soda?" I eyed my wife for permission. "We're gonna have 'a celebrate' for Bellie's graduation."

"That's great. Does that make you feel anxious at all, April? Because of that day?"

"No. I'm only a little anxious because I'm seeing Arabella for the first time in a week, that's all. My kid deserves this, she deserves more than this. So much more." April looked at me as she said the last part, and then quickly looked down at my left hand, which rested on her thigh.

"I know. I'm sorry," I whispered.

"It's still not OK. I'm allowed to reject your apology."

"I know you are."

"This anxiety, April. Is it anything worse than I would expect it to be?"

She shook her head back and forth vigorously. "No. No. Not at all. Bellie's a handful. But I'm ready. I miss my little diva so much."

"Alright, well then I'm going to do something I don't usually do with you guys. I'm going to force a topic on you, because each of you has expressed to me a need to talk about something in particular. They're two different things. Two very difficult topics that might take a few sessions to work through. But we can start, today. I think you both are ready to start. Who wants to go first?"

Timidly, April raised her hand. "I will. But can we make rules first? They can be for this whole session, if you want, Jackson, for when it's your turn, too." Her eyes were pleading with me. It worried me how fast she went from fine to petrified.

"Yes. We can make rules that you both agree to follow to the best of your ability. But I don't want either one of you to feel prevented from responding in any way."

"Fine." I swallowed, this session had gone from casual to…not very quickly.

"What caused you to ask that question, April?"

"Fear that he'd leave the room." I held her hand, lacing it with mine. She was still in my lap.

"Alright, so…if either one of you feels the urge to leave the room, you have to let each other know, first. No one leaves this room without completing the sentence, 'I want to leave right now because I feel…' understood?" The doctor was looking right at me, but I nodded affirmatively at my wife.

"April, you're sitting on my lap, if I leave, you're leaving with me." She only smirked.

"Jackson, is there a rule you would like in place?"

"Let's see. I don't think there's any anticipating a panic attack. And I know she does work through them, but…just in case today's are extra intense, really focus on working through it, please?"

April nodded at me.

"Good one, Jackson. And why do you need that from her?"

"I just…when she has them it takes awhile for her to come back, sometimes. And watching that makes me worried about when she'll be ready for the girls. For home."

"I'm ready. I'll be ready. No matter what please don't cancel…"

"That's not fair, April. He didn't say anything about canceling tonight. You need to acknowledge what he did say."

"Alright."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"OK, just gage each other's feelings right now before we dive in."

"April, how are you feeling right now?"

"Scared." I nodded, accepting it. "Jackson, how are you feeling right now?"

"Pretty scared." She nodded.

"Are you ready, April? What did you want to talk to Jackson about, today?"

She kissed me before she said a word, and I felt the fear in her. It felt like the kiss she gave me once she finally let me in the room for Arabella's birth. It was a kiss that begged, that pleaded. It said, "I'm about to be vulnerable, please stay and watch the whole show." It was a kiss she'd given me very early on in our relationship, right before I entered her for the first time, when she gave me her virginity. The nature of her fear this time was different, I understood that. But she could never quite understand that all of her vulnerabilities made her so much more beautiful to me. "I want to tell him my diagnosis."

I swallowed. "What is your diagnosis, April?" Dr. Craven probed. April took a deep breath.

"I have...I have obsessive compulsive tendencies along with the PPD, because of the anxiety I…"

She slid off of my lap, and despite my attempts to hang on, let go of my hand.

I really wished she didn't. I wished she'd give me more credit. She'd always been a perfectionist. She'd probably always experienced anxiety on some level and just never sought treatment. Obsessive compulsive tendencies, I could handle. I was mad at myself for not seeing it before.

"Jackson, what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I wish she stayed right where she was."

"Really?" She couldn't look me in the eyes when she said it.

"Yes, really. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it's not exactly the biggest surprise."

"So…"

"So you're on meds right?" She nodded. "Doing some exposure and response prevention therapy?" She blushed, embarrassed to admit specifics of her treatment, I guessed.

"It means two extra weeks here, I'm sorry I…"

I rolled my eyes and waved her away. "Whatever. Get over here, kiss me and explain the worst set to me."

"Jackson, this isn't a joke or…It's serious."

"I'm dead serious. You want support, this is about as supportive as I know how to be, c'mon." I patted my knee.

"It's bad, Jackson."

"April, we wouldn't exactly be here if you were thinking about rainbows and butterflies the last few weeks, would we?"

She bit her lip. "Well no."

"Alright, so let's get this over with, yeah? We've got a lot to talk about today." I really wished Dr. Craven would interject, like he usually did, to help us along. That was the slight downside of good communication. She finally sat on my lap. I kissed her. "Obsession, compulsion, worst one you've got, go…"

She was quiet. "Come on, April. You've got it. I don't think he's going anywhere."

She took a deep breath. "Obsession: That I would…or that I wanted to…hurt, hurt one of the kids. Compulsion: I would hurt myself." My eyes widened. "Not like that. Never like that. I promise. I just would pinch myself or scratch myself or something and then go on with my day, trying not to step on dolls on my way to make a bottle."

"Hurt them how, please can we get into that?"

She looked down and barely whispered. "Nothing really bad. Not actually hurting them, not really. More like 'Oh if she fell from those monkey bars, if I let go…at least it would be a little quieter.' But of course that's crazy. Of course I didn't…"

"Arabella, last year…"

"She fell off the tricycle, I swear, Jackson. Tenley was crying for something, I forget what…and she fell…you have to believe me I…"

"Jackson, April would've told me if she let Arabella fall. I know it." Oh sure, now he felt the need to interject.

"Alright fine, what are the others?"

"Oh, whenever I bake I….it has to be perfect or I bake another batch." She was more relaxed as she listed how she organized the girls' bookshelves and reorganized them, vacuumed one room five times over, rearranged furniture constantly to make the room feel balanced, organized their clothes obsessively.

I could tell that these behaviors were a comfort to her. They hardly seemed to disturb her, but they disturbed me more than the first set of thoughts. So much more. "And they were around, when you did all of these things?" There was a slight edge in my voice that I couldn't keep out.

April heard it and climbed off of my lap. "Sometimes Tee was. Bellie was at school or she'd say she didn't want to clean all day." April shrunk into the couch cushions.

"I feel frustrated that I didn't notice this stuff before. Angry, because my children saw it, and that could mean…they could be having…"

Dr. Craven cut me off. "So we watch them. We watch Tee, carefully. You ask her about her thoughts, about her nightmares. You say 'Daddy wants to know all about the monster, Tee.' Did you ask her about the hospital on Friday?"

"No! I didn't think it was fair. She cried the whole car ride, just about, after we left and I just didn't feel right bringing up the scary night when mommy thought men were going to take her away. Not when she was having so much fun with the dolphins. No way."

"I really want to discuss getting her to a psychiatrist, Jackson…"

"No. I've got it. I'll handle it. I'm a doctor."

"But you're not…" April, who had been trying to make herself as invisible as possible the last few minutes, suddenly spoke up.

"I'll handle it. I've been asking for help. I'll deal with it."

"Alright fine, Jackson, we'll move on. Are you sure you want to talk about your subject today? You are visibly irritated and both of you have already done some great work, today. We can continue with the OCD discussion. There is so much more to talk about."

"No. Before I come with Bellie tonight, I want to know about Adelaide. Can you please explain why you have so much trouble saying your daughter's name?"

"I think I need a break. Just some water. I'll be right back. I'm not leaving. I feel like we both need a break because he's getting very hostile. And he's sort of holding the kids over my head again, and it's kind of hard to handle when he was begging for kisses and swearing to be supportive a few minutes ago."

"She has a valid point, you know." Dr. Craven eyed me hopefully when she left, but I wasn't sure what he wanted from me.

"Dr. Craven, she just listed all of the crazy obsessions and compulsions she had in front of my kids."

"She did. And you walked in in the middle of the worst one. That's where you both started, here. And you've been making progress. You've been doing well. I understand that it's scary. This is even scarier than if they were physically hurt, even. Because both of you are amazing doctors and you know amazing doctors and when one of your kids needs medical attention, you get them the best every time. Psychological stuff is new to both of you. I understand. But she's just as scared as you. Just as worried about the kids."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying…she knows you need to understand the disconnect with Adelaide. She's probably even ready. But telling you this was a big step. Acknowledge that. And let's talk about it and let's deal with the next big step next session. She's going to get through all of this, Jackson. It's OCD that manifested because of the PPD. If we keep doing the therapy, letting her see the kids, she will get through it. It's not full blown OCD. And trust me, your wife wants to get home to those babies."

"Alright, fine." I looked down and started to retie my shoelace. What was it about this man that always made me feel like I was 10 again, getting reprimanded by Harper for not sitting up straight at the dinner table?

She was back. She sat on the couch and put a pillow between us. "I'm sorry, April. I know she'll be safe today. But I was never not going to come tonight. I promise. Bellie and I have big plans. I wouldn't do that to her." April snickered and rolled her eyes at the ground. "Or you. Or you, babe."

"It's like you think I'm just here to think about you. Our relationship. Well I'm not. I'm more than just a wife you know. I'm a mom. I want to be a mom again and…"

"You are a mom April. I never said you weren't." I grabbed her hand and wouldn't let her pull away.

"Well, I think about them, too you know! More than I think about you, even. This scares me too, I'm just as worried for them as everyone else. Just because this whole thing forced you to be more involved…you don't get to…pretend like you're the only one parenting. I mean, I know physically…but…Oh you know what I mean!" She wiped away tears, frustrated with herself for stumbling over her words.

"I do. And I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm sorry, April. I'm bad at this whole therapy thing. Let's be scared together. We do scared together well."

"No we don't, what are you talking about? We're never scared together…you always…"

"When I stood up at your wedding and asked you to run…were you scared?"

"I…yes but you…"

"…I was scared too."

"You drove. You proposed. You made me get back in the car."

"All while petrified you might change your mind."

"Okay, well, you could've told me…" She started playing with a hole in her jeans.

"On our wedding night, were you…were you just a little nervous?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "I was so scared because we'd never said 'I love you' before. It had always been just sex. But you went so slowly, Jackson, you made me feel so…"

"I was scared too, because you are the only woman I've ever been in love with." She blushed. "When you told me you were pregnant that first time, were you scared?"

"Yes. Of course. We were fighting…I told you over the phone. Of course I was scared." She mumbled.

"So was I. Because we were fighting about serious stuff, April."

"I know."

"In that elevator, when you were having the panic attack and you were 6-months with Bellie…were you scared?"

"Jackson, you talked me through that whole thing while checking on the entire hospital."

"What about when Bellie broke her arm?"

"I get it, Jackson."

"Get what, April. What is he trying to tell you?"

"That all of these times in our relationship when I thought he wasn't scared, he was." She turned to me. "You could've told me, Jackson."

"No I couldn't. I really couldn't have. Because comforting you, making you feel better, pushing my own feelings aside, that's actually what got me through it all."

"But if you told me I could've…"

"No, April. You couldn't have helped me any other way. Because when you're scared, you need me. And that's fine. That helps me. But this time, we have to be scared together in a new way, because I don't know how to help you and so…all I'm left with are these feelings. Feelings I don't know what to do with."

"Well, how can I help you?"

"I have some hard questions." She motioned for me to continue. "Besides that night, have you ever included one of the girls in an obsession or compulsions?"

"I just told you yes. Tenley does everything with me. We cooked, we baked, we cleaned…"

"Alright, what are they. When you bake. You were speaking in very general terms before, please be specific."

"Well, I read every recipe three times. Once out loud. Even if I know it. But all she knows is that I read it once. And I don't know, I follow the recipe very carefully but you have to do that while baking. And I put cupcakes in for 13 minutes, exactly. Because they cook when you take them out so…" I suddenly drowned her out, remembering Tenley's insistence on pushing the one and the three on Friday. "And I have to frost in a circular motion, counter-clockwise to get this particular swirl in the middle. And if anything goes wrong at any point, I keep making the batch, because waste is ridiculous, but I make another batch afterwards."

"Jackson, you're looking kind of pale, are you alright?" Dr. Craven snapped me back to the moment. Wordlessly, I took out my phone, and swiped through my photos until I found what I was looking for.

"Which one did Tenley make?" I asked the doctor, handing over my phone. I heard April gulp.

"Is that hers on the left, there? The pink frosting with the 'D' on it? She made yours, right?"

"Yeah but, which one looks like a three-year-old made it?"

"Well, the white one looks a little messier, you're right."

"Does that not…does it not worry you, doctor? She said 'Make it pretty, dad' so that was me trying…"

"The edible glitter was a nice touch, did she like it?"

"Of course she did. I made it for her. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body."

"And do you remember how you frosted the cupcake? Was it a counterclockwise circular motion?"

I shrugged. "Probably not. That's all she was doing all day. The whole point of frosting separately was to try and get her to have fun. Because they did it all the time, I thought she liked it. But she was nervous the whole time." I covered my chin with my hands, stressed. Thinking. I heard April wiping tears away.

"Did you get her to have fun, Jackson? Did you make her laugh?"

"Yes." I smiled. That was an encouraging thought.

"I remember. I remember she was so excited when you were eating the cupcakes, so excited to talk about how her silly dad put frosting on her nose. She had fun, Jackson…"

"I guess, but…"

"When you were frosting, or after you showed her the cupcake you made, did she make you do it over?"

"No but maybe I did frost counterclockwise. We'd done 10 before that, maybe my muscles remembered."

"Well, even if they did, that is not a perfect swirl, dad. And I know that April's tendencies are very intense when she's cooking, cleaning, or doing anything for the girls."

I looked at my wife, trying not to give away how upset the doctor's words made me. "So always. All the time, they're intense?"

"Jackson, no. I…it's really hard to explain." She let my curiosity hang in the air.

"My point is, April would have insisted they bake another batch. It sounds like Tenley watches her mother very carefully, and even imitates her. But maybe, just maybe she doesn't obsess. Of course, I have only met her once and I'm not treating her. But relax. Don't jump to conclusions. Worry when you need to. It's OK to feel fear in all of this. It's not ok to feed that fear with irrational thoughts and then let it spiral and take over your life."

I let out a breath, feeling relief, finally. "You're right. Thank you Dr. Craven."

"That's all the time we have for today, but I look forward to hearing how tonight goes, and I'll see you Wednesday, Jackson."

I nodded and turned to April. "See you tonight, right? At 7." She nodded. I kissed her forehead. "Are you mad at me?" She shook her head. "Are you being honest right now?" She nodded. "OK, well have a smile with you tonight, please?" She shrugged. "April, come on. For Bellie." She gave a tentative nod. "Are you sure you're not mad? I'm really sorry. I don't think before I speak. I was just scared. And a little sad." She nodded and squeezed my hand. "Soooo the reason you aren't speaking right now is that you need time to process the Tenley stuff?" She nodded and shrugged at the same time. "Whatever that means, my little girl is going to have a mommy who talks, tonight, right?" She nodded. I pecked her lips before finally getting up from the couch. "Alright, well…Dr. C will help you figure it out, I hope. I love you. So much." I watched her eyes as I left the room and headed downstairs to work, trying to pick up a clue, but they gave me nothing.

* * *

><p>Arabella let go of my hand and bolted to her mother's leg, later that night, latching on tightly. "Hi mama. Hi! We gotted you the pizza and the bread wit the cheesy and we gotted orange soda and gummi bears too. This gon' be the best celebrate, mom!"<p>

"Hi, my big girl. How are you, diva?" April kissed Bellie's cheek and laughed. I relaxed. She was speaking, and she seemed to be in better spirits than she was this morning before our session. Even though we were in a better place before talking to Dr. Craven than after, there was a desperation in our kisses, then. There was a hesitancy in her tone.

"I good, mama. I ony gotted one time-out today and Tenley got one and Brae gotted two 'acause she kept thowin' toys."

"Oh no! Why so many time-outs, today?"

"'Acause dad said clean up toys but we didn't want to. We didn't mama."

"Well I know my girls can be good listeners. You'll do better tomorrow right?" She started walking toward the rec room. "Daddy isn't used to playtime so you need to be extra good for him, promise?"

Bellie nodded. "But we was playin' in da dollhouse."

"Oh, that's why there were so many time-outs. You didn't tell daddy the rules, did you?"

"Nope, we didn't 'acause we like to play on it ebryday, mama." She giggled, there was mischief in it.

"I know you do. But what's the dollhouse rule? Tell your daddy." We were at the table. I slid the pizza bob in front of April and nodded a hello to Beth, taking a seat across from my wife and daughter.

"Doll house is ony a treat fer Friday 'acause me and my sissy's lub to play it so much we neber wanna clean it up. Sorry I was naughty and tell lies. I in trouble?"

"You didn't lie, diva. You aren't in trouble. You just need to listen when I tell you to." April nodded in agreement, kissing the top of Bellie's head. "Now let's eat. Tell mama what we got for her. And say hi to Beth." I opened the pizza box.

"Hi Beth! Mama look we got the 'roni which is my faborite and the olibes which is you fave and they together on same pizza. Isn't that funny, mom?"

"No. It's not funny, silly girl. It looks yummy, though."

"Oh yeah, yummy. That's what I means."

I passed pizza out to everyone and poured Dixie cups full of orange soda. "Bellie, tell mommy where we went today, just before."

"Oh mom! We went to buy presents for Tee 'acause her birthday comin' dis Friday. Is you comin' to the party?"

Fuck. I had good intentions for asking the question. Bellie was so excited about her presents for Tee. I mouthed an apology to April and Beth. April shrugged. She seemed to take it well enough. "No. I can't, sweetie. But you are gonna take so many pictures for me, right?"

Bellie shrugged, pulling a piece of cheese off of her pizza and eating it. "Ok. I guess. I can't hold a cam-era still. So, I always take dem blurry, mama. Always."

"Ok. Maybe daddy will take lots, that's what I meant." I nodded, giving her a small smile. "Hey Arabella, what did you get Tenley for her birthday?"

Arabella giggled, just thinking about it. "Oh, I gotted her her owns tutu so she don't hab to share mine. We both can hab them. Hers is purple mom, you wants to see it?"

"It's in the car diva." I raised my eyebrows at April, uncertain. "But I can go get it if you…"

"No, no. It's fine, Jackson. You can just take tons of pictures for me, right?"

"Of course, April. Of course."

"Bellie's gonna stay right here in mommy's lap and eat her pizza, right baby?"

"I not a baby. Why you always sayin' dat? You and dad?"

"You'll always be my baby, Bellie. Even when you're 40."

"40? That's so old." I was three years away from old, it seemed.

"Mommy's gonna be 40 soon, in two years."

"Dat's not soon, mom."

"Well, I think it's comin' soon! Too soon." April's eyes widened and she laughed. "What else did you get for your sister?"

"We gotted her a big girl plate wit Ariel on it. Dat way so she's happy 'acause daddy said she can't use her fave plate no more. Dat's for a baby. But she will be sad so Ariel on the plate will make her feel happy."

"Oh! You are such a good sister." April looked down, whispering.

"I got a plate too, mom!" Arabella didn't notice the change in mood.

"Really?" April took a bite of pizza. "Who is on your new big girl plate, Arabella?"

"I gotted Nala 'acause I like her. Brae didn't get one and Laidy didn't cause they you babies mom. They are."

"I know they are. I know." It was barely audible. She was staring at the back of Bellie's head, at her hair. "Your braid's a little crooked, huh diva?" She undid the hair tie. Bellie shook her head wildly back and forth, an old habit.

"Maybe," Bellie shrugged. "'Acause dad say pra-ticing make daddy late for work, not pra-cticing make progress like mommy say." I chuckled, caught.

"Hey April, what would happen if I asked you to leave Bellie's hair exactly as it is?" Beth cut in as April ran her fingers through Bellie's hair, catching something I didn't. I realized for the first time why these visits were supervised.

"My hair will get so, so, so, so tangled and tangled and tangled and tangled if I gosa sleep wit it out when I wakes up dare will be a lotta nests fer birds in my hair and my dad will go like dis." Bellie rolled her eyes and did a face palm, just like I did before Alex taught me to braid and my girls remembered to tell me that their mom did it every night so their hair wasn't a knotted mess in the morning. "Then he will probly hand the brush to grandma K an' say 'Please, Karen? I can't deal.'" I laughed. I couldn't help myself.

I nodded at Beth, confirming her story. "When did you hear me say that?"

"Oh yeserday chasin' Brae Brae."

Oh, that. "OK, well how about we wait five minutes and let daddy do it again, for practice. Can we do that, April?" Beth asked.

I focused my attention on April again, having momentarily forgotten that we were in the psych ward of a hospital thanks to my very entertaining daughter. Obviously Bellie's hair had triggered my wife.

"Babe, are you…what are you feeling right now?"

"She feelin' tired. Here for restin'."

"Shhh…Let mama and daddy and Beth talk, right now. You want more pizza? Here, come sit with dad and have another slice, sweetheart."

"NO!" April screamed a little bit loudly before Arabella could get up. "I'm fine. I'm fine. Five minutes and then Jackson can redo the braid. She can stay here. Stay here baby and have some more pizza. I'm sorry if I scared you." She kissed the top of Bellie's head. "Hey, since we're celebrating your graduation show, do you want to show dad the singing and dancing you did, that he missed?"

Bellie shook her head, mouth full. "Don't wanna. Wanna stay here wit you, mom."

"OK, diva. Stay right here. Mama's hungry too. I'm gonna have more of this yummy pizza with both of our favorite toppings on it."

"Yeah. Our fave tops mom." Bellie took a bite of pizza and then reached up and kissed April right on the lips.

"Yum. That kiss tasted like pepperoni." Bellie cracked up as April tickled her belly.

"'Roni kissies are the best, mom."

"You're right, Bellie, they are."

* * *

><p>"Mom, when you comin' home, 'acause I need you." Bellie asked, a few minutes later. Her hair was redone and she was back in April's lap, feeding her gummi bears. My girls got their massive sweet tooth from their mother.<p>

"Bellie…what did I say?"

"You say no askin' but you ask all da time. Hard stuff. I don't care what you say." She put one hand on her hip, staring me down. There it was, the sass. I was beginning to wonder where my daughter was all night.

"Hey. Any more sass from you, missy and we will go right home."

"It's OK, Jackson. It's OK. Baby, I miss you so much and I need you too, but I have to get better, first. And you need to watch the way you talk to your daddy, OK?"

"Ok. I sorry."

"Say sorry to your dad."

"I sorry dad. But when you comin' home mom?"

"A few weeks, sweetheart."

"What you diag-nose mom? You in the hosital so you hab a diag-nose."

My eyes widened in fear, but my wife handled it like a champ. "That's right, you are so smart Arabella. Who told you that?"

"Pop pop telled me 'acause I gonna run da Abery Found when daddy get old." Arabella giggled. She and her great-grandpa definitely had a special bond. "And I diag-nose eberyone when I play wit my 'peration doll. So, what you diag-nose mom? Why is medicine not fixin'?"

"Medicine is helping, Bellie. But it can't fix everything. Mommy's diagnosis is that I get very sad and worried sometimes and the doctors need to help me not to worry so much so I can come home and take care of my girls without getting too worried."

"Oh, Ok." Arabella shrugged. "Is a docter gon' help my sister Tenley? She get sad and worry, worry, worry too." I went white. April went white, and looked to Beth to help her with breathing exercises.

"Daddy's gonna help her, Bellz. Daddy's a doctor."

"Yeah I know. And my mommy usta sabe people lifes when they get in bad accadents."

"She did, baby. She was a great doctor. But you know what? I think mommy's really tired. And we're all done with our gummi bears, so why don't you give mommy kisses now. We'll see her soon."

"'Acause I do too much askin'? I sorry, dad. I sorry mama. Please. I want to stay."

"It's not because you did too much askin' Bellie. Not at all," April whispered to Arabella and I felt a tear in my eye. This morning, she couldn't find many words when we talked about Tenley. For our girls, she was so strong. "Mama just gets very tired at night. And it's late. It's going to be past your bedtime, soon. And this was just a visit. All visits end, right? Even though it makes us sad?"

Bellie nodded, wiping a tear from her eyes. "Yeah but can't we have a sleepober?"

"No diva, you can't do that. Tell mommy what you're starting tomorrow?" I was waiting to bring this up in therapy, because I didn't want April to feel left out of things. But desperate times, desperate measures.

"Oh yeah. I startin' gymnasties. And afer her birthday Tee startin' dancing. But I wanted to try a new thing. And we doin' swimin' to-gether."

"Oh well, then my busy girl needs her rest, right?" Bellie nodded. "So come on, give me goodbye kisses and a big goodbye hug."

They took a few minutes to say goodbye, and then it was my turn. "I'm sorry, babe. I'm so sorry." I whispered. Our diva loved to eavesdrop.

"For what, Jackson? That wasn't your fault. Or hers. It was good for me. I feel like I just took a few steps forward, and I got to do it with you here. And Bellie. While eating pizza and gummi bears and drinking orange soda. Don't apologize. It was great. But I really am tired."

"My wife is so strong."

"Mmm. My husband is too. I'm proud of you, too. I know dealing with the girls is hard for you. I love you."

"It's not, I love them. And I love you. And we're all going to be OK." I kissed her. And then she kissed me again. And again. And they felt so good, because despite what we went through that day, we were in a better place than this morning. Even if we did take a few steps back at first. No matter what was to come, we were hanging on, together. That's what mattered.

"Eww why you guys always so 'ascusting when you gibin' kissies?" Our oldest daughter snapped us back to reality and I rolled my eyes, picking her up.

"I always tell you. Because those kissies taste yummy to mommies and daddies." We were never great at holding back in front of our kids. Nothing dirty ever happened, obviously. But there were a few times early in our marriage when April put on a quick video for the kids so mom and dad could have some fun. We never hid kissing. It was healthy for our kids to see that mommy and daddy loved each other. Because we did. So much.

"Taste like 'roni kissies, dad?" Arabella asked. April and I started laughing so hard that I almost dropped Bellie. April would've caught her though. I knew it.

"Better than 'roni, Bellie." April said, making Arabella giggle. "I'll talk to you tomorrow for prayers."

"Goodnight mama." I said, walking out of the room. If I didn't, we might never get out.

"'Night mama." Bellie screamed after me.

"We love you."

"We lub you to da moon." To the moon.


	11. Chapter 10: Goodnight

**April's POV, if it comes...will have to be random. The point of this fic is mooostly Jackson's journey. But sometimes a section will scream for April and I won't need to weave it as artistically as I'd like to. That said, this first section is April's POV. I feel like it's good to know that going in. As always, thank you for the support with this. This story means so much to me, it's hard to explain. And your feedback keeps me going. **

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><p>"Who's that, Brae? Is that mama? Say hi mama, I missed you!" He handed her to me, casually. Like it was nothing. It was moments like this these past two weeks that made me realize just how clueless he was about all of it sometimes. But he was trying.<p>

"No miss! No!" she started hitting me in the face. One little slap. Two. Three. Four. Five.

"Braelyn Audrey we don't…" But Dr. Craven stopped him, softly whispering something about letting me parent. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Right in the nose. 10. "No. No. No. No." 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.

"Dr. Craven, she needs help. Why is she…" They didn't hurt. I was waiting for them to hurt. 16, 17…

"April, talk to me. What's going through your mind right now?"

"She wants to hit me, let her hit me."

"Do you allow her to hit people, regularly, April?"

"Nope."

"Well then what do you need to do, right now, what do you need to do for yourself, and for Jackson, to show him he made the right choice, tonight?"

Jackson. Right, he was watching. I held her wrists, preventing her from hitting me again. "No Brae. No hitting." Please, I almost whispered. No hitting please. I'm not ready for you on a bad day, cub.

Arabella is our diva. Tenley is our princess. And Braelyn is our little lion cub; she roared the loudest, even though, at 17-months, she spoke the fewest words. "What are you feeling? Use your words. Are you feeling mad?" From what I remembered, that was her default mood, lately. But she didn't use words. I let her hands fall and she rested her head on my chest and started bawling.

"She's probably confused April, just confused." Dr. C helped me along, a little bit. I knew that much, but my mind went blank. What did I do about it?

"Here, Jackson. Please…I…She doesn't want…." I held her to him, but the doctor stepped in front of Jackson.

"No. When Tenley is crying, what do you do?"

"I…she doesn't respond well to…she'll just start hitting again."

"April, she is sobbing into your chest!" Jackson's voice was getting shaky.

"You started this," I wanted to scream. "You just put her in my arms without even _thinking._ You don't think." But I didn't. Instead, I turned away from the two men staring at me and whispered to the child in my arms, "Ok, it's OK Brae Brae, we're both gonna get through this. Here, you wanna color, cub?" I placed her in the chair next to mine, not in my lap.

"Co cub?" she asked me, sniffling. She didn't pick up a crayon.

"Yeah, color cub! Like you do at home, see?" I picked up a coloring book and flipped to a random page. It said "K" is for Kangaroo. So I flipped to the "B" page. "Look, B is for butterfly and Braelyn."

"No!" She ripped the book out of my hand and threw it at the wall. For a split second, I felt dizzy, but I took a deep breath. I bit my lip and turned to look at Jackson and Dr. Craven behind me. They just stared, wordlessly, waiting.

"Braelyn, will you please go and pick up the coloring book that you threw at the wall, that wasn't nice."

"No!" I sighed, getting up from the table to pick up the book.

"April, do you need to do that right now or can you…"

"Yes, Jeffery, yes! I need to pick up the book because it's making me feel nervous. I am very nervous right now and neither of you are helping so…I'm going to listen to my anxiety right now, doctor. I'm not gonna tell it off." But telling _him_ off, that felt good. I used his first name, lately when I was angry at him, because it suddenly dawned on me one day that in my five years of marriage, at least one of the nights my husband stayed late was to balance a budget to make sure Jeffery Craven got paid. Maybe it was the night I was 7-months pregnant and taking care of three sick children by myself. It could have been then. So sometimes, I told him off now. He just laughed and said I was misdirecting my anger at Jackson, usually. But not right now, I wasn't.

I put the coloring book on the top of the pile, where I had gotten it, and dragged the pile toward Brae. "Here. Do you want to pick? Is that what that was about?" I laid out the stack in front of her and she picked a flower book. "Oh good choice, cub. You pick the page."

"Brae pick," she said, in her little chipmunk voice. She looked up at me and smiled, nodding, and I remembered that I loved her.

"That's right, good girl." I remembered that she was our daughter and we were good people and we loved her and we taught her how to love. And she did. She was capable. She just wasn't the baby anymore and that was confusing. Her mama was crumbling at the same time her world was changing and that wasn't fair.

She picked a sunflower page. "Can you say 'sunflower'?"

"Sunfwowie."

"Good girl." I opened up the box of 100 Crayola crayons in front of us and picked out a yellow fittingly called "Sunflower." "Sunflowers are yellow can you say 'yellow' cub?"

"Yo."

"Yell-ow."

"Yo-wow."

"Better. Good girl. Does daddy practice words with you?" She just blinked at me. That was a…maybe. I'd give him the benefit of a "Not often but I will add it to the list." Sometimes I even forgot how much I did with the girls in one day. I handed Brae the crayon and Dr. Craven cleared his throat. "Oh, now what?"

"Why aren't you letting her pick the colors by herself?"

Because just watching her scribble that yellow all over the page, on to the stem, into the sky, made me nervous. Watching her hand go round and round and round was making my head spin. I wanted to steady it, to guide it. Every voice in my head was saying "make it stop, make it stop." And I would have. Except that I was afraid touching her will put an end to our truce.

"She'll just start eating them." She'd break them, she'd throw them. Chaos. But the answer that came out of my mouth was the one that sounded sane.

"So you stop her. Or we stop her. We're not just going to sit and watch her hurt herself in any way." _But would you watch me?_ I thought.

Before I can make a decision on it Braelyn reached past me and picked out a purple crayon. She slowly lowered the crayon down to the page and was a second away from going to town when my mind decided. No. "Here Brae, here's green for the stem. Can you say green?" I slowly loosened her grip on the purple crayon, putting it back in its spot.

"NO!" She broke the green one in half and threw both pieces at me. They hit the wall. I saw Jeffery shake his head at Jackson before he could go pick up the crayon. Why wasn't I being guided through this mess, right now? I felt like I was being fed to wolves, and with each attempt the doctor made to challenge my anxiety, I felt like he was adding on some seasoning to ensure I was extra tasty.

I looked between my husband, my doctor, and my daughter. For a second, we were all frozen. And then I saw Braelyn's whole hand reach for a random group of crayons. She slid the gigantic rainbow crayon of blues, violets, browns, blacks and oranges down the page and around and around and around and…._"Shut it, make it stop, this is not Ok. Order, order, order…." _My mind kept spinning. _"Crayons, April, they're just crayons. Imagine if this was paint? He wanted to bring paint…I am failing, I'm a failure, my mom is right. I can't even color with my kid, just color. Oh no, she's turning the page…no, no, no, she'll ruin the whole book…" _Before she can turn the page I pulled it out from underneath her. She let out a giant roar and threw her handful of crayons at me. They hit the wall. Then she went into the box and grabbed another handful and threw it against the opposite wall and pushed what was remaining in the box down the center of the table. I pleaded with Jackson, tears glazing my eyes.

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><p>I saw her eyes, begging, pleading with me like they never had before, but I was frozen. Unsure of what I was watching, not sure how it got to this. And I was furious with Dr. Craven. She had given me signs. I was getting better at reading them. And every time I had tried to help the doctor would stop me. It was like he wanted her to reach rock bottom.<p>

Braelyn was hitting April again, and they were both sobbing, screaming, as confused as I was, it seemed. But at least the doctor was talking to April, advising her to move away. Brae slid from her chair and started running. I sprung into action, still not quite focused. She was too fast for me, and was almost out the door before I caught her.

"NO dad, no!" she started hitting me, but I stopped her tiny hands quickly this time, concentrating on the half whispered, half screamed conversation going on between April and Dr. Craven. His words were inaudible, they were so low. But hers. Hers were loud. Her pain was sharp enough to hurt me.

"DIZZY…I DON'T KNOW…WANNA CUT MYSELF…I DON'T KNOW WHY…I DON'T KNOW, WHY …WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME…NO, NOT HER. JUST MYSELF.." Her sobs were making it hard for her to breathe. She was having choking fits in between speaking. "NO. I PROMISE. NO. NO. I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME LIKE…YOU PROMISED." She fell to her knees in the middle of a pile of crayons before I realized that I couldn't go to her.

I had to leave. Because Braelyn was watching, while sobbing. But I wanted to stay. More than anything, I wanted to hold her. To finally prove in a big way that I would be with her. Through it all. For the whole show. But my child couldn't watch her mother like that. That was the only reason I left.

"Beth I….She's having something but I…Can you tell them I only left because," I looked down at Braelyn, in my arms.

"Of course, Jackson. You have to. You have to go. For a few minutes, at least." But one day, I would stay.

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><p>"Why were you in time out?" I asked Braelyn, in my office 20 minutes later. "Because you hit your dad? Is that nice, cub?" I bent down to her level, looking into her hazel eyes.<p>

"Hit, dada, hit." I'd taken her for a walk around the hospital to try and calm her down, but she wouldn't stop hitting. After awhile I decided it was ridiculous to let my child continue acting this way in front of people who were essentially my employees. No matter if she liked to be in motion, it wasn't helping anything. So I took her to my office and gave her a time out for the constant hitting. I knew she was emotional. But she also knew what "No" and "Stop" meant.

"Can you say sorry, dad?"

"Sowee, dad."

"Good girl. That's OK Brae. Can I have a hug, please?"

She immediately gripped my neck surprisingly tightly. I kissed her cheek, picking her up. "You're a sweet girl. It's hard, huh? Not understanding what's going on."

"Hug mama sowee." She squeaked, catching me off guard.

"I don't think we can, baby. But let's go check." I pushed some of her curly brown hair out of her eyes as she nodded against my chest. April and I had a theory about our children. Whoever one of the girls looked like, they had the other person's personality traits. So, Braelyn looked like April, but had my personality, for the most part. Tee looked more like me, but her soul was a clone of my wife's. The amount of truth behind this theory was proving to be scary lately.

"Kek." Braelyn yawned as I pushed the number 12 in the elevator.

"Check, that's right, we're going to check." I figured that even if April couldn't see us, maybe we could wave through the window, as long as she was calm enough. The baby was confused enough already. Not saying bye would only frustrate her more.

"Oh there you are." Dr. Craven stopped, when we got to the nurse's station, mid conversation with Beth.

"I'm sorry I…she needed to…I wanted to stay."

"I know Jackson, but you couldn't. It's a good thing you left when you did, she only got worse."

"Worse?"

"Afraid so. She asked for a sedative, and normally I'd make her work through things but…I think in this case it was best." He looked toward Braelyn and I nodded. "She's out like a light."

"Do you think we could go in there, quietly? Just to say goodbye? I mean, life is confusing to this one right now but especially after what happened. I think she just needs to see her and say goodbye."

"No bye! No Bye!"

"I don't see too much harm in that. Just be quiet…and the faster, the better…

"Dr. C…" My eyes begged for answers.

"I know it might be difficult for you to understand, Jackson. But that was so much progress. I can explain it to you tomorrow. Or early, Friday. I know we have a pretty early session because of Tenley's party, Friday, though."

"Tene pah-ee."

"Yeah, that's right cub. Your big sister is having a party."

"Cake!"

"Yup, there will be cake, lion," I tickled her and looked back at the doctor.

"I've got a lot to do tomorrow, so I can just, make sure to get here at 6:30, is that too early?"

"Nope, you're the boss!"

"Oh, it's not like that, I…"

He put his hand on my shoulder. "Relax, your wife has been getting mad at me lately. She likes to remind me who signs my paycheck, so to speak. I'm kidding."

I laughed nervously. "Really? That's not like her I'm…"

"Oh yes it is, Jackson. She's very proud of you and this hospital. That's part of the reason your issues are so complicated. April's proud of the work you do."

"Apil!"

"Yeah, that's mama, let's go find mama. See you Friday, Dr. C." I didn't really have time to think about how my wife being proud of me contributed to her current mental state. I could probably come up with a few ideas, but the most impatient of my children was poking at my eyes, at that moment.

"Alright, Jackson, be well."

"Come on, let's go see mama. But be quiet, shhhh!" I put my finger over my mouth before I opened the door and hoped April was sleeping on her back so Brae wouldn't be tempted to turn her over.

"Shhhh!" Braelyn imitated me, but then we walked to the side of the bed and she saw her mama. "MOM. Hi Mama, hi!"

"I said shh baby girl." April was sleeping on her side when we walked in, spooning with a pillow. My heart jumped to my throat when I saw she was imitating the position we'd slept in for five years. Except in our version, I was the big spoon. She groaned and rolled over when she heard Brae's voice.

"Da mama," Braelyn pointed.

"That's mama, you're right, but whisper, cub. Quiet." I whispered again. "Say bye bye, mama. I love you."

"NO! NO BYE BYE, NO!" Brae covered my face with her hand as she screamed, and I wondered what on Earth had possessed me to make me think this was a good idea.

April stirred again, slowly opening her eyes. "No bye bye. Come here lion cub." Her voice was raspy with sleep and it startled me. I'd very rarely heard her sound so exhausted. She reached her hands out in my general direction, and I lowered Braelyn, whose arms were also outstretched, to her chest. Once Braelyn was in her arms, she seemed to wake up a bit more, and positioned the bed more upright with a remote.

"Sorry," I said, earnestly. "I thought you took a sedative and I just thought it would be best for her to see you. We were just going to leave. I…"

"I did take a sleeping pill. Their voices or cries wake me, always. I would hear your children over 1000 sirens. They were cared for. I tried not to…I didn't neglect them." She whispered, not accusatory, not defensive. Just stating a fact.

"I know." I looked her in the eyes when I said it this time, and nodded. She had said that to me a few times, these past few weeks, but I could never look her in the eye when I lied and said I believed her. It was a strange time to have this breakthrough, but for a reason I couldn't put my finger on, something in me believed her, now.

"Wat." Braelyn pointed to the Dixie cup of water on April's nightstand.

"Say wa-ter. Do you want some water, Brae Brae?" April cleared her throat, and it was so dry I could hear the scratch.

"Wa-ter peace."

"Water please?" She kissed Braelyn's forehead. "I'm so proud of you baby. Of course you can have water." April handed Braelyn the cup and looked up at me with half a smile. "I think that's the first time she tried please, on her own, like without a prompt." I wanted to be happy with her. But it was that moment that made me realize just how much she must be suffering. Because as exhausted as she was, 40 minutes after a breakdown, she knew that was the first time Braelyn said please on her own. Braelyn, the daughter, whom, she told me this morning, triggered her the most. Even in all this pain, she was the best mama. That was bittersweet, for me.

"Brae, don't drink all of mama's…" I was too late. "Let me get you both some more. You really need to drink. Will you be…alright?"

"We'll be fine, right?" April kissed the top of Brae's head, and she nodded in agreement, closing her eyes against April.

"…Mama has to go night night, too, when Brae leaves. I'm very tired. We'll go night night at the same time. Brae in her crib and mama in bed."

"Cib." Brae yawned as I handed April her water, when I entered the room.

"Yeah daddy's gonna take you to your crib now. Goodnight, cub, mama loves you to the moon." April handed Brae to me. I watched her slowly, but literally falling asleep as we passed her.

"Moon," she said, opening her eyes and looking straight at April.

"I know you love me to the moon sweet Brae. Close your eyes."

"Goodbye," I thought I was whispering as I leaned over to peck April's lips, but she shook her head at me wildly.

Braelyn's eyes opened again. "No bye." If she wasn't too tired, she would've screamed and hit me.

"No, cub. Not goodbye, goodnight." April shooed me toward the door. "Close your eyes, baby. I promise, no bye. When you open your eyes again, mama will be there." I had been slowly backing away, but purposefully not leaving. I wanted Brae's eyes to close before I did, afraid of another outburst. The lie is what got them to close. She had said it without sadness in her voice, or tears in her eyes. She was doing what any mother would do. But I lingered a second after I closed the door and heard the sobs. I asked Beth to go to her as we passed the nurse's station.

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><p>"For serious, Tee! You knows where mama is, you knows where daddy is! I telled you, and you knows. Mama's in the hosital restin' and daddy hasta bisit her eberyday. Jus' like we get our turns, it Brae Brae's turn tonight fer her bisit. Gramma K downstairs. You knows. And Laidy in da crib, Laidy always in the crib. She don't know to walk. She don't eben do nothin' but cryin'." Something told me to stay and listen outside of Arabella's door.<p>

My two oldest girls were cuddling in Arabella's bedroom. They definitely looked like sisters, I thought. It was a weird one to have, but my life was always moving. I hardly ever took time to notice that my children looked alike. Though Tenley had my green eyes and Arabella had April's hazel ones; though Arabella's hair was a shade darker. They shared my nose, something April was overjoyed about. But when they smiled, people said Arabella turned into April and Tenley turned in to me. Strangers said it. People who didn't know their personalities.

"My mama a good mama."

"She can't be a mama right now. I telled you 'acause she worry worry worryin'. Probly 'acause Brae always messin'," Arabella sighed and lifted her hands over her covers in frustration. It was a gesture I made often lately, when they were taking a long time to do what I asked them to. It was kind of a "What is your deal?" look. But it made everyone laugh. Tee giggled at her sister. "But daddy's bein' a good daddy. Asept gramma K cook better. I ask her to leave dinners for lader acause daddy don't knows how to make it."

"She say OK?" Tenley's tone was hopeful and I laughed, almost giving myself away.

"Yeah she say what you fave, what Tee fave, what Brae Brae fave dinner mommy make 'acause she teached mommy and so I telled her you liked da chicken in da pie and I liked da chicken wit 'mato sauce and cheesy and she say she make jus' fer us."

"Good." Tee nodded and smiled. Her passi blocked it, only revealing the edges.

"And then I telled her Brae Brae fave dinner is thowin' it." Arabella cracked herself up. "Daddy does good boices fer readin'. Gooder than mama."

"Oh yeah, my dad do dat gooder."

"They both our mommy and both our daddy."

"I knows dat."

"You weird sometimes, Tee." Tenly shrugged. "My fave boice is da Curious Georgie. Das the silliest."

"My favie is Madaline's. He talk silly like a girl."

"Mama comin' soon den maybe once fer bedtime daddy can teach mommy gooder boices. Maybe once if he not workin' or at Abery Found." Knife in my gut.

"Yeah. I miss my mama."

I couldn't take anymore. "Heeey, " I said, in mock surprise. "What is Tee doin' in here? Am I in the right place? 'Cause I thought the door said Arabella Catherine. Am I wrong?" They both giggled.

"No dad! Gramma K jus' dropped somethin' and Tenley gotted scared, come fer cuddlin'."

"Oh, Ok. You confused me a sec. Did you sleep in your bed, Tee?"

Tenley shrugged. "I try, my dad. Early fer seepin. Was playin' but I gotted scared." It was only 7: 30.

"And what were you doing little miss?"

Arabella touched her nose to mine. "Readin', " she said, in my face, pointing to the pile of books forgotten on her floor.

"Well how about I read two stories and we do prayers in here and then time for bed?" They both nodded.

"I seep wit my dad pease? 'Acause I always do fer not to be scared." She took the passi out when talking to me. She had me wrapped around her finger lately, but she knew her dad didn't play when it came to her new-found love for passis.

"Yes, Tenley."

"No you room."

"Not my room." I hadn't slept there since the fist night April was away, and I actually didn't mind that. Tenley needing me meant I didn't have to face April not being in bed at night. I was never going to fight, when she asked. And she knew to ask, too; she knew if she didn't ask she'd be right in her big girl bed without me. "Hey Tee, why didn't you ask grandma for cuddles?"

"Not time fer bed. Just wants my daddy an' sissy an' my mommy."

Arabella sighed, and I knew what was coming. I stopped it before her frustration could start. "OK, let's pick books girls. Let me guess what each of you wants." I walked over to Bellie's bookshelf. They both had the same variety of books. Avery's could afford to buy quadruples of everything, and when one of them outgrew a book, they picked where to donate it, the church or the hospital. That was the deal April and I made when I convinced her to build separate libraries, so each one could grow with that kid's tastes. Bellie and Tenley stayed on similar paths with bedtime stories, for now. "I think you would like a Curious George tonight, diva," I pointed at her and threw her the book. "And what does Princess Tee want tonight…hmmm…maybe Madeline."

Tenley stared at me, opening her mouth in amazement and letting her passi fall as I threw her a Madeline book, but Bellie was skeptical. "How you knows dat, dad?" she huffed.

I shrugged, flashing a sly smile. "I know my girls." Slowly. Slowly, I was getting to know them better. But tonight, I learned that even in her worst moments, April knew our children best.

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><p>"Tee, go meet daddy in the room, I'll be right there, five minutes. I gotta tuck Bellie in," I said, after stories and prayer. She nodded, toddling off to go cherish a few more minutes with her passi. They had asked for April, but knew she didn't call for prayers every night.<p>

"Thank you for taking care of your sister." I kissed Bellie's forehead.

"Oh no big deal." Her voice went an octave high when she said deal. I loved it.

"It is a big deal. You are a good sister."

"She ony need two Mary Macks tonight."

"I don't know what that means."

"It a sissy's ony 'asept Brae don't knows it. Or Laidy 'acause dey liddle."

"Is that like the girls only rules you had with mom? You know even mama told you those are OK to tell daddy."

"You jus' say I a good sissy, now you makin' me be a bad sissy," Arabella rolled her eyes and fell back on her pillows, smacking her face with her hand like I did to let the girls know I thought they were acting crazy. "Make up you mind, pizza face." She laughed at herself.

"Hey, who are you callin' pizza face, I think there's only two Avery faces in here. And I think one of them's a daddy Avery so you should be careful what you call him." I tickled her.

"It jus' a joke dad. But I don't wantsa tell you sissys only or mama it 'acause den it not fer sissys ony anymore, please?"

Because it was getting late, I gave in and tucked her in, kissing her goodnight without another word about it. But considering the fact that the girls only was pretty much list of April's behavior when she was sad or anxious, that Arabella had learned to keep secret from me, I filed this in the back of my mind.

To April's credit, the girls only had started innocently enough, when she bought them donuts or something special. She'd say, "Remember, this is a girls only, don't tell daddy." But I don't think she cared if I knew things, then.

April got pregnant with Adelaide, and then, very slowly, the depression started. She would do things like cuddle with the kids in bed all day, feeding them boxed food, instead of getting up. Or, she would sleep all day and just feed Braelyn when it was time, leaving the older girls to fend for themselves. Arabella started classifying that as girls only, too.

April and Arabella told me about this the night we told the girls she was pregnant with Laidy, but April was very convincing about it. She was able to make me believe it happened once or twice. And now she was having nervous breakdowns because of purple crayons. Anything with "only" at the end of it as not to be ignored for long. I knew that now.

"My dad!" Tenley smiled when I came in the guest room, running over to shut off the cartoons before I helped her in bed. Usually I came in after she was asleep, but tonight I was so exhausted I said goodnight to Karen, put Brae down, then put pajamas on and eavesdropped on the girls. I knew I'd be out as soon as I heard Tee's steady breathing.

"My princess!" I said, throwing her down on the bed and tickling her before I put the covers over her.

"I need you fer good dreams my dad," she said, after I turned off the light and slid in bed next to her, pulling her close. She woke up if she didn't feel me near her. It was a problem I knew I should've addressed days ago when I noticed it.

"I need you for good dreams too, my girl." I wasn't lying. "Hey you wanna know somethin' cool, Tee?"

"What?"

"After this sleep, your birthday party is one sleep away."

Tenley giggled. "You telled Arelle da mermaid, my dad?"

"I did. She's comin." Another giggle, louder this time.

"You telled da prince too?"

"No way! Why do you need him? You don't need him. Only boys you need there is Dad and Uncle Alex, maybe Uncle Derek."

"Yeah, but Flounder 'loud in."

"Ok, I think he's comin' with Ariel."

"They bes' friends. Do eve-ding agether. My mama is my bes' friend. She not comin'.

"She's not. But We're gonna take pictures and video and nana is comin'."

"Dat is good, my dad. Ur-la not comin'. No way?"

It was a question. She was looking at me for confirmation. "No way! No bad octopus allowed."

She smiled, kissing my cheek "I love you. Time fer my sleeping."

I chuckled. "Ok, Tee. Close your eyes. Sweet dreams. I love you."

"To da moon?" she mumbled.

I hadn't known this was a thing in my house until April was gone. But it seemed to calm all my girls down. "Yes. I love you to the moon, Tenley Justine."


	12. Chapter 11: Control

**Hi everyone! I had to push through a bit of writer's block for this one, but I hope it was worth the wait. Now seems like a good time to say I don't own any of the Grey's Anatomy characters or songs in this chapter. But I did think up Tenley Justine Avery myself. And I love her. So it breaks my heart that these things had to happen on her birthday. As always, you are welcome to share thoughts!**

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><p>"Why did my mom insist we go to the supermarket as soon as I picked her up from the airport, even though I'm catering the party, April?"<p>

I could picture her, wearing a fishtail braid and biting her lip on the other side of the phone. "To get stuff to make the coconut cream pie?" she whispered.

"What was that?" I'd head her.

"To make Tenley's birthday pie." It was a statement this time.

"April, what's a birthday pie?"

"Jackson, you're going to far…I…I'm tired. Wait until morning. OK? I'll see you at 7."

"Push through April, for me. What's a birthday pie?"

She sighed. "It's this thing I do on their actual birthday. Once they're two. We always have a party, but you were never off on their actual birthday. I make them a pie, OK? A pie they love and in the morning we open one present and eat a little bit of pie. And then at lunch we would have a little bit of pie and then at dinner. What was I supposed to do, pretend it wasn't their birthday? They were asleep before you got home, babe. I know you were always at the party, but the party wasn't their birthday."

"April, but you kept it a secret, why?"

She started to cry. "Because you weren't there. Jackson. If I told you I ate pie with them on their actual birthday, what? Would you have stayed home?"

"No! I…I don't know. You just make it like it's all me, sometimes. But you hid stuff, April. You hid stuff."

"What's your point, Jackson? Get to the point, please." I heard her wiping tears from her eyes.

"Maybe…just maybe it would've made me stop to think. Maybe I would've gotten it, a little bit. It's not fair. You were hiding things."

"OK, well, I don't know what you want from me. You're still gonna let me video chat with Tee, tomorrow, right? Before the party?" That last part was barely audible.

"I don't know, April. Maybe after. Maybe after."

"Please, Jackson."

"I love you. Goodnight, April."

"Jackson…" then she sighed, giving up. "Goodnight."

* * *

><p>I sat across from Dr. Craven, sliding one of the coffees I had in my hand across his desk. "Cream, no sugar. Wild guess. Woke up my wife and left her a caramel soy thing. You wanted to see me, Dr. C?"<p>

"Wow, you're on top of your game today, huh?"

"I'm tryin. It's a very important day, today."

"Yeah, I know. We'll talk about that later, I'm guessing. But let's jump right in, shall we? I just wanted to make sure you understood what happened, Wednesday?"

"Well, yeah. Brae triggered her, right? And then she flipped."

"It's a little more complicated than that. Usually with an OCD episode, the pattern is trigger, obsession, compulsion. Can you guess what happened with April, that day? It was a little different."

"Well, like I said, she was definitely triggered. But…I'm sorry I just saw her triggered, doc. And you not let me help her."

"It doesn't get her anywhere, if you take away her triggers in a controlled environment. She'd never make it home. Her usual pattern, when the kids trigger her, is…. trigger, obsess about hurting the child, hurt herself."

I swallowed so hard, he heard it. "Every time?"

"No. Sometimes she'd just needs to get away from them, go clean or something. But Wednesday she went right from trigger to compulsion, so that kind of shook her up a little bit. "

"I don't…what does that mean?"

"So she was triggered and she had anxiety. But usually, especially with Braelyn, she has that obsession. And she didn't. She went right to wanting to hurt herself, but of course, she can't do that here. That made her breakdown a little bit worse."

"But you said I didn't even see the worst of it, right? What happens?"

"She got dizzy, angry…there's tears, a headache, sometimes. She asked for meds pretty quick. I think she had a feeling you wouldn't leave."

I nodded, solemnly. "So…where do we go from here?"

"Well, I just wanted to make sure you understood that that was progress. I know it's the first time you've seen a breakdown, from the beginning. I just wanted to check in with you."

"I get it…I just…my kid was there, that scared me a little. " The doctor nodded. "And, she hides things, doctor. She hides them well and…." I let my sentence evaporate. "How many…how often does that happen?"

"Well, I imagine it happens more with the behavioral therapist. I'm just the general psychiatrist. I see her four times a week, and then also at the sessions with you. I wanted to commend you on that by the way. I see how committed you are to the process. I rarely see that, with spouses, at this level."

I shrugged. "Yeah well, I love her. We've in love. And she's got little girls to get back to, and me. I want her back. Plus, I own this place, so…how would it look if I didn't show up? "

He picked up his coffee and motioned for me to head to the door to so we could go meet April. "Not everyone cares, Jackson. It's OK to care."

* * *

><p>"April, who is the only person you've ever let yourself lose control for?"<p>

"Dr. C, I wanna talk about why he's conflicted about letting me talk to Tenley, today."

"We're gonna get there, April. Answer the question."

"Jackson Harper Avery." She pointed at me from her chair across the room and looked down at her lap. She was not about to be sitting near me on any couch, today.

"When?"

"When did I give up control for him?" Dr. Craven nodded. "When I gave him my virginity."

"Keep going."

"At my wedding. When I ran. I didn't feel in control, then. I mean, I made the choice, but…"

"Those aren't the ideal circumstances to get married under, for anyone," Dr. C commented. I just cleared my throat, suddenly very interested in re-tying my Nikes. "Go on."

"When we have…I mean had sex, before we were married I…"

That got my attention. "Whoa. Stop. You had total control, then."

"Not over myself, Jackson." She whispered and looked away.

"Exactly, Jackson. I didn't ask who she gives control to, just who she's lost it for. Sometimes she gives it to you, and sometimes it's just lost. You weren't controlling her when she gave you her virginity, but she definitely felt out of control, right?" April nodded. "That's important. And do you feel forced, into these situations?"

"Well yeah, we kind of force each other into them. But not in an aggressive way."

"Tell Jackson what it feels like to lose control, for him."

April bit her lip. "Good, most of the time, because I love him so much. But scary at times. He was there for me though, he took care of me."

"You used past tense pretty deliberately it seemed. When do you feel like he stopped taking care of you?"

"I don't know, somewhere around Brae I guess." I looked away as she started to cry again. The only thing I've ever wanted to do since she took my hand and ran with me is take care of her, love her, protect her. Maybe I'd failed on two out of the three, but I hope she still felt my love.

"Ah! What happened?"

"She was a girl. And maybe we panicked a little bit. Maybe he just started thinking of me as mommy then, because we knew…" She paused, overwhelmed by tears. I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Knew what, April?"

"We both knew we had to have another. But we didn't talk about it."

"Why did you have to have another baby, April?"

"Because she's a girl. He needs an heir, doctor. It's expected of me."

"April…" But I still had no words. She was right. That was an unspoken expectation, put on both of us, in the past. We felt it every time we told someone the sex of our new baby.

"And then Adelaide was a girl…" April nodded, steady silent tears streaming down her face.

"And when you found out she was a girl, you checked out, didn't you?"

"I tried not to! I love her! I swear. I…I'm trying…" She begged someone, probably me, to believe her.

"That's when your depression got bad, isn't it? When you found out you were having a girl?" April nodded. "What happened?"

"I love my kids. But I just…some days it was all I could do just to take care of the 11 month old, because Brae's the one that needed me. But she's always been difficult, fussy. It was a struggle. I always made sure they had food, though. And if they cried, I heard them. I wasn't lying."

"I know." I said it to the floor.

"Sometimes, he'd be in Boston or have a double shift or something. So, I'd order in a lot and the house would get messy. But I always gave myself time to get everything together for when he got home. And then, one day I decided if I just…did things a certain way then…I could, handle it all. And I was wrong. Obviously."

Dr. Craven had been watching me carefully, while she was speaking.

"Explain more about what happened with Adelaide to Jackson."

"He…you decided that, for some reason, because you knocked me up four times I was this supermom. I love my kids. I've always wanted to be a mom. That's part of the reason I ran to him. Because I saw myself having kids with him."

I scoffed. "With me?" Especially then, I was the lesser man, in that regard.

"Don't smirk at me. Yes. With you. But I never wanted to be just a mom."

"I didn't ask you to do that, April. You made that choice."

"Because I had to…" It was barely a whisper.

"What do you mean, you had to, April? Why did you feel you had to?"

"Because all he does is work…I wasn't even off maternity leave when I found out I was pregnant with Laidy. It just made sense, with his work schedule. He didn't…he never had to…he wasn't the one sacrificing when we had two, so…"

"That's not fair! I was there. I'm here. We worked out a schedule fine with two. We could have with four."

"Every time you had to go to Boston, sometimes for a week at a time, who was home with the girls?"

"April! That's not being absent, that's not neglecting you. I'll tell you what neglect is. Neglect hugging your five-year-old son goodbye in the morning and never coming home! Neglect is leaving your wife alone to figure out her place within a medical dynasty. It's never calling, never trying, never coming back! That's neglect! I called the girls every night that I could. I'm here! I'm staying. I am not an absent father. Not at all!" Somehow I held back tears, held back screams. Not today. I couldn't do it today.

"Do you want to leave?" Again, she couldn't meet my eyes.

"NO! NO! God, I love you! I've never loved someone before, honestly. I'd never been in love. Obviously I've been failing for five years."

"No you haven't! I love you. I know you love me, and the girls. I know you've been there. I just…You love us but you live in your own little word and I…I just started feeling alone with the girls. And all I kept thinking of was this 5th baby I was going to have to have. And then Adelaide wasn't latching and…it just made bonding hard. The rules just made it easier to handle things I couldn't control. You and the baby. The future." She shrugged. "It's not really all that complicated."

"Jackson? Anything to say?"

"I just…I get it all. Except this 5th baby thing. I know the pressure is there. But you know it's not…we're not having another baby, and that's fine."

"What do you mean we're not having another baby?"

"April are you…Please tell me you're not…" I don't think I'd ever been so scared in my life.

"No. No. I took a test, I'm not but…Why do you look so…"

"Relieved? April, you're in the middle of all this and you're thinking about…You could've hurt her and…"

"NO! NO! I couldn't. I didn't. Don't say that! Please."

"Fine, OK, I'm sorry…I just can't believe…You were just telling me how disconnected you feel from our baby and now you're saying you want another?"

"Not tomorrow." She blinked, ashamed.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the couch. "This is all so confusing. I'm so…what if it's not a boy April? What then?"

She shrugged. "We try one more time. We have a little while. Not too long but…"

I massaged my temples, trying to keep my cool. "I don't even know what's happening right now…what do you even want? I thought we were working toward you going back to work, April!"

"Right now I just want to get back to my family. I want it to be like it was before. And if that means we have another kid, then…maybe I can just have a position on the board or on the foundation or…"

"What was before?"

"With three. With Braelyn. Those first couple of months. I did alright. I was happy enough. Maybe I just need a little bit of work."

"April! I can't just give you a position on the board. Maybe the foundation. But…" I opened my eyes and looked at Dr. C, hoping for once he could see how much I needed help.

"April, why is it so important to you to have more children?"

"Because," she blushed. "Sex has never been our problem. I love making babies with you, Jackson. And I really do want a baby boy. And maybe, I feel like I need to…for myself I need to…do better. I've been failing with Laidy and Brae and…"

"April, they are so young. You can't say you failed with either of them yet. Braelyn has a strong personality. Yes, she's a firecracker, but that little girl loves you. I saw it. And you love her. I saw that, too. Sure, you started off rocky because she was cranky and confused the other day but…you love her so much babe. I know that. And I'll bring Laidy soon. Maybe this weekend I'll bring the baby and Tee. Do you think two…do you think you can handle two?"

"Maybe not the first time she sees the baby, though."

"Alright so…I'll bring Tee one day and then the baby and…we can have a little party one day or something. Slow down, babe. Focus on the kids that are here." She nodded, slowly.

"But I want to talk to Tee, today. I'm sorry I hid the pie thing. I hid a lot of stuff from you out of anger and I know that was wrong. But I was also…sick."

"I don't know April…I'm really nervous about you talking to her before this party. She gets upset and…You understand why I want to avoid that, today, right?"

"Jackson, please. I've always been there to wake up every one of my children, on their birthday." Her eyes, they got me every time. And I felt guilty. Because that had never been a priority for me. Of course I'd call my daughters on their birthday if I was out of town or at work. And I was there for the huge party my wife had learned to spare no expense for over the years. But something like waking them up with their favorite pie one morning to see their first smile of the year never crossed my mind, before. I was learning that these things were important, and my wife was helping me do that, even while trying to become a better parent herself.

So she was on Facetime at 9 a.m. when I went into Tee's room to wake her up. "Good morning princess, rise and shine. You have visitors waiting for you already, birthday girl." She groaned and rolled over on her back, rubbing her eyes with her tiny fists. "Come on, Tenley. Nana made your birthday pie. Wake up and eat a piece with daddy."

That got her attention. "Bir-day pie today? And party?" she asked, green eyes wide open.

"Yeah, Tenley. Today is the day you were born and your party. Did you think your mama would forget your birthday pie?"

Tenley gasped and smiled. "My mama?"

"Yeah, she's right here. Sit up and say hi." I had never seen Tenley move faster this early in my life. She might have a little bit more of April in her personality, but we shared a dislike for morning.

"Hi princess. How are you today?"

"My mama. I misses you."

"I miss you too, big girl, how does it feel to be three?" Technically, at 10:38 p.m. she would be three. But that was way past bedtime.

"Feels ok. But I want my mama to be here 'acause I meetin' Arelle for firs' time to-day." I grinned at her excitement. One thing I was proud of as a father was that I made sure my children had fun, whether I was there or not. Seeing Tenley's smile made me realize it was so much better to be there, though. I never wanted to miss one again.

"I know. I'm sorry, Tee. But why don't you try some of that coconut cream pie and tell me how it is. I told nana how to make it just for you. And tell me who's on that plate, daddy just gave you?"

"Nother plate?" Tenley looked down, nervously. She loved her plate with all of the different sections so much, but her attachment to it worried me. Her face brightened when she saw the bottom, though. I made sure not to cover Ariel's face with pie. "Oh, Arelle here my mom…jus' a picture. 'Cause she meetin' me today."

"That's right my girl. You're going to have so much fun today. Why aren't you eating baby? Tell me how yummy it is!"

Tenley looked at me. "Dis mines plate?" she asked, still nervous.

"Yeah, it's your new big girl plate. Arabella picked it out for you and she was so excited for you to eat on it like she eats on all her big girl plates."

"Oh," Tenley looked down, frowning. "But I likes aparts fer one food, aparts fer nex' food, aparts fer nex' food." She demonstrated the different sections of her other plate with her hands.

"But big girls eat all the food on one plate, no sections. I know you can, Tee."

"Tenley, tell mama. How many different foods are on your plate right now?" April asked.

"Jus' coco ceam pie, my mom," Tenley said, looking at the plate to make sure.

"So why do you need aparts, my love? There's nothing to keep it apart from, silly girl!" April was exaggerating her words to make it seem like no big deal. But I was sitting right next to Tee on the edge of the bed. My phone was in my hand. That was a flash of anxiety on her face, no mistaking it.

"Oh yeah, you is right, my mama." Still, I thought I saw her tiny hand trembling a little bit as she went in to take a bite. "So yummy, my mom! I gon' save you some fer when you home."

"Maybe silly. Maybe save me some. Hey your dad hasn't had a slice, I think he wants to share your same plate with you, can you share a plate with daddy, Tee?" she asked.

I slowly cut myself a small piece of pie. "Umm…I don't likes to do dat."

"Please, princess? I wanna try your new plate. You're a good sharer of toys."

She thought for another second, and then shrugged. "OK. 'Cause I love my dad and 'cause it same, coco ceam too."

April let out a breath. "Good girl. I love you so much, Tenley Justine."

"I love you too, my mom. We gon' sing happy day?"

"I will sing happy birthday to you, if you'd like. But Tee, tell me, who is sitting next to you?"

Tenley looked at April like she was crazy. "Dat my dad, he you husby."

April laughed. "He is my hubby, you're right. But did you know you could just call him dad? He will answer you. You don't have to say 'my dad.'"

Tenley rolled her eyes. This seemed like something she'd been through before. "I knows. I jus' likes to 'cause he my dad. OK?"

April sighed. "OK Tenley." We sang happy birthday and opened one present with April, a huge anthology of Madeline stories.

As soon as Tee said goodbye to April, she bolted from the guest room toward Arabella's room, before I could hang up. I followed her down the hall out of curiosity. I had never seen her move with such urgency.

April distracted me for a minute, though. Because before she disconnected the call, she looked up at me, face pale. Her sadness was palpable even through the screen. "I'm sorry, Jackson. I'm so sorry."

* * *

><p>"Bellie pease wake up, pease!" I watched from the middle of Arabella's room.<p>

"What you wants, Tee? Geez!" Arabella groaned and yawned, sitting up. She didn't have much choice, with her sister bouncing on her bed.

"Need Mary Mack! Pease."

"Oh geez. We jus' waked up."

"It's my bir-day. Member you say any times on today we can."

"Fine!" Arabella wiped sleep out of her eyes and began the hand-clapping game.

_"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack_

_All dressed in black, black, black_

_With silver buttons, buttons, buttons_

_All down her back, back, back._

_She asked her mother, mother, mother_

_for fifty cents, cents, cents_

_To see the elephants, elephants, elephants  
><em>

_Jump the fence, fence, fence._

_They jumped so high, high, high_

_they reached the sky, sky, sky_

_And didn't come back, back, back_

_Till the 4th of July, ly, ly!_

_(July can't walk, walk, walk_

_July can't talk, talk, talk_

_July can't eat, eat, eat_

_With a knife and fork, fork, fork)._

_She asked her mother, mother, mother_

_For 5 cents more, more, more_

_To see the elephants, elephants, elephants_

_Jump over the door, door, door._

_They jumped so low, low, low_

_They stubbed their toe, toe, toe_

_And that was the end, end, end,_

_Of the elephant show, show, show!"_

They sang the song three times, at Tenley's insistence and didn't stop the hand motions for one second. She simply said "Again" at the end of the song and without missing a beat they'd start over. Clap both hands, clap left hands, clap their own hands, it was all too fast for me to keep up with, but I watched quietly.

"Feel better, Tee? Why so much worryin'."

"My mama call on video. Say happy bir-day."

"Why you worryin' 'acause dat?"

Tenley shrugged. "You gaved me big girl plate!"

"Hey!" Arabella suddenly noticed me watching them. "That was my present for to give my sissy."

"I know diva, but we had birthday pie and so I thought she might like to have it on there."

"Birthday pie a girls ony, Dad!" Arabella huffed.

"Well your mom isn't here, so she's telling me them." More like, I'm finding out about them whether she likes it or not. "You both need to get dressed. Tee, go in your room, I think someone bought you a special dress. Call Nana or Grandma K if you need help, I think they're both downstairs."

"My Nana here?"

"Nana's here, yes. You can go say hi if you want." Tenley darted off, and Bellie started to follow. "You hold your horses missy. You're right in your room, you get dressed first. But I want to talk to you."

"You mean do askin'." Bellie crossed her arms and eyed me, fiercely. She was way too smart for her own good.

"You caught me. Because I want to help Tee. That was the sister's only from the other night, right? The Mary Macks?" Bellie nodded, not speaking a word. "Why does Tee ask you to do that?" She tightened her lips, shaking her head back and forth, her braid whipping wildly from one shoulder to the other. "Come on Arabella, remember you told dad and mama that you wanted someone to help Tee? Well I need to know so I can help her. I promise, that's the only reason."

"Fine!" she sighed. "It's for helpin' her to stop worryin'. Do it two times for little worry, three times for big worry, more times for so so so so so much worryin'. Dat was 'noying dad. All day."

"When did you do it all day?"

"Firs' day in day care, 'atil Aunt Mer say 'Come wit me Aberys.'"

My girls had painfully good memories, sometimes. "Well today, if she asks you again, I want you to say 'Tee, go to daddy. He will help you not feel worried.' Deal?"

A huge smile came across her face and she nodded. "Deal. Wants me to teach you Mary Mack fer helpin' her?"

"No sweetheart."

Bellie wrinkled her nose. "Then how you gon' help dad?"

"I have a few tricks up my sleeve, don't you worry, diva. Who taught you that anyway? You girls are good at that."

"Oh mama did 'acause she the best at it, dad. Mama and Aunt Kimmie goes so so so so so so so faster and faster and faster than me and Tee eber do it."

"Ah!" I don't know why I even asked. Of course April was the best at hand-clapping games, having three sisters herself. I wished she could be excited passing traditions on to her four girls. But because of my name, our name, the name she insisted on sharing with me when we got married, in every aspect of her life, she couldn't. Each time we saw a little girl on that ultrasound monitor, a little piece of her heart was shaved away. My worst fear had become a reality, no matter how much she tried to hide it from me.

"This way I share your burden," she'd said that day, feigning cheer as we signed the paperwork. She's always known that I viewed my name as a curse more than a privilege. She thought we could change that together. I'd had hope. I tried to have hope, for her.

"OK Bellie girl, time to get dressed. Are you ready to party with your sister?"

She nodded. "I gon' wear a pink dress. But what I gibin' now? 'Acause you gaved my plate."

"I know sweetie, I'm sorry. But I needed to. How many presents do mama and daddy get our girls on their birthday?"

"Oh so many, dad. 'Specially Tee 'acause she the goodest."

"Well I don't know about that. Do you wanna give her Ariel's under water castle or the Ariel jewelry box? And remember, you got the tutu."

"She gettin' jew-er-y? Mama a-ways say no touchin' hers."

"Just like yours, baby. Like yours with Tiana on it. Not like mama's." Mamas. Filled with diamonds that had been in the Avery family for generations. Including one to give her for each year of marriage for 58 years. Grandma Genevieve had married Harper at 19 and stuck by his side for 58 years until cancer won. She had 58 diamonds that got bigger each year, not including the engagement ring. So technically, 59 diamonds were left to me in my grandmother's will. "To my grandson, for his wife." That's the only reason she got them, along with whatever gift I bought. Because my grandmother wanted it that way. But my daughters only had earrings and plastic jewelry for now. "Do you want help?"

"No! I a big girl, dad. Don't need you helpin'." There was more truth to that statement than I wanted there to be. She wasn't even five, but she was growing up fast. Between Tenley, Braelyn and Adelaide, I was very thankful that at least one of my kids was holding it together. Of course I knew she still needed me, but just a little bit less than her sisters. And that helped.

* * *

><p>"Oh wow, you look so pretty, Tenley. Who bought you that dress?"<p>

"My mama boughted it." It was a cotton dress with Ariel's face on the top next to a big purple three, with a purple ruffle skirt at the bottom. My mother got it made for her as soon as I figured out what type of party she was having. April had nothing to do with buying the dress. My mother smacked me when I gave her a look, thankfully lighter than she normally would because I had two babies in my arms.

"Shut up," she whispered, taking Brae from me. "How are you, Brae? Come to Nana."

"Shut up!" Obviously Nana wasn't quiet enough. I handed one baby to each grandmother and went in the fridge to find a bottle.

"Tee wanna come in the living room and help daddy give Adelaide a bottle? I need your help."

"I can't get da baby droolin' on my dress, my dad."

"I hold the baby, you hold the bottle." Like always.

"Fine my dad," she was confused, but too obedient to refuse me.

"How did you feel after you talked to mom, today?" I asked, when we were alone with the baby.

"Oh good my dad. Dat pie was yummy."

"Did it make you feel sad? Or nervous?"

Tenley suddenly became very concentrated on feeding the baby. "Oh…yeah." It was not even a whisper.

"That's why you play Miss Mary Mack? It helps you feel calm?"

"Yeah…feel bedder."

She didn't have words for anxiety yet, I knew that. "Because you miss her?"

"Yeah, should come home now, my dad."

"I wish she could too, my girl. What else makes you nervous?"

"I don't know my dad…I don't." I could see the tears coming, but that wasn't the point of this.

"No birthday tears Tee. I just want you to tell daddy today, every time you feel nervous, I want you to tell me. Not Bellie. Not even Nana or Grandma K." The last thing I needed today was a lecture. "You just say I need dad, and you come find me and I will help you. Deal?"

"You wants ta learn Mary Mack? Bellie can teach you good."

"No. Dad's gonna help you a different way."

She stopped making faces at Laidy and looked up at me earnestly. "How?"

"Daddy has super secret special ways to calm down Tee," I promised. But I wish I knew what they were.

The party was a hit. We had cotton candy and pictures with Ariel and sing along time, story time and a bouncy sandcastle. I hadn't seen my daughter smile as much in two weeks as she did when she was whispering and smiling in Ariel's arms.

It was smaller than our parties normally were, just the hospital crowd really. I didn't know Tenley's playgroup friends, if she even did playgroup anymore, and she wasn't in school yet. I was trying to keep our lives as low key as possible, lately. But the least a three-year-old's birthday party should have is a bouncy sandcastle and cotton candy and their favorite character. Oh, and face painting and cake and snow cones later. That's the _least_ an Avery girl should have on her birthday.

My mom was trying to be pretty stealth about all the pictures and video she was taking. I wasn't quite sure why. I was documenting the day for April too, but I let it go. It was best not to question Catherine Avery unless you were 120 percent prepared for the answer, that much I knew.

Everything was perfect. And then it was lunch time.

"Dad, my sister Tee needs you. Now!" Arabella poked her head through the bouncy castle, eyes wide.

"Well, will you please tell your sister Brae that it's time to stop bouncing now, and start eating?" Brae looked into my eyes and gave me an evil giggle, sprinting to the other side of the castle. "I'm gonna get you, cub. I'm gonna get you and make you eat chicken nuggies and French fries. It's happening, I promise," I told her, right before lunging and finally capturing her.

"Hurry up 'acause Tee cryin' and Aunt 'Melia can't eben get her to stop."

Aunt Amelia was Tee's favorite. She understood that sometimes a girl just needed to color in the corner in peace. It was something both adults and children sometimes begrudged my daughter for at social events. But Aunt Amelia often joined Tee in the corner, with an eye roll and a smile. "These people are crazy, huh Tee?" she'd offer, and they'd share a laugh.

Owen was her godfather, and so she was convinced that the baby in Aunt Amelia's pop was her sister. So, especially today, I had noticed, she was pretty stuck to Amelia's side.

"Why are you such a crazy monkey, huh?" I asked Braelyn, as I swung her upside down on our way to the table.

"I mon-kee."

"Yeah, you monkey. Here sit next to the birthday girl. What's the matter, Tenley?" I kissed the back of her head, and looked down at her plate, untouched. "You have your plate for one more day, princess. Aunt Amelia put the nuggies in one part and the French fries in another part and the ketchup in another part, what's wrong?"

Arabella rolled her eyes as I wiped a tear from Tenley's eyes, preventing it from falling on to a chicken nugget. "She don't want to eat wit her fingies. No big deal, Tee, see?" She took a big bite of a chicken nugget and I grabbed the restof it from her hand, giving it to Braelyn.

"Now dat is gross, dad." Bellie laughed at me, but Tenley stayed quiet. This was the first time she ever had trouble eating finger foods.

"What are you feeling, Tee, tell me."

She motioned for me to kneel closer to her, so she could whisper in my ear. "Scared," she whispered.

"Why?" I whispered back, putting my hand to her ear to respect her need for privacy.

"Hands dirty."

"Do you want to go wash them with daddy? We don't have to tell anyone what we're doing."

"Yes, pease."

So we washed our hands together, our own secret mission. "Daddy, pease cut up da nuggies? Say one, a cut, two a cut, th-ree, a cut? Pease?" she asked, before we made it back outside.

"But why Tee, we just washed your hands?"

"I feelin' nervy. Pease cut it up?"

"Why are you feeling nervous, huh? Tell daddy." I lifted her up, placing a kiss on her cheek.

"So many peoples, my dad. But not my mommy."

"I know sweetheart, I know. But it's not that many people. And Ariel is here, and Sandra."

"Oh yeah, my dad! Sandra's the best friend." Tee and Bokhee's granddaughter got along well whenever they got together.

"OK, so lets go eat with Sandra and then after lunch we're gonna do arts and crafts and have cake and snow cones! Isn't that exciting, little sugar fiend?"

She wrinkled her nose at me. "Eat da snow? It not snowin'."

I laughed. "No, it's like an icy you make yourself. But first we have nuggies and French fries to eat. Are you ready?"

"Ok. But cut it up, my dad." I sighed.

"Alright, my girl. But you have to eat the French fries with your fingers, deal? Your hands are clean." She nodded.

"Dad, I go back in da bouncie? I a good girl. I eated eberything all up wit my fingies!"

"Yeah, Arabella, go in the bouncie." I dismissed her, sitting down next to Tee.

"My Dad? I a good girl too, right?" I saw she was on the verge of tears.

"Of course, baby. You're my good birthday girl. But you have to eat." She nodded, and I started to cut. "One…" we said, together. "Two." I moved on to the next chicken nugget, not knowing what would trigger her. Did I say three? Or one? If I got it wrong, would she have a meltdown?

She answered for me, starting over at one. We did that six times, for six nuggets, while all her aunts and uncles watched on, sadness in their eyes.

It was my mother who got me through it, surprisingly. She saw the tears in my eyes when I looked up at her and nodded at me. "You're a good dad," she whispered, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You do what she needs to get through it, forget about everyone else."

"I eatin' nuggies first all up. Den fries nex', all up."

"How you eat a nugget, then a French fry, then a nugget. Until they're all gone. Can you do that for me?"

"OK," Tenley pouted, sad. "I will try to do dat, my dad." But she did it, for me. She ate a whole plate of nuggets and French fries, and drank a whole cup of fruit punch. All the while she was counting under her breath, but she got through it. I was proud. I thought we'd made it through the storm.

But then, arts and crafts happened. I don't know what made me think sand art was a good idea. Even if everything went smoothly, it was going to be difficult for her. And then Braelyn accidentally knocked over her castle, spilling multicolored sand everywhere, and I learned what a storm was.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no." Tenley bolted inside, tears streaming down her face. I ran after her, enveloping her in my arms before she could get to the stairs.

I carried her to the den and laid down on the floor with her, letting her kick and scream and cry for a few minutes. "Shhh, birthday girl. Shhh! That's enough crying now. Are you feeling nervous because Brae spilled her sandcastle?" She trembled involuntarily against me and nodded. "You know it was an accident, right? She didn't do it on purpose."

"Too much messy."

"I know mess makes you nervous, Tee. But sometimes it's OK to be messy, you know that?"

"No! Mess make my mom go a hosital." Her mom. I knew. I knew deep down that this had something to with my wife. But to hear that confirmation out loud, made my blood boil. To hear that April was the reason my girl was feeling any type of pain on her birthday was unacceptable to me. But I swallowed my anger down, for the moment.

"No baby. No. Your mess didn't make your mom go to the hospital. Your mama is sick. It's not your fault."

"We don't like messy."

"I know, Tenley." I whispered, still holding her close. "I know. But you have to go outside now, you don't wanna miss your party, do you?"

"Nooo! I is havin' fun my daddy. I is. Jus' don't like messy."

"I know. They're gonna clean it up. And then, do you want to finish your castle?"

She shook her head vigorously. "No! No! No! Pease no!"

"OK. You don't have to. But you want to paint a shell, right?"

Her breathing was steadying now, and I saw a little smile. "Oh yes, pease. Wit Aunt 'Melia and Arelle. Gon' make one for my mama."

"Alright birthday girl. Let's go make a seashell for your mama."

"What kind of cake did daddy buy you, Tee, guess." I asked, on our second trip to wash our hands before dessert.

"Oh 'nilla wit sperry fer da fill and cream fer da frost."

"How did you know?" I faked surprise.

"Das what I asked, silly." She laughed. "Arelle ony on my cuppies."

"That's right. Are you gonna eat a huge piece of cake, sugar monster?"

"I not you su-gar mon-ster. I you cookie monster."

"Oh yeah, those too. We have cookies with Ariel's face on them, and flounder." Tenley nodded. "But are you gonna eat a big piece for me? So big it will only fit on your big girl plate?"

Tee sighed, thinking. "Hmmm. OK. But my dad will cut it, cut it, cut it in piecies fer me?"

"Ok, Tee. If you use your big girl plate, daddy will cut everything up." She was having fun. I knew that, but it was also breaking my heart, watching her so obviously struggle with anxiety through what was supposed to be her perfect day.

She was worried about the candles making holes in her cake. I finally convinced her to let me put the candles in so she could make a wish, but she couldn't even enjoy the cake until I sat with her to cut it up. And she wanted everything cut up, including the cookie. And she wasn't laughing with her sisters and friends because eating was making her so nervous.

I sat with her, desperately trying, but failing to convince her to eat a cupcake with her hands, like she always does. I looked up, searching for my mother, for that nod that got me through lunchtime. That feeling was new to me, needing my mother for emotional support. But she was nowhere to be found.

I cut and counted cupcake pieces with Tenley, and then sat with her through the snow cone process. Thankfully, that seemed to give her less anxiety than everything else all day. Between the cupcake and the snow cone, I was sitting with Tee for over a half hour, but there was no sign of Nana anywhere.

But I had a feeling I knew where she was. I left Tenley with Owen and Amelia in the bouncy house, asked Karen to see everyone out and I drove all the way to Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital, trying not to let my anger escape along the way. I let all my anger go when I reached room 1250 and saw my mother curled up in bed laughing with my wife, like they didn't have a care in the world. Like they didn't witness their baby girl have a meltdown over spilled sand on her birthday. Because they didn't.


	13. Chapter 12: Trigger

**Hi everyone! I know this update was slower to come than others, but the pace the story is coming to me is slowing down. I'm thankful for that actually, because eventually, somehow soon, I have to get some real life stuff accomplished. But please know it kills me to abandon ANYTHING. So if there are any TFK readers still around...I'm a bit stuck on transition chapters. But trust me, I know where it's going...I don't abandon much. **

**Back to this chapter though. It's kind of intense. But I stand by every decision either Jackson or April makes. Not everything is black and white. And also, she is being treated for a few intense disorders so...keep that in mind as you read. Also, every contradiction, if you find a few, with April's dialogue...is deliberate. And also I think I remember someone asked why Jackson left his kids. He left them with a bunch of adults he trusted because he was angry. Not just because he blamed April...but also because He never lets himself need people, especially his mother. But the one time he did, she wasn't there. Alright, I'm done rambling. Let me know what you think!**

* * *

><p>"Jackson, hi baby. I was just showing April this great pic of Tenley and Arabella in the bouncy house. I got them midair…And I took video too. It's great, they are having so much fun, right Jackie?" My mother looked up at me, and I knew what her eyes were demanding I do. I knew what that quick nod of her head meant. <em>"Pretend, Jackson. Just pretend."<em> But I waved her hand away, angrily walking toward my wife.

"What are her triggers, April. Do you know what her triggers are?"

April gulped and turned ghost white. "I…I don't…"

My mother made a show of looking down at her watch. "Jackson, what are you doing here? It's only 4:30. You should be…" The invitation said 12-5 pm.

"I could ask you the same question, but I'm not talking to you." My voice was so soaked with venom that for the fist time in my life, I scared my mother into silence.

I turned back to my wife. "Her triggers, April. What are they?"

"Jackson…I really don't…"

"Germs. And finger foods. And spills of any kind. And odd numbers. My three-year old can't stop counting on an odd number without bursting into tears."

"Babe…this is all new…I...I'm sorry but I didn't know she…maybe it was just the party, you know how she is. She's quiet and…"

I shook my head and gritted my teeth, blind with rage. "I'm not your babe, right now. I'm embarrassed…Embarrassed I even…" The thoughts racing through my mind were so sharp, so hurtful, they were like knives. If I wanted to I could've thrown a million knives at her in that moment. _I'm embarrassed you're the mother of my children, embarrassed I fell in love with you. Angry that I've been most focused on you these past two weeks, when I should've just left you here to drown in your tears. _"YOU. YOU DID THIS TO HER. THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU HORRIBLE…"

I lunged, and saw April cower in fear. But my mother's voice stopped me cold. "JACKSON HARPER AVERY YOU'D BETTER WALK YOUR ASS OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!" She'd stepped in front of April, protecting her and preventing me from making the biggest mistake of my life. I'd been so focused on April I hadn't been paying attention to where my mother was in the room.

She pushed me backwards out the door and down the hallway. I took smaller steps, letting her think she was in control. My back hit a wall and before I could take a breath I felt them start. Her hard, the burning slaps across my face. One, two, three, four, five. Everything my mother did had a purpose. Five slaps. One for each member of my family.

"Have you lost your mind? Have you actually lost it? I raised you better than to even THINK about putting your hands on a woman in anger. Anyone would be bad, but your _wife?_ You do realize that even though I stopped it you might have ended your marriage just then? If it were me I'd already be discharged from this place and on my way home to get my babies. I would divorce your ass and never let you see your children ever again. But, your wife and I are very different people. I bet she thinks it's actually her fault. She might just cry awhile and beg your forgiveness, that's all she's been doing since I got here." Mom shook her head in pity.

I just cried. It was all I could do for a minute. "Mom…" My voice caught in the back of my throat. "I don't know who that…I don't know what I was…I can't believe I…how did I let myself…I need to go to her." My knees buckled and I collapsed against the wall, head in my hands, frozen. At least mom sat next to me, maybe her anger was subsiding a little bit. Not that that's what I deserved.

"Well give her a few minutes, at least. You know, all she's been doing since I got here is crying. Because she wasn't with you. Because she wasn't with Tee. Because she's sick of this place. Because of that video call. April Avery is no fool, Jackson. She knows her children are suffering, Tee and Brae especially. The only thing she wants to do anymore is take care of her girls. She told me it physically hurts she can't hold them, lately. And then on one of their birthdays, she can't be there? I only just got her to crack a smile a few minutes before you..." She shook her head in anger. "I know you felt very noble _allowing _that video call today, but you shouldn't. And I knew her _mother _wouldn't be thinking of her pain today, so I…"

"Why are you always so nasty about Karen?" I wiped tears from my eyes. "She's here. She's been so helpful…"

"Pssshh yeah, to you." My mother rolled her eyes.

"What do you want from her? I needed help with the kids, especially in those first few days; I wish I realized it sooner. And she went to a therapy session."

"Yeah. One session. And you want to know what they talked about? Pretty much how _lucky _April was to have you, how she'd best get better soon before you leave her."

I laid my head against the wall, massaging my temples. "I don't agree with that part, if you think I do then I don't know….I stuck up for her, when Karen…mom, April grew up having a very literal understanding of the Bible. She modified her beliefs way before me. Just by going away to school, by choosing a career in medicine instead of a husband in Moline. April loves her mother. But there's just no changing certain aspects of Karen's beliefs. She's very loving…Just not open to different ideas about a wife's role…that's all. We laugh about it. I don't understand…"

"You'd better not tell me you don't understand what an overbearing mother is like. Not after everything you've said to me over the years. Just because April laughs about it all with you doesn't mean it doesn't hurt her. Doesn't mean she doesn't struggle with it everyday."

"Trust me, I'm very aware of my wife's struggles with her mother and the Bible…sometimes I wish she'd just…"

"Worship you instead?" My mother's words still stung. Just because we were having some kind of moment, didn't mean she was going to let me forget what an asshole she thought I was for what I'd just done.

"No. It's just confusing sometimes, that's all I'm saying. Part of the reason why she's here is the fucking Bible."

"Well, whatever Jackson. My only point is that I'm here for April. I recognize what she's done for my family. I know how difficult it is to marry into and…"

"Are you saying I don't recognize what she's done for…"

"Not a hair on those babies' heads is ever out of place at an event, not a bow is crooked. Bellie and Tee smile politely and even talk to the weird strangers fawning over them. They know how to take a picture when it counts. They're so young and they know how to be Averys, Jackson. That's hard. And are you sitting at home teaching them manners? And the French and Spanish and math and reading and making sure they have fun while they do it?"

"I get it Ma, they're great kids, and she does it. I'm just lucky I get to tuck them in at night, sometimes…"

"I didn't say that…"

"That's exactly what you're saying mom. And maybe that's partly justified but…they're not perfect…She's not perfect. And I've been there. I've tried to be there. I'm not _him._" I whispered it, and shook the vague memory I had of my father out of my head quickly.

"I certainly didn't say _that_ Jackson. It's a different marriage. That man would never _dream_ of coming at me…"

I gulped, ashamed. "Alright Ma…"

"I did mean it today when I said you were a good dad. Those girls think you walk on water, too. It's sweet. But let's be clear, here. I'm not here to free up your schedule for you. In fact, I called Grey-Sloan and I'm going to be working, some. But you've gotta schedule some therapy or something for Tenley…"

"Ma, that's none of your business."

"April wants it to be my business, honey. Her mom took care of you, now I'm looking out for her and the children. I know you've made it work. But you almost just hit her so I'll be damned if you tell me she doesn't need a little extra support. All I'm saying is, you need to take some time off. It's about time you helped your children deal."

"OK, well. I really have to talk to my wife now. Will you just go home and…for tonight just…help Karen get them to bed? She's leaving early in the morning and I don't think she's packed."

"I most certainly will NOT. For one thing, it's five now. The party's just ending. There is no waaay those girls are going to be ready for bed any time soon. I saw the spread you had, for dessert."

"It's her favorite. All of them. All of my girls have huge sweet tooth's." I let myself smile, a small smile.

She ignored me. "And for another I will not leave April with you unless she tells me to. I will not even let you step into that room if she…"

"Well check then," I motioned for her to get up. "But if she wants to see me, please go. And help Karen. With whatever. Open presents with them or something."

Mom stood up and raised her eyebrows at me. "See, this is what I mean. This is what April means. You really think it's a good idea to skip out on opening presents when you already ditched the end of her party?"

"No! No! She knew I was leaving. And if April will let me…I need to fix this. So if you can please help get the kids to bed tonight, if it's necessary…"

"Child, you really think she's going to let you sleep over after you…" she was rolling her eyes at me.

"I saw her slicing her thighs open with my daughter in her lap, both of them looking like petrified zombies. I carried them through these hospital doors while they screamed about men coming to get them because of some broken glass…I sleep with that little girl wrapped tightly in my arms every night now, because she wakes up scared if I'm too far away. That wasn't me, Ma. That wasn't me in there. And I think my wife knows more than anyone, especially now, that people break, sometimes. I cracked just a little, Ma. I cracked and I can only hope she understands and forgives me. That wasn't me."

"OK, Jackson, OK…" For once, she had no other words. I had no idea what she knew of that night. I certainly hadn't spoken a word to her about it. She turned from me to go check on April.

* * *

><p>Her back was to me when I entered the room. She was laying down, curled up in a fetal position staring into space, or out the window. I couldn't see. I was sure she was crying, too. But I didn't hear anything. "Thank you for asking her to go home and be with the girls. I'm gonna lay next to you, alright? And lock the door. Tell me if it's not alright." One of the perks of owning the place. There were a few private rooms with locks on the door in this wing.<p>

She was frozen. I took that as permission. I knew she was awake. The bed was small. I had to curl up tightly to lie down and instinctively I wrapped my arms around her. She let out an audible gasp and jumped to the very edge of her side of the bed. I swallowed. "I'm so sorry, April. I'm sorry. I would never hit you…I just…"

"Yes you would have. If your mother didn't step in. You were going to." It was a whisper and I thought maybe I heard a slight stutter. I had reduced my wife to this; she was a fragile ball of fear. She was afraid of me, with good reason. I thought I knew what failure was, before. But I'd never felt it as much as I did in this moment. I was scum. But I needed her to forgive me.

"You know how you keep telling me you weren't yourself the night you came in here?" She nodded. "I don't think I really believed you until tonight. I know what you mean now. Because I wasn't myself. She had a lot of trouble eating, today for some reason. I think she was really overwhelmed but trying to be happy at the same time. But she can't eat finger foods, all of the sudden. Or at least she couldn't today. And I barely noticed the food separating thing until she said it out loud this morning. So when I was cutting up her food today, and watching her struggle to eat French fries, which she usually loves, I felt guilty. And then Braelyn spilled sand and Tenley had a full on meltdown. And while I was holding her on the floor of the den to calm her down I was just thinking about how sad it was that my little girl was suffering even though she was trying so hard to have fun on her birthday. But she thinks you're here because of messes and germs…"

"I never had a germ thing. Not really badly anyway."

"Well she thinks you're here because of messes and germs and dirt. She said 'Messes send my mama to the hospital' or something. And I just snapped a little bit. But I held it in, because she needed me there for dessert. It took a lot of strength for her to let me put the candles in her cake. But then she couldn't eat a cupcake without me cutting it up and…"

April turned to look at me, finally. "A cupcake?" I nodded. "But we love those." Not she. We.

I didn't know if it was the sweetest or saddest thing I'd ever heard. So I ignored it. "So I was really furious at you…but I looked for my mom because she had helped me through the lunch. She helped me ignore the concerned adult stares. But she wasn't anywhere and…"

"Oh." Her voice was stronger now, though still sad. My wife knew me. She knew that it was a big deal for me to need my mother.

"Yeah. So by the time I got here, between thinking it over in the car and, seeing you laughing…I just. If you broke, I cracked, just for a second, OK? I cracked. But that wasn't me, all right? I'm sorry. That wasn't me. I'm sorry."

"OK."

"OK? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you, April. That will never…"

"I love you too, Jackson. I'm sorry your mom was…"

She let me slide my arms around her and pull her to me. "Don't you say you're sorry to me. You have nothing to apologize for. This was all me…"

"But you weren't yourself." April chuckled, not sarcastically, but it was kind of ridiculous.

"I'm not looking for an excuse, though. If you want me to leave, if you need some time just…"

"No. No. I forgive you. And I mean it…I know you wouldn't…maybe you would've even paused before you…if your mom didn't…just like you know I wouldn't hurt Tee. I didn't do this on purpose."

She started crying again. I kissed the back of her neck, a mistake. "No! Don't use sex to distract me. You don't get to do that anymore!"

"That wasn't about sex, April. It was just…OK, I won't kiss you. I'm sorry."

"I'm afraid if I let you kiss me, then…"

"Whoa, you're afraid to kiss me?" I deserved it. I should've expected it. But it still hurt.

"No. No. That's not what I said…I just...That was intense before…"

"I know. But I want you to trust me. Do you trust me, April?" She bit her lip and nodded at me. She positioned herself to give me space to roll on top of her.

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><p>I let him climb on top of me, knowing what might happen. Knowing what I wanted to happen. Yes, he made a horrible mistake that might have turned into a disaster. I also made a horrible mistake, which did cause multiple disasters. And I couldn't fix all of them. But I could forgive him, I could let him love me. He framed my face with his hands and I held my breath for a second. He noticed. "My hands will never hurt you. I promise."<p>

I saw tears behind his eyes and leaned up to kiss him. "I know. I know." But I felt my eyes well up, too.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He kissed down my neck, and then, ever so slowly inched my shirt over my head, as if he was waiting for me to stop him. I wasn't going to. It might've been insane, but I craved his touch more than I ever had before. He started placing small kisses down my stomach and I decided to help him with my bra. He clearly needed a hint. He looked a little bit confused, but seemed to understand. He changed direction and took one of my breasts in his mouth, eliciting a moan that surprised even me. It was guttural and desperate. I needed this. I needed him more than I even knew.

His lips and fingertips worked their way down my body, making me feel things I never had before. His lips on my thigh, his fingers on my hips. Sex for us was always intense, it always mattered. But for some reason, every intense feeling was magnified by a thousand, this time. Even though I was just lying there, feeling his kisses.

Jackson disappeared under the covers and I panicked. That was not what I wanted, not what I needed. "No. Please. I need you, Jackson." It was a difficult moment for me, for a few reasons. I was used to surrendering to him, almost completely, whenever we were intimate. It's just what made me comfortable. And then there was the fact that even though I forgave him, I was confused and upset and a million other things.

"I'm right here, April. But we can't…I don't have a condom. Just relax, sweetheart. You need this." He slid underneath the covers again and I was livid. What I _needed_? What I needed was a husband who'd never even think to hit me, no matter _who_ he was in the moment. What I needed was a partner who could put his pride aside to get his daughter the help she needed, finally. But as suddenly as it had come, I lost my confidence. And it really did feel so good, so I didn't stop him.

* * *

><p>"Fuck you! I hate you!" she screamed as she came. That was a new one. She usually didn't speak much, especially not during that particular activity.<p>

I squeezed next to her as she caught her breath. "That good, huh?"

"You're an ass. You really are the biggest jerk."

"What? April, I…you wanted…"

"I told you what I wanted, that was hard for me. And you just ignored me because…" she wiped angry tears from her eyes.

"Sweetheart. I didn't have a condom. You get pregnant pretty easily, we know that. I'm surprised we don't have at least one more kid considering that…"

"I know. I know you think I'm an idiot because I don't believe in birth control since we're married."

"I don't think you're an idiot. I respect your belief but I'd really like to discuss it because another baby is not something I'm willing to…"

"What about me? What about what I want, Jackson?" She was crying again. "What if that really is what I want? Another child…"

"April, please try to understand. Our baby isn't even three months old, she hasn't even smiled yet. You're being treated for…"

"I know. I know. But today you just made the decision that…"

"I didn't make any decision today…I told you that right now I was just worried about dealing with the challenges in front of us. Not creating more."

"Fine! Deal with them then, Jackson. Actually open your eyes and deal with them. Every time Dr. C brings up Tenley you…"

"I'm trying. I'm gonna try harder to help her, from now on. I didn't realize it was as bad as it is and I just…"

"Decided to take it out on me…" And we'd come full circle.

"I'm sorry, April. I told you, I…."

"And now you won't even make love to me, even after I forgave you and…" The tears came down in a flood again.

"April, we're officially going in circles. I told you why and I'm not budging on that right now. So I think I should…" I started to sit up to leave, but she pulled me back down, climbing on top of me.

"Please, baby…please. I'm not gonna get pregnant. Just…kiss me, Jackson. Let's go slow and see...You're always telling me you want me to take control. So now I am. You're just worried, right?" I nodded, knowing she wasn't exactly herself, right now. Knowing it was my fault.

"Don't be worried, I promise I won't…" She was unbuckling my belt, about to make a promise I knew she had no control over. I knew I would give in, and that she wasn't about to play any games to try and prevent anything from happening.

And then my phone rang, and I reached for it, quickly. Saved by Catherine Avery three times in one day.

"Hello?"

"My dad. Why is you not here?"

"Oh hi birthday, girl. I will be home soon."

"I don't want to open my bir-day 'resents wit my nana and my gramma. I wanna open dem wit you here too, pease."

"Alright, Tee. I'll be home soon I promise. Why don't you get your jammas on. By the time you do that I'll be home."

"Oh, but it not late my dad. Me an' Bellie want to put on tutus and do a show for you, pease? 'Acause she gaved me a tutu for my bir-day. Purple. She telled me. Can we, my daddy?"

"Yeah baby. That sounds so fun."

"OK, so you comin' home right now?"

"Right now, sweet girl."

I heard her whisper to her sister before she got back on. "What song you wants for da show?"

"Oh I don't know, You pick for your birthday."

"OK, I love you, my dad."

"I love you, Tenley. I'm gonna go now so I can get in the car, soon."

"My dad?"

"What, my girl?"

"Thanks for my party. I haved fun even if I cried. I sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. I'm glad you had fun. Now go get your dancing stuff on. I'm gonna hang up now."

"Ok."

"Ok. Bye Tee."

I hung up and she immediately kissed my jaw. "I love you. And I'm sorry for everything. But I'm gonna go now. I shouldn't have left that party."

April rolled her eyes. "God forbid you spend time with me on her birthday. Because why would you think of _me,_ today? Why would it be hard for me?" She climbed off of me.

"Hey! I think you should talk to someone, when I leave. Because I came here angry. And whatever we did just now didn't make anything better. But you're not really making sense right now. You know it's best if I leave. I know you know that."

"You're right. I'm sorry," she whispered as I stood up. "You think I'm crazy. You don't think I'm ready to…"

"Shh! I think I made a mess, tonight. And we both need to sleep on everything. And if you feel good about it, and the doctors feel good about it, of course I will bring Laidy tomorrow. Nothing would make me happier."

"Ok. That's fair." I framed her face and kissed her goodbye. She didn't flinch. "Hey babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we can spend some time talking about Tee, together? I want to help you figure it out."

"Sure, April."

"I love you, and we're gonna be fine."

"Yeah. We'll be fine." But I wasn't quite sure I didn't ruin our chance at even just fine, tonight.

* * *

><p>"So tomorrow, what are you gonna do, Tenley girl?" We were snuggled up in bed, after a pretty long night of tutu twirling to early Britney Spears hits and present opening. Tee loved her jewelry box from her sister, her underwater castle, and despite her current troubles with cupcakes, even her play bakery made her smile, because her mama picked it out weeks ago. When life was different.<p>

"I gon' eat one time on my big girl plate, no cryin'. Pro-mise, my dad."

"When did you decide?"

"Oh fer brek-fast 'acause rest of the day I can have aparts plate." I sighed. I had been hoping for any other logic besides that, but I'd take any small victory at this point.

"What did you do for the rest of your party? Did you have fun?"

"Umm hmmm. Bounce wit Uncle Owen and Bellie and Brae and Sandra and Auntie 'Melia jus' watch cause she haves a baby in the pop in her belly. She say she jelly of us, wants it out."

"I bet she does, it's almost done cookin'."

"I gon' have nother sissy. Don't know what name yet."

I yawned, my day had been exhausting, especially the last half, even though my daughters made me laugh. "Kind of, princess."

"Daddy?" Just daddy. I smiled and kissed the top of her head, trying not to make a big deal out of it.

"What?"

"Mommy gon' have more pops in her belly, like Auntie 'Melia dos?"

"I don't know sweetheart. I really don't know. Try not to worry about it, OK?"

Tee giggled. "Ok, she have to come home afore you can give her a baby in the pop." I cursed Harper for teaching Arabella biology in small truths. I'd rather say God gave babies at this point. It's what April believed, sort of. I didn't want to be responsible for putting any more babies in my wife's belly any time soon.

"Yeah, Tee. Now tell me, what was your favorite part of your birthday?"

"Oh, I talked to my mom on the video and eated bir-day pie and telled her it was yummy."

"Really? Not making shells with Ariel?"

"I maded one fer me and one fer my mama. Sparkly, same color. Mines is small and mama's is big, like real life. I her baby."

"You're not a baby anymore, Tee. You're three."

"I mama's baby and you baby always, right? Mama say dat."

"I guess if mama says it, it must be true." Tenley nodded. "Hey let's try to go to sleep now alright? Daddy has a big day tomorrow."

"What is you doin'?"

"I think I'm takin' baby Adalaide to see your mom."

"She need her turn, then I goes gen, right?"

"I think so, sweet girl. Yes." She smiled against my chest and nodded off instantly. The day wore us both out, it seemed.

* * *

><p>"April! April! NO! NO! NO! IT WASN'T ME! IT WASN'T ME!"<p>

"Bad dream, bad dream go way. Sweet dream, sweet dream, here fer stay. Bad dream, bad dream go way. Sweet dream, sweet dream, here fer stay." I woke up in a pitch-black guest room to my daughter whispering in my ear, placing tiny kisses on my cheek. There were tears in my eyes.

"Oh Tee. I'm sorry. Daddy's sorry for waking you up. I had a bad dream I guess, huh?"

"Yeah. You haved a nigh-mare. But it OK 'cause I knows how to do what my mama dos fer me."

"Did I scare you?"

"No. I knows a nigh-mare my dad."

"I know you know what a nightmare is. I'm sorry about that, Tee." I could only hope she didn't ever experience one of this magnitude in her lifetime.

April didn't tell me about facing down Gary Clark and his gun until after we were married. Our second night in Lake Tahoe, to be exact. We laid in bed and she told me exactly what she said to save her life, what she felt, what she saw, none of it had left her. Just like none of it had left me. We'd supported each other in the past, and talked about Reed and Charles, but we'd never shared details. We were best friends, but those were tough details to share with anyone. Plus, we were both there. There almost wasn't too much to say until we were married. We just knew.

In my nightmare, April stood opposite me in the hallway, hands in the air. She recited her name, age, birthday, hometown, her parents' professions and names. She talked about her sisters, said their names; and then the speech changed. "My daughters. They need me. Please, please." Her hair was the exact shade of red it was today. She didn't have to say her kids' names. In fact, she didn't have to say any of it. I knew it all. I was the one holding the gun. And I pulled the trigger.

I tried to hold myself together to get my daughter back to sleep, but inside I was a mess. "Is that what your mama says, to help you sleep?"

"Yeah. She say 'bad dream, bad dream go way. Sweet dream, sweet dream here fer stay. Den she sing song."

"Well daddy can't sing."

"I didn't haved nigh-mare. You did," my daughter reminded me.

"I know. But I want to help you sleep. "

"I no need help. You dos. You needs you wife." She yawned against my chest and closed her eyes. She was right.

When I was sure Tenley was definitely asleep I reached for my cell phone.

"Jackson, what are you…what's wrong?" Her voice was raspy with sleep.

"I'm sorry, April. I'm sorry. I love you."

"I know. You said that, babe. We're fine. Jackson, it's one a.m. What happened?"

"The shooting. I was him. And I pulled the trigger."

"Oh, Jackson." I was trying to hide my tears from her. "It was a nightmare. You didn't do anything."

"But I…"

"But nothing. You could've easily pushed your mother aside. But you didn't want to. You left. And it was just a nightmare."

"You're not gonna leave me, are you?"

"No, Jackson, never. We're going through something, that's all. Calm down, babe, Tee's there, right?"

"Yeah. She woke me up…She had nightmares before…"

"All of your kids did, always. I think there's a genetic component to it." It haunted her thoughts, but April hardly ever had nightmares about the shooting. I had them my whole life, the shooting just made them worse.

"You teach them how to…"

"I taught them how to call me and you into their dreams. I taught them how I wake you up…sort of." I chuckled a little bit. Sort of.

"Yeah, she was kissing my cheek. It was cute. She was saying 'Bad dreams, bad dreams go away…"

"…Sweet dreams, sweet dreams here to stay." She laughed softly. "I told them you always make sure you let someone know you love them when you wake them up from a nightmare."

"She said 'You needs you wife.'" I smiled and pushed Tenley's hair out of her eyes, watching her sleep next to me.

"Well I'm glad to be there for you. But my mom's gotta leave to catch her flight in eight hours. Get some sleep."

"I'll see you tomorrow, sweetheart. With Laidy."

"I love you Jackson. I'll be here. Sweet dreams." I hung up the phone and pulled my daughter close to me before drifting back to sleep. We were fine. Just fine.


	14. Chapter 13: Through

**Not much to say about this one. I just write what comes, as it comes. I'm going through this with them. And with you. Probably the last update before Christmas...which doesn't mean much, hehe. Please enjoy and let me know what you think! Happy Holidays! **

* * *

><p>"Hey, I'm just giving our girl a bottle and gettin' in some alone time. Then we're gonna drop your mom off at the airport and we're coming straight to you. Can you believe my mom is actually helping with breakfast? The girls are dressed and downstairs. I think she's secretly fine with helping me in this deal, too. I think she's saying she's not going to help me but…."<p>

"Jackson, Dr. C said no Laidy today because we have _things _to talk about…" April was holding back tears.

"Today's not even a session, April. He's not even in. It's Sunday. It's supposed to be Beth."

"Yeah well. He's here today. He was on last night and after you left I…I went to him and I told him what happened and…" She paused and then the flood of tears came out. "He said today needed to be a session but tomorrow could be a visit, so it's not that bad. I know you work today though, and the girls have all their stuff, so you probably should just take her to the daycare. I really wanted to hold my baby today, Jackson." She wasn't angry, just audibly heartbroken.

"And you will April. Today, I promise. I was gonna visit for two hours so the first hour we'll talk. The next hour I'll go get the little Laidy. You shouldn't be punished because of something I did."

"He said everything contributed to his decision. My response, too."

"Because you forgave me…I don't…"

"He said we're using the baby and…whatever happened last night as a way to ignore our anger. Or that I am."

"I don't care. You wanna see the baby, you see her. I'm sick of this psych bullshit. You wanna come home soon, you come home." The baby let out a huge burp when I pat her back. "Laidy agrees with me, babe." I laughed. "He's getting ridiculous and we miss you."

"I miss you, too. But that's not the answer, Jackson."

"Alright, fine," I groaned, heading downstairs with Adelaide. "Maybe leaving isn't the answer but you're hanging out with Laidy today. It's non-negotiable." I heard crying coming from my kitchen and suddenly remembered what day it was today. "Listen, babe. I think I gotta deal with a big girl plate meltdown right now but I'm gonna call Dr. C as soon as I leave with your mom."

"OK, Jackson. Tell Tee mommy's so excited she's using the big girl plate today."

"OK, I will. Maybe we'll take a picture or…something." I knew it would be a big deal if Tee got through it, but eating off of a plate was an everyday thing. Not necessarily something to be overly celebrated. This parenting stuff was a tricky balancing act, that was for sure.

"I need to talk to my daddy. I need to!" I managed to decipher, between sobs.

"Geez, Tee. You so crazy. It's French toast. You fave and Mama's fave and Gramma K maked it yummy wit New-tella and sperrys. Jus' eat it."

"Hey, Arabella please apologize to your sister. Averys don't call each other crazy." The classic Catherine Avery "Averys don't" explanation that I hated so much.

"Yes we does in dis house. Mama and daddy say crazy all the time and then they kiss 'ascustingly."

"Is your name mama or daddy? Or is your name Arabella Catherine?" I asked as I entered the kitchen. I handed the baby off to Karen for some last minute bonding time.

"Your name not daddy. It's just what we hafta call you. Your name Jackson." She eyed me, ready to fight.

"Just do what your Nana asked, please. Why are you sassing everyone today, huh?"

"I wants to."

"Well do you want a time out? Because so far that's all your behavior is getting you."

Arabella sighed. "I sorry Tee for saying you crazy. And I sorry for sassing you nana. But why is Tee cryin' 'cause she needs to eat yummy food?"

"I don't know. Tenley why are you crying?"

"I needs you for cuttin' and countin'."

"Why didn't you just say that Tee? Nana or Gramma would've helped you. Now your food is cold."

"No. Jus' my daddy can help me, pease Nana."

"OK. I'm right here. After we cut it and count, what's Tenley gonna do?"

"Eat it from da big girl plate," Tee said, confident.

"Good girl!" I kissed her cheek and we cut and counted the French toast pieces, making sure there was an even number of pieces on the plate.

"Tenley, you wants sy-rup and sperrys too? Tasties more yummy if you put da sy-rup on da toast and eat a sperry wit it. And I puts a sy-rup on da bacon too."

"Thanks fer tellin' me Bellie, but I jus' wants sy-rup on da toast and I don't wants to eat the bakin' kay my dad? I eat sperrys afer toast."

"I can cut it up and you can eat it with a fork, do you want to do that?"

"No thank you my daddy."

"OK Tee. But I need you to eat a lot of strawberries and drink up all your milk, deal?"

"Yes."

"OK, good job with your big girl plate. I'm gonna go say hi to Brae Brae."

"Hi dada, hi," she said, before I got up from my seat to kiss her. My mom was on Brae-watch this morning. She fed herself, for the most part, but every so often you needed to feed her a bite to remind her to put the food in her mouth the food instead of playing with it.

"Good morning cub, is Nana helping you eat French toast? Is that yummy?" I kissed her forehead.

"Yes. Nana yummy."

"Nana's yummy? I don't know about that one." I raised my eyebrows as I kissed my mom good morning. "Hi. Thank you."

But she was busy watching the other side of the table. "Oh you've got to be kidding me. He can cut his food himself, Karen, he's a grown man." My mother-in-law didn't stop preparing my plate. Mom rolled her eyes and smacked my shoulder.

"Karen, you really don't need to…"

"Nonesense, Jackson. While I'm here I will serve you how you're used to…"

"Oh for the love of…"

"Really Karen, I'm not used to it." It was sort of a lie. Ever since April stopped working she did at least serve dinner pretty consistently. She didn't go so far as to cut up my food though.

"I should hope not. My God, no wonder that girl went crazy."

"Ma! That's enough!"

"Abery's don't do fightin' at the table."

"Shhhhh!"

"No, no, no, no!" All of my girls reacted simultaneously.

"Daddy's sorry girls. Thank you, Karen." I sat down in front of my plate.

"My pleasure, Jackson. You've been doing so well with my grandbabies." My mom made a show of feeding Brae, but I saw her eyeroll.

"So what are you doin' today girls?"

"Daddy haves work and takin' Laidy to work. Me and Tee and Brae goin wit Nana to bisit God at church."

I stopped chewing mid-bite, staring at my mom. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Bellie told me she missed visiting God like she did with her mommy. And daddy told Gramma they weren't allowed to go to church. I figured if the theme for Gramma was obey Daddy, my theme should be disobey. You know, for balance."

"Whatever Ma." I turned back to my food. "We pray, right girls, every night?"

"Sometime wit my mama."

"But I like to do Bible arts and crafts with my teacher Miss Melanie. I miss her dad. I hafta miss Mama 'util she better but Nana say I don't have to miss Miss Melanie."

"She's right, Bellz. You don't have to miss Miss Melanie." I turned my attention to Tenley, who was concentrating very hard on her food. "Look at you, princess. Almost ready for some strawberries?" She nodded, not saying a word.

"After Miss Melanie, Tee haves dancing class an' I haves gymnasties class. Den maybe time fer lunch…" Arabella tilted her head, thinking about it. "Den Nana say we comin' back here fer play time and lessons like mama did. Why Nana? School done."

"That doesn't mean you stop learning, diva. You wanna be a doctor, right?" Bellie nodded. "Doctors never stop learning. And you're very good at French oui?"

"Oui." Bellie giggled.

"So then you can't stop learning. Did you know your daddy knows how to speak French?"

"No he don't Nana, don't be a silly."

"Oui, je parle fracais aussi." I smiled, remembering the night April and I conceived Braelyn. We shut ourselves into a hotel room in Paris, and she wouldn't let me stop speaking French to her, or leave the bed unless she wanted a croissant. One of those three days, we made our lion cub.

Bellie laughed again. "What you said?"

"I said, 'Yes, I speak French, too."

Arabella took a bite of French toast. "Then how come Mama teachies us and not you? Mama say she don't knows it good."

"Yeah, how come Jackson?" My mom was very interested in my answer.

"I don't know, diva. She did those lessons when daddy was at work."

"Now we should do dem when you home."

"OK, Bellie." I turned to check on Tee. "Hey you why aren't you eating that?"

"I don't wants to anymore. I done."

"No. I want you to eat the whole plate, please Tee? And then some strawberries. You know who is so happy you're eating off your big girl plate?"

"No."

"Mama." Tenley smiled. "And you know what I think?"

"What?"

"I think maybe if you can finish those three bites and two strawberries, your mommy would be so happy if we called her up on the video and told her. We can show her your empty plate. And because you're just starting, I think we'll put a sticker on the chart this morning. "

"Hey! I jus' finished. I get to call mama up on the bideo too? I wanna put a sticker too! Why Tee gets to just fer eatin'? That's so stupid, dad! You bein' a stupid-face!"

"OK, that's it. I'm done with you, this morning sass queen. This is your warning. Anymore sass you're going to time out!"

"I'm done wit you, stupid-face."

"Really? Ok…that's it!" She started kicking and screaming and crying as soon as I picked her up. "Seriously diva? I warned you."

"I don't wants time out! You a dumby."

"Oh, you are lucky Gramma has a plate to catch." I threw her a pair of shoes on the time out steps and set the timer on my watch. "Here, put your shoes on. I set it for four minutes because I don't have time to do five, I have to help your sister. You're in time-out because you called me a name even after I gave you your warning. What does that mean?"

"Means I sit here starin' at nothin til you says no more."

"That's right. And think about why I'm upset."

"I don't eben like you right now," she huffed.

"I'm not even sorry about that." I went inside to check on Tee. "Well look at you, all done with French toast. I'm so proud of you. Were you nervous?"

"Yes." Tenley nodded. "I likes aparts. But ony toast on plate. It better. I can eat sperries on aparts plate? I call my mama now?"

"No baby. Don't you want to tell mama you ate everything from your big girl plate?"

"Yeah, but it has sticky, my dad."

"Can you let Nana wash the sticky for you? If you can do that, and let Nana do cutting and counting so daddy can talk to Bellie, then right after that, we can put a sticker on your chart call Mama, sound good?"

"Not you helpin'?"

"No. But nana will do counting with you too, just like me."

"I'm a better counter, Tee." My mom fake whispered.

Tenley shrugged. "Ok." I was relieved. From what I could tell, this was anxiety. But it only took over her life to a point. In certain settings, she was able to adapt. That was a good thing.

The timer on my watch beeped and I went to deal with the sass queen. "Why were you here?"

"'Acause I called you stupid-face," Bellie said, matter-of-fact.

"Do you have something to say to me?"

"I'm sorry 'acause I didn't want to hurt you feelings. I was mad, dad."

"Why were you mad?"

"'Acause I wanna talk to my mama to, not just Tee. And I wants sticker."

"But you didn't even give me the chance to tell you you could. "

"I can?" All of the sudden she had a huge smile on her face.

"You can. I think you should tell her you're going to see Miss Melanie today. Don't you think that will make her happy?"

"Yes. And I bisiting God. She will be happy. Not that I eated food, Dad?"

I wrinkled my nose and shook my head "Nah. Because it's easy for you to do that right?"

She nodded. "It yummy. Why was Tee cryin'?"

"I wanted to talk to you about that. Tee is very nervous because Mama's away. So sometimes different things make her scared that don't make you or me scared. Like eating on a big girl plate. But we have to be supportive of her and tell her how proud we are when she does that, because it makes her scared. But it doesn't make you scared right? So I don't think you need a sticker for that. Why do we get stickers in this house?"

"No. It don't make me scared. We gets stickers fer doin' good work. Or taked away sometime if we naughty. But why it makes her scared to eat, dad? Jus' a plate."

"I don't really know, but I'm gonna find out soon. That's why she gets to tell mom that and you tell something else. And I think it would be very nice if you told her how happy you are that she ate from the plate you gave her, when we go back inside. Can you do that?"

"Yes. It does make me happy dad."

"Let's go tell her." Bellie nodded as I scooped her up and took her back in the kitchen, shoes on.

"Look my dad, I eated all the sperries. You can call my mom? Bellie can talk to her to?"

"Yes. We're gonna call her right now, aren't we, Bellie?"

"Yeah. I'm so happy you eated from da mer-maid plate Tee. Good job. Thanks fer doin it so we can call mama."

Tenley giggled with pride. "You welcome Bellie."

"One sec, just wanna make sure mom's in her room, girls." I stepped out again and called April.

"Hey handsome, this is a surprise. Shouldn't you be on the road?"

"Probably. But we'll be alright. The girls have some good news for you though, you up for seeing them?"

She nodded, excited. "Of course."

"OK girls. One person talks at a time, so mama can hear you, understand?" They both nodded.

"Tee goin' first!" Bellie insisted. She really was a sweet diva, when she wanted to be.

"Hi my Mama, I have to tell you somethin' portant."

"What princess, tell me."

"I eated Frech toast all up and sperries all up from my big girl plate."

"Oh Tenley! That makes me so happy."

Tee laughed. "Daddy can show you." I smiled at the screen and then moved so she could see the empty plate.

"I'm so proud of you, Tee. I'm gonna blow you kisses, are you ready to catch them?"

She nodded and caught the kisses, sending some back April's way. "Bellie have to tell you a thing, now."

"OK Tee, I love you to the moon!"

"I love you, mama."

"Mama, mama! Guess where is Nana takin' us today?"

"I don't know Bellie, where?"

"Da church fer to visit God and Miss Melanie. "Acause I asked her to. Is you so 'cited?"

"Oh sweetie, that does make me so excited that you wanted to go visit God today."

"You wants me to save what we colors for you?"

"Yes, I want you to bring it next time you visit. Definitely."

"When's next time?"

"I don't know, love. Soon. But you made me so happy today."

"You love me to da moon?"

"I love you to the moon, Arabella." She smiled with pride.

"Brae's turn? She can't tell you but she didn't throw food, just fergotted to use fork." April cracked up laughing.

"That's progress," she said to me as I carried her over to Brae and my mom. Braelyn and April had a tennis match of "Hi mama," "Hi cub," for a little bit, until she and mom talked and she was passed off to Karen and Laidy. April said goodbye to her mom and then was handed back to me. "That was the best, Jackson, thanks."

"Don't thank me, babe. We'll keep doing stuff like that, OK? If you want to."

"Yes, yes, yes!"

"Alright, see you later. I'm bringing our girl. I don't care who says different."

"I love you, Jackson."

"To the moon, April."

* * *

><p>On the way to drop Karen off at the airport, I called Dr. Craven. "Listen, Jeff. I have a really big problem with you postponing April's visit with the baby."<p>

"I'm sorry but…you trust me to make calls like this about her care."

"You aren't making a call about her care, you're punishing her for a reaction to my behavior."

"You went to hit her, right? You were going to hit her…"

"Yes but…"

"Don't get into this with me over the phone. Yes or no, Jackson."

"Yes."

"And did she scream at you? Yell? Throw things? Or did she let you…please her and then beg you to stay with her?"

"Oh, my mother-in-laws in the car, maybe this wasn't the best call to make right now."

"Right. There's my answer. This has nothing to do with your actions, Jackson. It has everything to do with _her_ reaction. That's why she's here. The whole reason she's here is because of the way she reacts to triggers, so…"

"Fine. So what has to happen, before she can see her baby?"

"She has to get angry."

"So make it happen, doctor. Because I have two hours to spend with my wife today before my shift and I plan on spending at least one of them watching her hold her daughter." I hung up abruptly, shoving my phone on the passenger seat.

"You know, if the doctor says she's not ready, you should listen to him. Just because April wants something doesn't mean you have to give it to her." Karen piped up from her spot in the back seat with Adelaide.

"All respect, Mom. You really have no idea what you're talking about." I hadn't found the time or courage to tell my mother-in-law what had almost happened last night. Plus, I knew Catherine didn't willingly give her details. Thinking about Karen's reaction to everything scared me, because for some reason I doubted she would be as angry as she should be. "Like mother, like daughter" still held true in some cases.

"I just…you're doing a better job than you are being given credit for, in my opinion. I mean, you have to work and…"

"Karen, I own majority of the place. I cancel all my surgeries and no one bats an eyelash. I can do paperwork at home."

"You should be able to work if you want to."

"I should be doing better for my girls." I snapped, a little too quickly. Karen was quiet for the rest of the ride.

Despite my response, she still gave me that big, warm, long hug that I always craved when I dropped her off. She made me promise to call her if I needed her. The only thing calling her back to Ohio was a mid-week church event, but after Wednesday she was free to come back. But what Karen didn't know was that my mother had made it her mission to say as long as April needed her. As difficult as that might be for me, I was prepared to do what my wife needed of me from this moment on. I thanked Karen and said goodbye, making tentative promises of a Christmas visit. On the way to the hospital April, I made an appointment for Tenley with Dr. Woodall at Alex's practice. He got me in for the next day.

* * *

><p>I dropped the baby off at the daycare and, with a pit in my stomach, went to meet April.<p>

"I'm not supposed to kiss you." She mumbled it to the floor. She was sitting on that extra chair that was sometimes in the room, lately.

"OK so don't sweetheart. It's OK. Just work hard so I can bring Adelaide up, OK? That's what matters today." She bit her lip and nodded at the floor again, this time risking a quick glance in my direction before the doctor entered the room.

"So, since we last spoke in this room, you tried to hit your wife. Feel good about that, Jackson?"

"He didn't…" Dr. Craven put his hand up to quiet April.

"Yeah great, doc. I'm just your everyday average monster." I rolled my eyes.

"Good, joke about it, that will get us places."

"I was angry, I wasn't in control. I wasn't myself. I snapped. Kind of like April did when…"

"I'm gonna stop you right there, Jackson. Because this situation was not 'kind of like April's' at all…" I knew that, my words were coming out wrong. "You want forgiveness. That's the easiest way to get forgiveness from her, comparing her situation to yours."

"No. It's not like that. I…"

"It is like that. And that's understandable. But I'm not going to let you off the hook. At all. Take me through it."

"Tenley flipped out, all throughout her party. And the last time, she mentioned April being the reason she was triggered."

"So you were angry at her."

"Yeah, I guess. And then I went to look for my mom because she had helped me through the day, but she wasn't there at the end, and I had a feeling she was with April."

"Which made you angrier. And then the car ride here gave you time to think more and get even angrier. Skip to being here."

"I was pissed. And I asked her what triggered Tenley. And she called me babe at one point. And I snapped."

"What does snapped mean?"

"I started thinking all of these horrible things, things I wouldn't dream to say out loud…"

"An example of you being in control. Not snapping. Continue."

"What did you want to say?" April shrunk in her seat as she whispered.

"That's not important, April. People don't say a lot of things when they're fighting and angry, and relationships are stronger for it. He controlled himself because he knew he didn't mean them and didn't want to hurt your feelings. And then…"

"I lunged at her. My mom screamed at me. I stopped and left the room."

"Again, controlling yourself. So stop with the bullshit about not being yourself and not being in control. You, Jackson Avery, stopped yourself from hitting your wife. Because you're mother's anger reinforced what a bad idea it was. But what if she wasn't there?"

"I don't know. It didn't happen."

"I'm gonna go ahead and say it would have happened. Because you made the decision to bite your tongue, and to lunge. I think that if it wasn't for your mother, you would have made the decision to follow through."

I shrugged. "Fair I guess."

"Stop! Stop this."

"No April. We're gonna deal with this. You're gonna deal with it. Your husband just admitted he almost hit you. What are you feeling?"

"Like you're being stupid, doctor. Really stupid. I forgave him." April never called anyone stupid. I grinned quickly, remembering Arabella's favorite insult this morning. "'But when you are praying first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. Mark 11-25.'"

"But you won't admit there's anything to forgive."

"He didn't. I forgave his anger that scared me. That's all there is to forgive."

"What happened when he came back into the room, April?"

"We talked a little. He apologized. I forgave him. And then…" April blushed. "I told you. We haven't done anything in two weeks. I'm not ashamed that I wanted…"

"And pregnancy came up again, right? And if it wasn't for that phone call then he would've…."

"So what, Jeff? I wanna see my baby girl."

"So you just let him hurt you. You sit on that couch often, and you say 'He did this and it hurt. He did that and it hurt.' But you never get MAD. I want you to get MAD April, really and truly mad at that man across from you. Because he's hurt you so much. He doesn't even know how much he's hurt you. And it's the only way you two are going to be able to move past this, the only way you're going to be able to heal."

"Fine. About what? What do you want me to do? Hit him? What will get me to my baby?"

"See? You're good at getting angry at me. I don't care where you start or what you do. You wanna start at the beginning? The way he looked at you when you told him you loved Jesus? Start there. You wanna start at the bench? Start there." My eyes widened. I was surprised at how much of our history he knew. "Yeah, that's right. I know it all. April, you might want to sit with him now. And you…listen. Don't say a word." I nodded, blushing like my girls did when they knew they were about to get in big trouble. But I had no idea what was coming my way.

* * *

><p>I walked over to the couch and sat opposite him, legs crossed. He was close enough to touch. I could easily reach for his hands, but I didn't. "The pregnancy scare," I whispered, staring down at the cushions.<p>

"You will never get through this if you don't look at him, April. Never."

I took a deep breath and looked into my husband's eyes. "It made me really mad when you left me. It hurt me so much." The tears were already behind my eyes. "I didn't want you to leave me. I was just happy that you weren't going to be forced into anything. I was excited for a second that I was going to get to fall in love with you slowly. And because I bruised your ego you left me. I know you had feelings for me. But you just started having sex with her. Why? To get back at me for hurting your feelings? I know the dates were my idea but they didn't even have to happen if you didn't leave me on that bench. You had sex with her in that car, when I was just trying to find a date to distract me. Because you twisted my words and left me stuck in love."

I burst into tears and he reached for me, but I pulled away. If Dr. Craven wanted mad, I was going to be mad. If I let Jackson touch me, I would melt and the whole point of this would be lost. "Oh sweetheart, I regret that. I've told you, I'm sorry I hurt you."

"You hurt me and you made me mad, Jackson. So many things about our life might be different if you just…And the storm. You were so mean to me that night and it pissed me off. You had almost just died. Even if you didn't love me, you could've been kinder. I loved you and you were such a jerk."

"Babe. I'm sorry. I was confused."

"That doesn't mean it was OK to talk to me like that." The anger in my voice surprised me. "That made me so angry."

"Good girl, April. Keep going," Dr. C encouraged me.

"Forget about the fact that you stood up at my wedding. That was really the moment you chose? But never mind, you changed my life. It just made me really mad that…yes, you declared your love for me in a very big way. But you never actually proposed. You never got down on one knee and we didn't really have a wedding, not like I dreamed of. With our families there and a princess dress and butterflies or a field and…it's not OK with me that I just woke up one morning with a ring on my finger, either. That is not romantic. You don't even try to be romantic Jackson. Not anymore, really. Except the notes if you have to leave for work before I wake up after sex. Sometimes I get angry because I deserve more romance. Why can't you show me and other people you love me any other way besides kissing? PDA is so hard for me." My tone begged for an answer but he couldn't give one.

"You do. You're right. You do."

"I miss having popcorn and champagne with you, Jackson. It makes me angry that you don't even think about what I deserve anymore! I know you love me, but there are different ways to show it. I love sex too, but it makes me really angry that that's what you go to instead of expressing emotion. "

"What else, April you're avoiding a big topic. He can handle it. He has no choice. What did he avoid, once you had three kids?"

"Throwing money at me does not excuse you from parenting responsibilities. Just because I'm immune to the chicken pox, doesn't mean I should have to take care of three babies alone when I'm seven months pregnant." I started crying huge angry tears, really feeling them for the first time. Because this involved my kids.

"That's not all he did. He didn't just ignore your request to come home and help you take care of the kids. What else did he do, when he got home?"

"My sick babies needed me." I started shaking at the memory. "You took my babies out of bed 'cause you didn't want to sleep on the couch. I didn't ask you, Jackson. I told you. And you woke all of my sweet girls up because you wanted to be comfortable. You took them away from me!" My hand appeared out of nowhere, slapping him across the face. I yelped and jumped backwards, not expecting the sound it made.

"It's alright April. You're just really feeling anger right now. What else, what else made you mad? You're safe. It's fine to feel these things. Keep going. I could only hear the doctor's voice. Jackson's face, though right in front of me, was blurry. No one was going to acknowledge the slap.

"When Bellie broke her arm, I know I was there. I know I was the one there, but I was also the one who sat with her for hours in the ER, then you came in like Superman to save the day with the pink cast…and you took her and bought her ice cream and you made me the bad guy. That's not OK, Jackson. I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't the bad guy. And I spent the rest of the day worried about my baby. And you didn't call. And then poor Tee was worried all night. And sad because she didn't get ice cream. Sometimes you just do things out of anger and that's not OK, it just made my life harder. That was mean. You were being mean just because you wanted to blame me and you never apologized. Just because I was the one watching her when it happened, doesn't mean I should be punished. That made me so angry because I took care of her. That wasn't my fault."

We both just stared at each other, not sure what to say. I didn't have any other words, and Jackson, well…It was really hard for me to read him, sometimes. "Can I see my kid now, please?" Jackson looked at Dr. C and raised his eyebrows, as eager as I was for an answer.

"There's one more thing, April. You know what it is. Take a deep breath and get it over with."

Jackson turned to me. "It's partly your fault that I'm here. You haven't really been pulled your weight since Brae was born. It pissed me off that you didn't really care of you missed Bellie's show. You didn't! And obviously we love all the girls but you two have a special bond, Jackson! And you just didn't give."

"April, that's not…" But Dr. Craven eyed him and he shut up.

"And now you can't get that back. I took a picture or two, but that's it. You'll always have missed your oldest daughter's preschool graduation show. You chose surgery. You always fucking choose surgery and the hospital and I let you! Uggghhhh! I let you use sex to avoid things. We have to stop doing that! I'm not making a sex tape ever again. That made me so angry. I can't believe I did that for you. I'm an idiot. You were just trying to distract me. That's not gonna work anymore. I'm gonna get angry!" My tears started again but I had to get this out. "And I'm gonna yell and SCREAM and CRY because if I don't…if I pretend for you forever, I'm gonna hurt my kids again. And I refuse to do that. So you'd better fucking step up and be ready, Jackson. I'm not gonna take it anymore. You not being around for stuff. I know it could be worse, but that doesn't mean it's OK treat me badly. You are part of the reason I'm here. We have four babies. Four. And I needed help! And no matter what I hid from you, it's not OK that you weren't there for me! You're not a stupid man. It's common sense. Our oldest baby isn't even five…She's not even five."

I started shaking again. "I need help. You need to help me. You need to be there. And I need you to say that you're part of all of this. We're both to blame for…" I swallowed hard, upset even thinking about it. "For Tee and…for all of this. Please! Say it. Because sometimes you make me feel so guilty for being here. Like I owe you everything because you let me pray with them at night. I don't owe you anything. And it pisses me off that you think that. And it's NOT OK TO HIT ME, or think about it. I understand that you snapped and this is hard. But you don't get to intimidate me anymore. I'm not weak. I can leave you. It would be hard, because I love you. But I can do it and I will if you don't change. Me and my girls, we deserve the best."

He smiled at me, a small, sad smile then nodded at Dr. Craven. Without a word, he walked out of the room and to the elevator.

"Oh God, what is he doing? Did I really say something really bad? I thought he could take it. I…"

"April relax, he's fine. Everything's fine. He's going to get your baby."

* * *

><p>"April, I'm part of the reason you are here. I'm part of the reason all of our girls are having a hard time. But I'm also part of the reason we have this sweet little Laidy. I just changed her but I thought you might like to feed her. She's just a little fussy because she's hungry. Would you like to do that? Or I can feed her quick before you hold her, either way."<p>

He asked, bringing tears to my eyes. "Thank you for saying that. And thank you for asking. I think I would like to try and feed her. Will you stay close, though? I understand she might be scared."

"Of her mama? No way. I don't think so." He kissed Laidy's forehead and handed her to me. He tested the temperature of the milk on the back of his hand before handing me a bottle. It was the sexiest thing I'd seen in a long time.

"You're such a good daddy."

He blushed. "She won't drink it if it's too cold so…"

"I know, I remember very well. Our sweet girl doesn't fuss too much, that's how I did it for six weeks pretty much alone…" He looked away from me, ashamed. "But our girl definitely has her diva moments…."

I stopped talking as I locked eyes with my daughter. She immediately started drinking, looked at me, and her tiny little fingers wrapped around my hand. "Hi, my love. Hi, my sweet girl. It's your Mama. I have missed you so much, Laidy girl." I tried to make sure my sobs were quiet, so I didn't disturb her.

"I love you so much. And you know who else loves you? Jesus loves you, and He's been watching over you for me. Jesus loves you Adelaide Reese, I bet you haven't heard that enough lately." I kissed her forehead.

My husband rolled his eyes. "Your mom has been here for two weeks."

"Doing whatever you asked of her. Including _not _taking your daughters to church." I wasn't angry about it. Not any more than usual. He took us to church, but always tried to talk me out of it and into the zoo, or the movies, or anything else besides worship. It's part of the reason why I agreed to one Sunday a month of no church. Compromise, also known as a way to get my husband to stop whining every week; remind him that Sunday Funday is real in the Avery household.

"I'm sure she snuck in some prayers during feedings. There's a rebel in Karen somewhere. She diid give birth to you, miss 'Yeah bitch, I wanna go.'

"Ha! That's _Mrs. _'Yeah bitch, I wanna go' to you mister." We laughed, but all of the sudden Adelaide started crying and I panicked. "Oh no Jackson…I… here she wants you. You finish."

"Breathe April." Suddenly I remembered we were in a therapy room. I was being monitored, watched, because I wasn't ready to be a mother again, yet. "Come on, you're OK, you don't want to give her back to him yet."

"April, she doesn't want me. She wants to be burped. You can do it, Mama." His confidence, the fact that he wasn't blinking or hesitating, grabbing her, or worried in the least; his faith in me is what struck me in the moment.

"Which way do you…how does she…" There were a few different ways to burp a baby. Being that she was bottle fed, Laidy probably got burped more than any of my girls. She must have a preference. There must be a method. But I'd forgotten it, even after just two weeks.

"Just over the shoulder, sweetheart. She usually needs a tap or two, but it will come out."

I put the cloth Jackson offered me on my shoulder and did as he told me to. "Shh! Alright, you're alright Adelaide. Almost done eating." She let out a tiny burp as I rubbed her back in small circles. "There! We did it muffin! We're OK!" I kissed my daughters cheek, eliciting a tiny baby noise. Not quite a giggle, yet. "Look, Jackson, she's smiling! Babe! That's a real…is that really her first…"

He nodded from his spot next to me and slid his arm around me. "Yup. Of course she was saving it for Mama." He smiled at Laidy. "Good girl. The tooth fairy will be extra generous after that first tooth, just like I promised. I won't forget."

I smacked him, making him laugh. "See though? You're catching things. New words, smiles. They're saving things for their mommy."

"I don't know about that. It's more like luck, I'd say."

"Not God?" Jackson asked, completely sincere. He wasn't normally serious when he asked about religion, but sometimes he tried.

"Yeah babe," I tilted my head, thinking about it. "Maybe it's God."

"What's your anxiety level right now, April?" Dr. Craven pulled me back to my reality.

"Right now, here with my baby girl and my husband, watching first smiles? Liike…a 6.5." Honesty was the only thing that was going to get me out of here.

"Really? I'm surprised. Why so high…you took your morning meds, right?"

"Yes. I don't know…I guess I'm worried she might get fussy again…And I just yelled at Jackson…"

"April, I've never deserved it more. We're fine. I love you."

"Really?" I raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"Really. Bring that anxiety down to a five. We've got a half hour. Relax. Enjoy her."

"Not you?"

"Me? Nah. With any luck I'll look like this for at least two more years. This one? She's growing every day."

* * *

><p>"Yeah I know." She looked down at the floor and whispered softly. Fuck. Would I ever learn?<p>

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean…"

"I know. It's just…life. It's life. She's growing. I'm not there. That's how it has to be for now."

"But not forever."

"Not forever." She smiled tentatively.

"I think you'll both be alright at a 5, yeah? I'm gonna give you some guys time alone. But I'll see you tomorrow for a session." Dr. C nodded at her, and when she nodded back, he left. We could do this.

"Are you sure you're not mad?" she asked, when he shut the door.

"April, look at the baby in your arms, just look at her sweet face."

"She's gonna have your eyes, babe. Tenley had these beautiful blue eyes before they turned green. She looks so much like you, now."

"I think she has your nose…"

"Jackson, my nose is not my _real_ nose."

"I know. I'm a plastic surgeon. I'm good at visualizing the "before." Although yours is kinda hard. It's not my work."

"I kinda wish it was. It's still a little wide."

"Oh stop. If I did your rhinoplasty I couldn't marry you, technically. Plus, you're perfect."

"Please. I'm not perfect. I know I'm not. You should have a chance to say why you're mad at me. Go ahead."

"April, I've already…besides, there's no point in talking about it without Dr. C here, not yet."

"So there's still things…you're mad about…"

"No babe! You know everything that frustrated me. I've said it. You needed help to say it. That was the point of this. To help you feel anger, not me."

"But I knew it! I knew you were…you can't just come here with the baby and…Maybe he was right. Maybe we should've separated it into two days."

"Relax babe! Breathe. You're ruminating. Take a deep breath, please? I'm not mad at you. I'm proud of you…Here, let me take the baby. She's gonna notice you're…" Adelaide started to cry, and April's eyes widened. Her hands started to shake, ever so slightly.

"Jackson, wh-what…" The tears started to fall.

"Alright here. Just give her to me…" I carefully took the baby from my wife's arms. "Hi Adelaide. Hiii girl. Shhh, shhh, shhh!" I bounced her slightly in my arms. It seemed to calm her. "There we go! Everything's fine, everyone's happy Laidy…Good girl. That's right. Sleep baby." I kissed her and put her in the carrier before turning to April.

"See? She doesn't…they don't want me. They're not gonna want me."

"April…what? They want you home so badly, Mama. They were so happy this morning, to hear your voice and see your face!" I knew it would probably make for a difficult and emotional night for everyone, but it'd worth it for those smiles. "Laidy's a baby. She felt your anxiety escalate, that's all April! She was so happy to be in your arms she smiled, babe! Come on, maybe you just need some rest, it's been a long morning." I helped her up from the couch and grabbed Adelaide in the carrier. "Come on, let's get you to bed," I said, kissing her forehead.

I made sure April was calm and in bed before going down to the daycare with Laidy. I was barely out of the door frame when my beeper sounded. 911. It was 10 a.m.

"House fire spread down half a block!" Dr. Kerrigan told me when I raced into the ER. She was pulling a gurney. A young man was moaning in agony. "All the houses were university-owned." No matter if it was a half-day, it was definitely going to be a long one.

* * *

><p>"Daddy! Dese fish sticks are ascusting. You burned them. I am not eatin' dese."<p>

"Well, that's dinner, babe. I'm not making another one so…" I chuckled to myself. "Quite simply Arabella, you are gonna have to suck it up and chew."

"You suck it daddy!" I'd earned that one, so I stayed quiet. "I want nuggies!"

"Trust me, I wish there were nuggies left over. But all that was left was fries and salad. So you're having crispy fish sticks, fries, and salad."

"How come Nana didn't cook or you didn't take da food Gramma maked fer us out the feezie."

"Because we have to finish the fries and the salad. Nana's on a date. And she gets no joy out of cooking so…you are lucky you have one grandma that was thinking of your tummies before she left. Just put a lot of ketchup on them, girls."

"Yucky!" Brae told me what she thought of that idea. She threw a barely nibbled at, ketchup soaked fish stick at my head. It hit my cheek and slid down my body, staining my favorite Celtics sweatshirt.

"Hey! You do that again, Braelyn Audrey, you get a time out. You know what you're doing."

"How come you not eben eatin' dem daddy. Not fair!" Because as soon as they were in bed I had a date with a bacon cheeseburger (thanks to the place down the street that delivered until 11) and my wife. A phone date, of course.

"I ate already at work," I lied. But I picked up the stray fish stick in front of me. "I'd eat it, see?" I took half a bite and forced myself to smile as it went down. Nothing better than slightly burnt, tasteless cardboard fish sticks. But with ketchup? They could deal with it for a night. "How are you doing, Princess?" I turned to Tenley.

"No good!" Tenley said, matter of fact. She gulped, staring down at her untouched plate.

"Sweetie can you tell me why? We washed your hands. And you have the plate with the sections."

"Have to eat eveeething wit my fingies?"

"Oh. No not at all Tee. Sorry, daddy forgot. You want to do cutting and counting? Really sweetheart? It's just daddy and your sisters here, you're that nervous?"

"Have to cut it, pease my daddy? And there's one, two tree, four, five sticks. I wants four pease."

"OK baby girl. OK." I went to her to start our mealtime routine. Thoughtlessly, I threw the extra fish stick on to Arabella's plate.

"One, two, tree, four…" Tenley smiled as she counted the even number of sticks before we started cutting them up.

"HEY! I said dese are gross why you throwed one more on my plate? Not nice! Why you bein' a stupid-face jus' acause you helpin' Tee not cry?"

"Arabella please just eat three of them for me? C'mon. I have to help your sister. Be a big girl for me, Bellz. Also, you get one warning for calling names. Next time you misbehave you're eating alone upstairs in your room. I'm not in the mood tonight."

I turned my attention back to Tee. "One, two, three, four." We said counted together for the first two sticks, And then Bellie got annoyed and desperate for attention. She reached over and grabbed two pieces of fish from her sister's plate, throwing them on the floor.

Tenley burst into tears. I dropped my knife and picked up Bellie in one hand, her plate in the other. "I WANT MY MOMMY!" She fought, kicked, and even scratched her way all the way up the stairs.

"You're a big girl. And I warned you what your punishment would be. You know how hard it is for your sister to eat, lately. So, especially if you're gonna touch her food like that, you're eating up here. Just eat three fish sticks. There's six there. That's half. I'll be back when your sisters are finished." But thanks to her behavior, I had little faith we'd finish dinner at all, tonight.

"You mean! I want my mommy, stupid-face."

"Bellie, a face can be ugly, but it can't be stupid. And I want your mommy here too, just as much as you do." More. Because I understood 100 percent of the reason why she was gone. Or, at least I understood as much as anyone who wasn't April could. "Daddy's tired. Please just eat your food."

"OK, Tee, where were we?" I feigned cheer as I ran back downstairs. Somehow I was gonna have to juggle getting her to eat with making sure Bellie was eating safely. I realized I definitely didn't think the logistics of my punishment through.

Tenley was sitting in front of her plate, slowly rocking back and forth. "I know that threw you off baby. But you were doing such a good job, how can I help you, huh? Tell daddy."

"I can't eat dese. I can't. Acause Bellie touch-ed dem." As soon as she said it, the second ketchup-dipped fish stick of the night came flying at my head.

"Bye fishy. Bye."

"Hey, three strikes and it's time out for you, missy!" I warned Brae. But it was clear that I was committing some form of child abuse by making them eat these fish sticks. What would April do?

"What does mommy do, Tee. When she burns something?" An outsider might think I was crazy, essentially asking my kid for parenting advice. But there was a method to my madness. I wanted to do what they were comfortable with. And I had honestly never seen my kids put up a fight while eating. My wife was an amazing cook.

Tenley shrugged and confirmed my fear. "My mom don't burns it."

"Okaaay. Well Daddy can…" I ran to the fridge, taking a quick look inside. "Daddy can make you a sandwich. How about turkey and cheese with your French fries. Bellie didn't touch those."

"OK." Tenley was indifferent, but I had to get food in her stomach.

I brought Bellie downstairs and made her apologize, and then I made everyone turkey and cheese sandwiches. The rest of dinner was quiet, for the most part. Tenley was pretty calm about sandwiches, surprisingly. Even though it was turkey bread and cheese call touching each other, cut it in fours on her plate and she was happy. As it always did, this type of inconsistency calmed me. It confirmed that her tendencies, however severe they were at times, were not all-consuming. Still, she needed help to deal with it. We both did. And we were going to get it, tomorrow.

Brae and Arabella were too scared of time-out to say much. But Bellie surprised me when I tucked her in at bedtime. "Dad, I sorry I naughty. I haved a bad day, to-day."

"Even though you saw Miss Melanie and visited God _and_ had gymnastics, today?" I looked at her, concerned.

"I haved fun, but I haved a bad day of missin' my Mama."

"I understand, Bellie. We all have bad days. It's alright. But can you promise to try to remember to be an extra good girl when it's time to eat? That will help your sister Tee so much."

"It will?"

"So much."

"OK. Dad, when is Mama comin' home? You miss her, too?"

"I miss your mommy so much. But she misses us too. She wants to come home so badly and give her Bellie lots of hugs."

"And beat me at Dance Dance Rev-lution?" We were very competitive in the Avery household. As soon as they turned three, our girls learned that sometimes they won and sometimes mommy or daddy won or their sisters won.

I smiled. "She told me today..she said 'Jackson, I can't wait to beat my diva ballerina at 'Dance Dance Revolution." I tickled her and kissed her cheek, making her giggle. "Goodnight, Arabella. Tomorrow, I know you're gonna be so good you are gonna have no time outs _and_ earn a sticker."

"Yeah dad! I will tell Tee I proud of her fer the eatin' she dos. I love you to the moon. How come you doesn't say dat always? Only mom's job?"

"I just forget. We can share jobs. We do share jobs. I love you to the moon, Arabella Catherine."

"I love you to the moon, Daddy Abery."

* * *

><p>"April…it was really hard. All three of them freaked out at dinner and then again before bed. It was crazy." I took the first huge bite of my burger, closing my eyes and leaning back in my desk chair.<p>

She was sympathetic on the other end of the phone. "Well, I've never dealt with three dinner meltdowns of different kinds over burnt fish sticks, babe. All I've got for you is…don't burn them next time, maybe?"

"No. That wasn't…I don't deserve your…My point was just, you've probably dealt with worse alone, better than I did. I…I haven't been there and I'm…I'm sorry. I'm stepping up, from now on. Equal parenting responsibilities. 50/50. We can even write out what that means to you."

Our calls had gotten longer, lately. April was making progress, and we were able to talk about things in more detail by ourselves. "Well, let's not do that tonight. But I know you will. I'm proud of you for making the appointment for Tee."

"That's nothing to be proud of, April. That should've been done a week ago, at least."

"That's not true Jackson. Don't tell me when to be proud of you. We each have our own challenges, in this whole mess I made." My wife was an angel.

"We. We made the mess."

"Right, we."

"Oh but, speaking of challenges. I think it's really hard for Bellie to do video calls. It makes her miss you more. I think for Tee they're fine, though. Mixed with her party, it was tough. But she was so happy about telling you about her big girl plate."

"Sweetie, you're doing so well…noticing their feelings and stuff. So, what do you suggest we do for her?"

"I don't know. It's so confusing. I mean, she's usually OK just praying with you."

"I have an idea. Why don't you just ask her? I know she's young. But just…explain that if she wants to come visit, she can. But let her know that I wouldn't be coming home. Don't mention that it might be the last time though."

I was a little bit skeptical. "Yeah? You think that'd work? She'll get it?"

"Yeah. Our big girl is so smart."

"She's been asking for you when she acts out. And today she admitted she was frustrated because she missed you."

"See? She knows if she'll be able to handle it."

"OK, ask her then." We were quiet for a second. I was hesitant to bring up the other subject on my mind. "So…speaking of almost coming home, babe...Do you think you'll be ready? Two weeks? Really? What happened today?"

"It was just a lot of anxiety, Jackson. The doctor was right. I shouldn't have dealt with the anger and seen the baby in the same day."

"I'm sorry. That was all me…." I swallowed a sip of a strawberry milkshake. "I shouldn't have been so angry about what he decided…I just…"

"Shhhh! It was the best. I loved loving on my baby girl. You know who I miss loving on though?" There was mischief in her voice, and I could picture her biting her lip, a coy smile on her face.

"Who, April?"

"You, babe. Two weeks is a long time for me to go without an…you know."

"Two weeks without an orgasm? Who said you would have to? We know all of the best places to fool around in that hospital." I was teasing, but it was true.

"I know you can't…I bet you have…well…I just, hope you think of me when you…"

"Of course. Only you."

"I was thinking about it and maybe we could…maybe it would be healthy for me to…you know. Be OK with doing that…for like when you're away and stuff." I could just see her in my mind, white as a ghost, dancing around the topic of masturbation. She'd grown up learning that sex was a sacred act between a man and his wife, and that anything else was a dirty sin.

"Sure babe, yeah. If you're sure you are comfortable with it. I know it's a struggle for you, a tricky topic." I cleared my throat. "Go to town. Just think of me, promise?"

"Jackson! No! I mean…yes. But I wouldn't do it without you…you know…over the phone…"

She let her voice trail off and the nervousness she felt waiting for my answer was palpable over the phone."Ohhh….April Grace, would you like me to tell you what I would do to you if I…"

"Yes, please!"

"Right now?"

"Yes! Please?"

"Well first of all, it's really hard to make anything happen in that bed, we'd have to go somewhere else. If I were there, where would you want to go? You like to stop the elevator…"

"No. Your office."

"Ahh, you really are feeling adventurous, tonight. I don't think I'd be able to control myself for long. I would just lift you up on my desk with one arm and…"

"My dad?" There was a tiny knock at my door.

"Oh sweetheart. Tee's at the office door. You want to stay on or…"

"Yes, yes please!" As quickly as we had started our little fantasy, we ended it, both going into "parent" mode. I switched the phone to speaker but left it on my desk.

"My Tenley girl. What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"I so-rry but I haved a nigh-mare."

I picked her up, heading to my desk. "Don't say sorry for that."

"But I comed down stairs in dark 'acause I didn't want Bellie, I want my daddy. Take sticky away?"

"No sweetie. Remember? Daddy's sorry I said that one time. You don't get in trouble for having nightmares."

"OK. Where my Nana?"

I rolled my eyes. "Your nana is having a sleepover with Uncle Richard. But guess who is on the phone right now?"

"Who?" Tenley looked between me and the phone, excited.

"Hi sweetheart."

"My Mama!"

"Yup, that's her."

"My mom, I haved a nigh-mare. I need my daddy to come to sleep now."

"Alright, sweet girl. I'll let him go to sleep now. But first…do you know where you're going tomorrow?"

"Yes, we talked about it before prayers, right?"

"Oh yes! Goin' to a doc-er for helpin' wit my nervies and nigh-mares. Wit my daddy. You wants to come, Mama?"

"Yes, love. I want to come. But I can't, remember? The doctors here are helping me get better, too." April was so good at explaining things to the girls that she very much wished she could be there with them. They knew she loved them.

"Oh yeah, that's OK, mom. What they helpin' you for? Restin'?"

"Resting. And you know what else? Mama has nervies, too. Just like you, Tee."

"OK," she whispered it quietly, looking down at the desk. She wasn't sure how to handle that revelation.

"Here you want a sip? Our secret." I handed Tee my milkshake cup, and she giggled when it hit her tongue.

But she raised her eyebrows at me. "But you just telled my mama. She can hear us, my dad."

April and I laughed as our daughter explained the concept of the phone to me. "Yeah. But she doesn't know what it is."

"Oh. A sperry milkshake. 'Cause you love sperry my dad. Aways get sperry evee-thing."

"Shhh! You just told her silly girl." April was cracking up on the other end.

"Oh…oops."

"That's OK, Tee. Strawberry milkshakes help you feel better after nightmares, right?"

"Yes dey dos, my mama."

"Hey Tee…Mama was so happy to see your big girl plate, today. Do you think you can send me another picture of it, tomorrow?"

"OK my Mama. Jus' brek-fas OK? Dats all."

"Only breakfast, Tenley girl." April's whisper was soaked with sadness.

"Alright, Tee. It's really time for bed, now. Meet me my the stairs, please? I'm coming, I promise."

She wouldn't go upstairs without me, anyway. "Mama, can you say for me da helpin' words."

"Absolutely. Daddy has to do the kisses, though. Ready? Bad dreams, bad dreams go away. Sweet dreams, sweet dreams here to stay. Bad dreams, bad dreams go away. Sweet dreams, sweet dreams, sweet dreams here to stay. I love you to the moon, Tenley Justine."

"I love you to the moon, mama and daddy." No 'my,' a small victory. I had to place three kisses on her cheek before she would jump down from my lap.

"Sorry babe, that was a little more sad than what you had in mind to end this call, huh?"

I could picture her shrugging. "Yeah. But it was better. I'm glad to be there for her. We're all really starting to go through this, whatever it is. But she'll make it. So will Bellie."

"So will you, April. We'll all get through."


	15. Chapter 14: Secrets

**Happy New Year TGO readers! Thanks for taking this ride with me. This chapter goes pretty deep into everything. And everyone actually. Or a lot of people, anyway. I'm pretty happy with it. But please be patient. I never know where I'm going next. As always, please let me know what you think. I honestly get some reviews on here and messages on Tumblr that take my breath away, sometimes. These girls are your babies too, in a way. So, let me know you're reading. Let me know what you think of all of these little journeys. I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"Wow. I'm surprised you guys aren't on top of each other again. Something happen?" Dr. C raised his eyebrows, bemused as he walked into the room.<p>

"What? I'm on the couch, he's on the couch. We're both on the couch." April spit, defensive.

"But you built the pillow wall, babe. It's pretty obvious something's wrong. Tell me. Tell us." For once it seemed the doctor and I were on the same team.

"I was excited to see you guys today. We've pretty much been through it. I was excited to let you guys talk about whatever you want. Whatever you need to. I thought maybe you'd want to discuss the steps you need to take to get home, April. Actually start thinking about home." I squeezed her hand encouragingly, but she pulled away.

"Ha! Home? Home? I hit my husband yesterday. I slapped him across the face. And both of you want to ignore it. You want me to go home soon, doctor? Please, by all means, keep the jokes coming." April made a show of taking a sip of water.

"We can talk about it. By all means, go ahead."

"You guys think it's nothing. Like I just slapped him on the wrist. I. HIT. HIM."

"You did and…"

"It's not OK. Saying it's OK is a little sexist. A lot sexist actually. When he almost hit me Dr. C you…"

"Jackson didn't desperately need to release anger."

"Babe…It's OK that you hit me because…"

"NO! No! It's never OK to…"

"It is. A slap, a physical expression of anger not meant to harm someone, not done intentionally to leave a scar, is unfortunate but all right. In the heat of the moment, they happen. I will not teach my daughters that until they are older, much older. But it's the truth."

"So you want to teach our daughters that…"

"That it's not alright for a man to hit a woman. Or for a woman to hit a man. But sometimes it happens." She gave me the "you're crazy" look. The one she gave me the day we almost decided to get married, and then again right before we did get married. I actually liked that look. I didn't take it as seriously as I probably should. I loved that look.

"So if a man ever hit them or tried to hit them you would tell them to…." She paused purposefully, waiting for my response.

"Hit him back. And then leave him…and then…I don't know. It depends. It would depend on the situation. We can't play the 'what if' game here."

"What if the exact same thing happened to them that's happening to us? That did happen to us."

"Can't say, they have different personalities than both of us."

"April, if I may cut in here. If you did something wrong, out of anger…. We all know it was wrong but the second it happened he forgave you because…"

"Because I wanted you to do it," I finished Dr. Craven's sentence. "Because it's the anger I needed to see to know my wife was coming back to me."

"And why did you forgive him, April?"

"Because he didn't hit me. Because even though he was in control of his anger, he did hit a breaking point. He made a mistake, regretted it instantly. Apologized."

"So now you both know the reason behind each other's forgiveness. We can dwell or we can move on to other, more interesting topics. Like the girls or coming home soon or…"

"The girls. Before I come home, they have to be getting help somehow…that has to be in motion. Not new…I don't want that to be brand new. And the three of them need it, Jackson. All three of them. In different ways, maybe. And definitely for different reasons. But they all need it." She eyed me tentatively, not knowing how I would react, but familiar with how hesitant I was to seek treatment for them.

"I know," I whispered it, and couldn't meet her gaze because this should've been happening already. Today shouldn't be day one. She reached for my hand, laced her fingers with mine, and squeezed.

* * *

><p>"My dad, we can get a doggie, pease?"<p>

"No way! I don't like doggies. Not in my house."

"But my mama dos."

"I know. She likes all animals. Especially smelly farm ones." Tenley laughed from her spot on my lap. "But I don't want them in my house. You have two of your very own horsies Tee. Not many little girls have one, let alone two." All the girls had horses of their own both at the Kepner farm and in Boston, at the stable where Harper kept his riding horses. They were actually ponies. It was literally what some little girls dreamed of. Except, my girls didn't get to visit their animals often. "Which ones are yours, Strawberry and Elvis?"

"No my dad. Sperry Bellie's horsie. Sperry and Bandit hers. Choco an' Sunsine mines. El-vis mama's."

"Chocolate and Sunshine, that's right. How could I forget?" Because I never actually knew. "You wanna go visit them soon?"

"Yeah!" She smiled wide and clapped her hands excitedly as I looked at my watch. Five minutes until our appointment time. And the receptionist told me Dr. Woodall was running late. "I miss my horsies, my dad!"

"Yeah you love them. Daddy will take you to visit them more. Especially the one in Boston. Which one is where pop pop keeps his?"

"Umm. Think pop pop cares Choco fer me! Hope he dos good job!"

"He does baby. He takes good care of Chocolate." Because he just paid people to do it for him.

"My tummy's hungee my dad. We go get snack? You haves one?"

"No Tee, I'm sorry but as soon as we are done here, we're gonna go get dinner, you and me, OK?"

"You haves my plate?"

"No Tee, you'll be alright. You've always been fine at restaurants, before. I will help you."

"My dad, we can get a bouncy house fer al-ways in da yard?"

"No way silly! If we get a bouncy house for the yard, what will make birthdays special? And are you gonna chase Brae Brae around every night to get her to come in for dinner?"

Tenley wrinkled her nose at me, thinking. "No, I can't carry her," she finally said, indignant that I would even suggest giving her that job. She yawned. "What is here?"

"What's here? My friend Dr. Woodall is here, sweetheart. And we just visited Uncle Alex."

"What we gon' do here?"

"Wow you are asking so many questions, Tenley. Why?" I tickled her, eliciting a sweet giggle. "Are you nervous?" She nodded, silent.

"Don't be nervous. I think we're just going to play a game. And tell the doctor all about Tenley Justine. Can you help me do that? I know a lot about you, but you know about you the best."

Tenley nodded but wrinkled her nose at me again. "You don't knows lots 'bout me. Mama knows da most lots."

I swallowed and kissed the back of her head, trying not to let the truth get to me. I was prepared for this visit. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I insisted on being in the room for every visit. She was only three. Today, we were just going to play a game and let Tee tell us whatever she wanted to about herself. It was about her, not me. I couldn't let my past failures bruise my ego and make me miss the point of all this. "No Tenley, you know the most. That's why I need your help. Can you do that? Can you help me tell the doctor all about you?"

She nodded just as Sarah Woodall stepped into the waiting room. "Tenley? Hi! I'm Dr. Sarah. I'm so excited to meet you! Would you like to come back to my play room and play a game with me?"

"You haves Can-ee land?" she asked, skeptical. She didn't leave my lap.

"Of course I do!" Tenley slid down my knees, but did not walk toward the stranger.

"My dad's comin' in?"

"Yes he is! It's more fun with three people, right?" Tenley nodded at the doctor, then took my hand, leading me through the doorway behind Dr. Sarah.

* * *

><p>"Why dat da mid name?" Tenley turned her gaze away from the strange doctor and looked up at me from her spot on my lap.<p>

"Justine?" I shrugged. "Because it was the closest thing to 'Jackson' that your mama liked. We couldn't name you Jackson, could we?"

She giggled, her nervous giggle. "Your name?"

"My name, baby. Now answer the doctor. What do you like to do, Tenley girl?"

"Ummm…I likes to do dancin'. Cuppies, I likes to ride my horsies but I don't see dem lots. My dad say I can see dem soon."

"You have more than one horse? Lucky girl!" But Sarah Woodall knew all about the Avery family. Everyone who had any interest in medicine knew about us. April still had pre-med students spamming her inbox with interview requests, even though she hadn't been in practice for 18 months. The doctor knew I could buy my kids as many stables as I wanted to, if I wanted to.

Tenley nodded. "Choco and Sunsine mines."

"Does your Mommy like to ride horsies?" Dr. Woodall asked, as she set up the Candyland board.

"Ummm hmm! She haves one name El-vis. An' one name is Jacks. An a piggy name Jacks. And a chick name is Jacks. An' a cow name is Jacks. She dos it fer a joke wit my daddy. My daddy haves a horsie name is Ape-ril."

Sarah laughed, tucking a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "Just a horse?"

"Yeah. My dad don't like an-mals 'acause dey smelly. Not 'loud to have a doggie. He jus' telled me in da waitin'."

"Oh, that's sad. Why do you want a doggie?"

"My mommy want one fer a furry frien'."

"But your mommy has a lot of friends, right?"

Tenley shrugged. "Sometime my daddy, sometime Bellie." She tilted her head, thinking. All of my girls did that. "Brae Brae try friens, she don't do good. I can help her." She was half talking to herself now. "Laidy jus' a baby."

"What about you, Tee?"

"I mommy's frien' always." She whispered it, kicking her pink Velcro sneakers against my legs.

"You go first, pick a card sweetie."

"One, two geen," she said, picking a card and telling us what she saw.

"Good girl, move your piece, you know how to play." She did as I said.

"You're your mom's friend all the time? Even when she's acting scary?"

"Dr. Woodall I…"

"Dad, relax…it's your turn. We're just talking, right? Pick a card." I sighed and complied with her orders. I guess there was no point in paying if a little therapy didn't happen. And if not on the first day, when did I expect the hard stuff to start?

"My mama not scary. Jus' restin'. I not scared."

"Oh. Where's she resting, Tee?" Dr. Woodall picked a card and took her turn.

Tenley looked at me for approval and I nodded at her and kissed the top of her head. "Jus' hosi-tal. We owns it."

"She's resting at the hospital…why?"

Tenley shrugged and took her turn, moving her piece two blue spaces ahead. "You know why, Tee. Tell the doctor, it's OK."

"Ummm…she haves booboos 'acause she cutted hers-self. And nervies."

"You were there with her when she got the booboos right? Your daddy told me."

"Yeah," Tenley whispered to the floor again. I steadied her legs. Her kicks had been getting more frequent.

"Did she scare you then?"

"Sawed a man. I no see him. Did a cut. Say one. Did nother cut. Say two. Did nother liddle cut, say three. Say four he goed 'way for liddle bit."

"He went away? What did your mom say to you when she saw him?"

"No talked to me, jus' say get 'way from my baby girl. Sceamed loud, did cuts and counts. He goed 'way." We played through all of this, the doctor glancing at me to make sure I was playing along. Just a game of Candyland. There was nothing else going on here, nothing at all.

"Your daddy told me you do cuts and counts when you eat food, Tee."

"Yeah."

"Do you see a man? Do you see the man your mama saw?"

"No. He no dare when I cuts and counts jus' food." I took a deep breath in, tensing up and holding back tears. It was just a game.

"I see. When the man went away, Tee. Your mom talked to you then right? Did she say anything scary?" My hand shook as I took my next turn, moving my little cardboard person down the bight, candy-filled board. I moved my piece one yellow space instead of two, keeping Tenley in front.

"Hey. Dat said one, two yell-o dad."

"Yeah play the game right, dad. We can handle if you win, we're tough."

"Evee-one don't win all da time."

"I know Tee. You're right. Can you answer the doctor's question? What did mommy say when she whispered to you?" I'd been dreading the answer to this for two weeks.

"Jus' she sorry. She love Tee. Don't know what's happenin'. Not scary part." I let out the breath I'd been holding as Tee took her turn, and beat us fair and square, sliding her piece to the end of the board with a huge smile on her face.

"I think you get a sticker _and_ a lollipop today because you won. But just a few more minutes. I have something important I want to explain to you, OK?" Tenley nodded and smiled, anticipating her lollipop, I was sure.

"Pay attention sweetheart, to the doctor." I knew that whenever you mentioned any type of sweets to my girls it suddenly became extra hard for them to concentrate.

"Your daddy told me a lot about you before you came here, today." She smiled. "He told me you have nightmares. Do you have a lot of nightmares, Tee?"

"Yeah. Lotta kinds. Don't members. Jus' wake up an' hug my dad."

"That's OK, we're almost done. We're not going to talk about them today. I just wanted to tell you that the man your mom saw, when she was in the room? It was like a nightmare she was having while she was awake. It wasn't real, Tee. No man was coming."

My daughter wrinkled her nose and tilted her head. "Nigh-mare waked?" she asked the doctor, just confused.

"Yeah. They happen to people when they're really tired. But nothing in a nightmare is real, right?"

"Jus' bad dream. Daddy's real."

We all laughed. "That's right. I know it's hard to understand maybe. But that man wasn't real. He was just a nightmare your mom had. That's why she needed a long rest."

Tenley shrugged. "Oh, OK."

"So you don't have to cut and count your food, alright Tenley?"

"Ony sometime." She was talking to the floor again.

"I know you only do it sometimes. When you're extra nervous that the man might come, right?"

"Yes."

"He's not going to come, Tenley. I promise. He's not real, can you say that for me?"

"He no real."

"Right. So every time when you're eating this week I want you to try and remember that. And your dad is going to remind you. And you're gonna have to be strong, because at least one time this week when you get nervous and want to cut your food and count it, dad's gonna say no. Maybe he'll cut it but won't count with you. Or, maybe he won't need to cut it so he'll tell you to count by yourself, if you're eating chicken fingers or something. And then next time you see me, on Friday, I want you to tell me all about it. And your dad will help, if you forget."

"I have aparts plate?" Tenley asked me, expectantly.

"We're going to try not to, Tee. You're a big girl."

"Oh." She frowned.

"I gets sticky?"

"I think that's a good idea. We can start a separate chart for you in here, that way when you do the homework I give you, you get rewarded for it here."

"Miss Doc-tor?"

"Yes, Tee?"

"I can eat wit my mommy, I can tell her man's no real?"

"I think that would be a really good idea, Tee. When you visit. How about you try once with your mom and once with your dad at home?" Tenley nodded. She was excited to have homework like her big sister.

She got to put one sticker on her new chart for doing so well her first day, and she picked out a lollipop as a prize for winning the game. Then we said goodbye and told Dr. Sarah we'd see her on Friday. The first session was 45 minutes, but others would be a half hour, because she was pretty young for this therapy stuff.

We had a long way to go, and I still had a lot of questions. Why did she get nervous when she ate? April wasn't eating in that room. What were some of her nightmares? Why were finger foods her enemy, suddenly? But I had to remember that some of her behavior might not have reason behind it. She was just a little girl, after all.

She did make progress, today. I'd been too afraid to ask her what her mother whispered to her, sure I wasn't ready to handle the answer. But I had asked about the cutting and counting, and she'd only told me she was "nervy." I wondered what it was about Sarah Woodall that got her to open up more. Maybe it was just that she was around April's age. As much as I was trying, as close as we were getting, I knew that for Tenley, there was no replacing her mommy in certain situations. Maybe the doctor reminded her of her mommy.

"My dad? I haved fun today." Tee said as I fastened her into her car seat.

I'd spent the whole day with her, from breakfast until now. We went to the grocery store, which was a bigger deal than I had realized for a three-year-old. I viewed it as a necessary evil, because Karen was gone and even with the meals in the freezer, our cupboards were getting bare. She viewed it as a field trip, and didn't even ask for anything except chocolate chip cookies to share with everyone. Then we went to story time at the local bookstore, ate lunch, and went to the pool even though she didn't have lessons that day, which she also thought was amazing. Then we dried off and went to visit Uncle Alex for a little bit at work, until he'd kicked us out of his office and into the waiting room. The only thing I'd failed at was providing snacks. I was starving, and I was sure Tenley was too.

"Me too, sweetie. But it's not over yet. Let's go have dinner, OK? Just the two of us, that way we can really say we spent the entire day together." That made her giggle loudly, as I shut the sliding door and got into the driver's seat of our van. It was all I'd been using lately. It had officially gone from being a necessary evil to a friend of sorts.

"My dad?" she asked, as I started the engine.

"Yes Tee?"

"I nevee love you dis much afore." It was a knife to my gut. But I looked into the mirror and saw she had a huge smile on her face. Of course it was a compliment. Of course she meant well, and was just telling the truth. That's why it hurt so much. So much that I felt tears behind my eyes.

"What do you mean, baby?" But I had a good guess.

"I nevee play wit my dad dis much. Ony you and Bellie play. I nevee knowed I love you dis much."

"We played. Remember we made cuppies and visited mama? And we saw the dolphins together, just you and me."

"Yeah! Dat time I love you more but dis time was 'tire day. Eat brek-fast, eat dinner. An' I love you so much mores."

"Thank you baby," I said. But I was so ashamed. My baby girl shouldn't be able to count the times we've played together on one hand. But although I loved my children, although I tried my best, that was a reality, especially for Tenley.

Arabella was the handful. She was the sass queen. She was the one April trusted me with those rare times she did need a break. Usually I'd have to talk to Bellie about her behavior, though it was hard to make a case that she was being punished, since our talks usually happened over strawberry ice cream.

Bellie was the daughter I understood best, the one who responded to my sarcasm the most. Tenley got excited over reading the kiddie Bible with April at night (though I was learning that all of my girls seemed to have their mother's faith for now, whether I liked it or not). She liked to watch her mother cook, and sing her younger sisters to sleep. She seemed to connect to the parts of my wife I was most disconnected from. So I had just let them be.

Of course I loved my daughter. I knew I showed her love. I'd just never gone out of my way to ask if she wanted to play a game with me instead of watching her mother cook. I never thought she would choose me, because in my mind, she would tell me if she wanted to play with me. Shame on me for not remembering the part of April's soul that needed me to show her love before she shared her secrets with me. Shame on me for not showing my daughter enough love.

"Tenley Justine, I love you to the moon. I have always loved you to the moon."

"Forevee?"

"Forever. Since you lived in mommy's belly." She smiled. "Wanna know a secret?"

"What?" She whispered, in case the people in the cars next to us heard, I guessed.

"Daddy was the first person to hold you, sweet girl. I was the first person you saw when you opened your eyes."

"No. I lived in mama's belly."

"You did, but I pulled you out of mama's belly." That wasn't the whole truth, but I wasn't going to explain the process of childbirth to my child, right now. "The doctors let me because I'm a doctor, too." And because I begged April. Since she had kept me out of a good chunk of Arabella's birth, I wanted to have a special part in Tee's. That's also why she got her middle name. We fought between "Jaclyn" and "Justine" for an hour. But I let April win that battle. I had secretly bought the house without talking to her first. I knew that wasn't going to make her happy.

"And then I cleaned you off and I wrapped you up and I said 'Hi Tenley, I'm your daddy and I love you.' And then after that I gave you to your mommy."

"Oh." Tee laughed. Her confused laugh. The one she used when she didn't quite know what to do with the information she was given. "Well, I love you when I sawed you. I members now. I jus' loves you more den afore."

"Me too, Tee. I love you more everyday." That made her happy.

"An' Bellie?"

"Yes."

"Brae Brae?"

"Yes."

"When she crazy?"

I chuckled. "Yes, she's not crazy, she's just…energetic sometimes. And I love Laidy more every day I know her."

"And my mama?"

"Especially your mama, sweet Tee. Now we gotta pick where to eat. Taco place or hamburger place?"

"What you wants?"

"Hmm. I could go for some tacos, OK? You think you can handle it? You have to eat that with your hands."

"Yeah. You will help me." It was a statement, not a question. That made me feel good. At least she knew that much, now.

"That's right. I will always love you and I will always help you. Now let's eat, I'm starving."

"Me too, my dad. My tummy maked a roar afore." We laughed as I parked the car. I was learning, but I still had a long way to go.

"Don't tell anyone that I let your tummy make a roar OK? I'm sorry."

"No worryin'. Us see-ret."

I nodded as I took her out of the car. "Our secret."

* * *

><p>"Come in," one of my four favorite voices (Laidy didn't really have a voice, yet) said when I knocked on her door after bath time with Tenley. Arabella sighed loudly and made a show of falling back on her pillowcase when she saw it was me. "Oh, I thinked it was Nana. Just you, ugly mon-kee face." She crossed her arms, pissed off.<p>

Everyday lately, her sass had me holding back laughter. Because it wasn't funny. Her four-year-old words aimed to hurt and I knew it. "Hey! My face is many things, but I know it's not ugly. And if I have a monkey face, you do, too. Would you like that? If I called you a monkey face?" I asked, sitting on the side of her bed.

"Whateber dad. Go 'way."

"I will not. I told Nana I'd do your hair. Come on, sit up, cross your legs, you know how this works." She stayed where she was, sourpuss on her face. "Arabella Catherine Avery, you have until the count of three. You are still awake. You can still get a time out. If you have something to say to me, say it. One…two…"

She bust into tears, but that never softened me. "Bellie, come on…you know how to tell me why you're mad..."

"You telled me you be back for bathie. You maked pro-mise. You broked it." Her cries escalated.

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. You wanna hear something funny? Mommy will be so mad when she hears this." She nodded, still crying. "Daddy forgot snacks for me and Tee. So when we were done with the doctor we were so hungry our tummies were growling." She sniffled and pretty much rolled her eyes at me. "It's true. Mine was roaring like a lion. Not just any lion, either," I said, remembering her love of The Lion King. "Like Scar!"

She gave a short giggle, wiping her tears. "You should've told Nana you wanted to wait for me. Or called, baby. I'm sorry."

"Don't want to sass Nana, dad!" She managed to get out, through hiccups.

"You can tell Nana things without sassing her. I know you can. I know it's hard to say your feelings Bellie, because you're like dad right?" She nodded seriously. "We hold them in sometimes, but that's not good. Next time you can tell Nana that you want to wait for Tee and me. And then you can take your bathie together. Now come on, sit up. I have to brush your hair."

She complied, but wasn't happy. "No to-gether with Tee! Don't likes her no more."

"Why are you saying that? Tee didn't do anything to you."

"You all da time wit Tee now. Never afore. You was my bes' frien'. Now jus' Tenley, Tenley, Tenley. All da time you helpin' Tee. Ow! Dat hurted." She whipped her head around when the brush snagged on a particularly stubborn group of tangles.

I sighed. "Oh Jan Brady, we talked about this. Tenley needs a lot of help right now because she was in the room when mama had….she had a nightmare, but she was awake. And it was very scary for Tee and that's why it's hard for her to see messes. That's why she counts when she eats. Daddy and a doctor need to help a lot right now. But the doctor's gonna help you too, diva. Tomorrow is your day with dad. And we're gonna go to the doctor, too."

"I not hurted. Not nervy." But I had just taken a month off. And I was going to use it to make sure that every one of my girls was happy.

"I know, sweetie. We're just going to talk. She's going to help us talk. I think we both need a little bit of help to express our feelings, yeah?" I asked, as I put the final hair tie in her braid. "It's not OK to call me an ugly monkey face when you're upset with me." I said, kissing her cheek and helping her under the covers. I held back laughter. "Daddy has feelings too, you know? And you hurt them."

"I'm sorry. I was jus' so mad, dad."

"Thank you for your apology, Arabella."

"Dad?"

"What?"

"You still loves me, right? Even when I so mad?"

The weight of her question and Tenley's statement earlier hit me hard. "Of course, Arabella."

"We still best friends?"

"Yes. Every one of my girls is my best friend." It was the truth. I couldn't imagine my life without any one of them. The fact that they were questioning my love tonight was hard to swallow. "Can we take some time this week to play, all three of us? Tee missed you today. She kept asking where you were."

"She did? But I was mad at her."

"But now you understand what happened today, right? And you're not mad anymore?"

"Yeah. I not dad. I say sorry? Gib hugs?"

"No sweetie. I just put her to sleep for the first time in her bed tonight. And you aren't mad anymore. So, this can be our secret."

"OK, just we knows."

"I love you to the moon, Arabella. Sweet dreams."

"…To da moon, daddy." She yawned as I shut off the light, already half asleep.

I checked on Tenley one last time, worried about her first night in her bed alone. I used her desire to please new people to my advantage, telling her that Dr. Sarah would be so happy to know that she was sleeping in her own bed again. But I did it for selfish reasons. I knew I needed a night with April.

So I begged my mom to let me go, tears in my eyes. She agreed to let me leave, on the condition that I was back to cook breakfast. I told her to have Tee call me if she woke up, and drove as fast as I could to my wife.

* * *

><p>"Jackson, what are you…" She was reading the Bible when I walked in, but immediately put it down when she saw the tears in my eyes. She ran to me, throwing off her covers, concerned. I thought about how cold she must've been. She was only wearing a nightgown, and I saw the bare tile of the hospital room floor send a chill through her body.<p>

"I love you, April! I love you so much." I cried as soon as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close to her.

"I know that. I always know that. Jackson, tell me what's wrong."

* * *

><p>Tears were streaming down his face. Silent tears, he wasn't sobbing. My husband didn't sob. But they were falling. I was literally watching them fall to the floor faster than I could wipe them away.<p>

"Do you want to…you must be cold, do you want to lay down with me?"

"Yes." I kissed him. "If that's what you want to do, I would love to cuddle with you Jackson." He nodded and we walked over to the bed. He took his shoes off without a word and we settled in to our usual spots, though we were significantly more cramped than we were in our bed at home. "Now what's wrong?" I asked, turning to look into his eyes. His beautiful green eyes that got greener whenever he was feeling anything extreme.

"Tenley said…" His tears started falling fast again. "She said 'I've never loved you this much before today, daddy.'" His emotions overwhelmed him again and he actually did start quietly sobbing into my chest.

"Oh Jackson." I kissed his forehead, his cheek, any part of his face I could. "Look at me. Listen to me. That means you're doing something right, babe. She was just telling you…well…I think she was saying something a little more than just 'I love you, dad'. You get that, right?"

"I guess. But it still….no little girl should even _have _to say that to her dad. She was saying that I was always with Bellie and so she never had a chance to love me so much."

"I agree. But we've made mistakes Jackson. We're healing. All of us. And for me and you that means accepting the damage we've done to the girls. It's hard, but we have to let them heal, too. We can't just ignore their progress if it hurts our ego."

"I know. But then…Bellie was so mad at me for spending the day with Tee. She asked me if we were still best friends…I can't…how did you…."

"It's impossible to give four children equal amounts of attention every day. It just is. You can't feel guilty for that. Anger is…both of you are good at being angry…she's healing too. She just probably needs a little attention."

"And she'll get it. Tomorrow she has Woodall in the morning and then I was going to bring her here, OK?" He started to cry again.

"OK Jackson. That's good. We need to see each other. I miss her desperately. Maybe she needs to hear that. That's all. Hey, hey…calm down Jackson shhh." I tried to soothe him as his cries got louder, but I wasn't used to this role. "You're doing a good job, Jackson. I know it hurts, I know it's hard. But you are. You are holding them together right now. And me. You are. Alright. Ok. Let me take care of you right now. Let go. Just a minute. I have to get up. I'll be right back."

I jumped out of bed and went over to the door to lock it. Before I crawled back under the covers, I opened the drawer at my bedside and pulled a condom out from my recently acquired stash. "I've got friends in high places," I whispered, trying not to blush as I put it on top of the table for if (when) we needed it. I immediately climbed on top of my husband and kissed him, wiping away one last stray tear.

"Mmmm! April. Hi."

"Hi honey." Both of us were desperate, hungry. But we were also content to just kiss for longer than usual. It had been awhile since we had time alone to make love. It had been awhile since we both _wanted _to be alone and make love. It was a little bit over 48-hours since whatever happened on Saturday. But whatever we did that night... Actually, whatever _he _did to me, that was not about love. It was about control. And fear. He was afraid of my anger, I was afraid of his. We were both a different kind of desperate, the bad kind.

But right now, I was just desperate to love my husband the way he deserved to be loved in the moment. The way he _needed_ to be loved. Sure, sex was sometimes just sex for him. But truthfully, neither of us was casual about it often. That's part of the reason why we were in the situation we were in right now. Why I was thinking about the best ways to please Jackson in a cramped hospital bed instead of our king size bed, where we were pretty much free to try whatever we wanted.

And my poor husband. Jackson could take care of himself, I was sure. But I knew he loved my body. Wanted it. Needed me to please him. Two weeks was a lifetime.

"April, where are you, babe? Where'd your mind go. Come back. Relax. Here…let me…" I had allowed him to take my top off, my bra. I had tried to allow him to please me, while I pleased him. Tried to create a perfect balance of power.

But when he tried to flip me, ever so subtly anticipating losing control, I knew I had to face one of my biggest insecurities. I had to fight the urge to submit to my husband. "No! Jackson. I want to take care of _you_. Let me have control baby. Please."

I whispered the last part in his ear too softly, made him think he had a choice. "April. Let's wait baby. Don't you want to wait 'til you're home, sweetheart? We'll have all the time in the world, at night in that big bed. We can do other things, right now."

And there it was. I laughed a little at the irony. Our biggest problem to me, in that moment, seemed to be related to sex. I'd never anticipated that sex with my husband would be as…complicated as it was, when I'd wake up blushing after a dream at vacation Bible school. But I was determined to work through our...issues.

"Nuh uhh. I know it's hard for you. I know you aren't _trying _to be a jerk right now. But it's as hard for me to take control right now as it is for you to give me it. Give me it, Jackson. Just try." I whispered, and ever so subtly nibbled on _that _spot on his neck.

"Ok, April. We'll take turns, can we do that? After this it's my turn to…" I nodded and kissed him to shut him up. I was suddenly desperate to feel him inside of me. It'd been over two weeks, which was a long time for both of us.

I took a deep breath before I reached for the condom, careful not to meet Jackson's eyes. For a split second, the Bible and I had a battle in my mind. That was not his fight.

For once, I took my husband's side. As soon as I saw the look on his face when I climbed on top of him, I knew I'd made the right choice. With all the chaos in my mind, lately, I'd forgotten that he needed me too, sometimes.

* * *

><p>"I think Dr. C is gonna be so mad," she said as she squeezed next to me after our third round. "Kissing is a lot different than sex…he…I…"<p>

"Relax April. You…you took some huge steps just now. I'm proud of you, I said, making her blush. "That's right, I know it what two huge things happened tonight. Don't be embarrassed, sweetheart. We need to talk about these things."

"Three, three huge things for us."

"OK fine, three. But I think this stuff should be our secret, from now on. It's really weird…I don't want to talk to another guy about my sex life anymore. Or another girl, for that matter. I think it should just be our business, like before. And tonight can be our secret. We used a condom, babe." I smiled and kissed her neck. We were married. So for April, using any type of birth control went against the Bible. It was a huge deal.

"Fine, but we need to…"

"Talk. I'll talk about it more if you will."

"Deal. Our secret. I love having secrets with you, babe." She kissed my cheek.

"This one might just be my favorite one ever," I said, eliciting an indignant "Jaaackson" and a shoulder slap.

"Hey, speaking of secrets…will you come to my behavioral therapies this week? You need to come to one and then if everyone agrees, including you and me, all four girls can come to the one on Friday. And then if that goes well, I have to keep some stuff here but I can go home for the weekend. And barring any setbacks I could be home by next Wednesday. That's what Dr. C said, after you left."

"Next Wednesday, huh? Are you really ready?"

"Yes, Jackson. I'll always have the tendencies. I've always had them actually. And there actually is a lot of work ahead. This last ten days will be the hardest. But yes. I'll be ready to come home and continue working through this."

I nodded. "OK. I know. I just…I'll always have to make sure."

"I know. You are just caring for me. I love you."

"I love you too, April. Thank you for taking care of me tonight." I slipped my hand under the covers, gearing up for round four. I was determined to take advantage of the fact that we were finally in a good place. Finally alone together for a whole night. No kids were going to inturrupt us before we finished. That was a rarity.

"Are you…oh…oh my…" she giggled. "Jackson, are you…mmmm…staying tonight? Can you stay?"

"Of course," I said, not daring to stop what I was doing. April closed her eyes. "I just have to be home to make waffles for everyone, in the morning." I whispered in her ear.

"Waffles?" For some reason, that she was able to get out coherently.

"Yeah. But I'm not hungry right now. Let's not talk about the waffles, OK? Or anything. I'm sick of talking, today. "

She nodded, eagerly agreeing. "Mmm…done talking."


End file.
